Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Hi BengalTiger.

I'm glad you are meeting up with your ex, that's great news. Also - you do deserve the support from everyone here, even if you don't feel like you do, you do.

It sounds like you are apprehensive about telling your mother you're angry with her. It's good advice from cjel to hold off till you've talked to the counsellor about it. When my Dad admitted responsibility for some stuff I was able to forgive him and move on but sometimes a person is not ready to admit responsibility and that could be hard for the person they've injured.

I have to say I didn't talk to my Dad until I was in a place where I would have been able to withdraw emotionally and I was an adult - maybe 27 or 28, not living at home. But my Dad died pretty soon after that so I was really glad I made my peace with him and we were at lot closer. There was a lot of happiness because I took the risk. I did it by letter actually and waiting for a letter back was a very long wait. I was afraid he wouldn't face up to what I was saying and I would 'lose' him or he would reject me. I also really didn't want to hurt him because I loved him so much.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. The only thing is, there is a lot of truth in the saying 'the truth will set you free'. Your Mum probably knows you are angry or expects you to be. Maybe she doesn't know how to talk to you about it. Maybe she is afraid you won't ever forgive her or be close to her. Or maybe she doesn't feel responsible but and this is important something made your Mum come back to you and that something was her love for you. I think that that is a good indication of her love for you.

Being honest can be very painful for everyone - it's like picking at a scab that has something stuck under it that needs to come out. Some people can never face it. It seems to me that you are different, and you want to face your feelings and sort out things with your Mum. Suppressing things obviously is not working for you - you are built to be honest rather than to deny your true feelings, it's just the way you are. Some people go through a life time of denying things to themselves. My counsellor told me it is the strong people who face up to things and try and figure out their feelings and deal with them, because it is hard. (I was ashamed and thought I was weak to need help.) My sister denies everything and she is very unhappy but she kind of pretends she is ok.

Just one more thing - I think if I had spoken to my Dad earlier he might have just denied things or wiggled out of things. All I really wanted was an acknowledgement that he wasn't the father he should have been and an apology for that - not excuses. And I got it and it was ok. But I know a few years earlier he might have wriggled out and given loads of excuses. So the timing was right, if you see what I mean.

Everyone is on their own path and you can't force someone to face up to their mistakes even if they have hurt you. I guess you can try and come at it from their point of view and understand their circumstances but it is hard and it doesn't excuse them, it just helps understand them.

I hope you don't mind me posting. My Dad was a 'functioning alcoholic' by the way, along with other issues!

Hi BT haven't caught up on thread yet. I will read it first before I post anymore

Oh I am happy that you have been in contact with ex girlfriend. And I am happy to see you. The thing is yes your mum may very well be upset when you speak to her , but she would be a thousand times more upset if you weren't here at all.
You have to pluck up the courage to tell your counsellor exactly what you are feeling, tell them the truth not what you think they want to hear. You need to do this in order to discuss how counsellor thinks its best to deal with it all. There will be an answer.
And maybe it will also help your mum, maybe she has problems inside herself and dosent know how to broach them with you.

Ha Ha for being bored at a wedding, I can't think of many I've really enjoyed. You sort of have to be really involved to feel included. I've one coming up in a few months, friends son, registry office and I am dreading it. All that dressing up yuk!!!

glad you have made contact with ex as well, may help clear your head a bit about having a relationship with her. Pleased she still values you enough to meet upx

crikey I'm pressing send too soon tonight Also wanted to say that Monday will be fine to share all this stuff with counsellor, If you have things you may not recall during the time why don't you write down some pointers?

want/need to tell mum what you really feel - why not the contact for nearly ten years.
How would I feel with various responses from her.? rejection again?
Whats holding me back from being honest with her?- Fear of what may happen to me - will I implode/crumble in a heap/ lose my mind etc.
What would it feel like to share everything with her and for her to answer in a way that would help me?
How would my dad feel about it?
I don't know if I'm putting words in your mouth so please disregard any that aren't relevant . think about whats in your mind, and go prepared to be open and leave with more peace but tired when you've been

@ballyhoo -

Thanks for sharing your story. Really insightful. Do you think a letter is better than face to face? I find that I'm better at writing than speaking

@ Lin - I'm thinking about telling my counsellor on Monday. We'll see. I just wish I didn't feel like this.

cjel - Thanks for the pointer. The weird thing is that what bugs me the most ain't that she left but the no contact. I didn't even know whether she was alive or not.

Of course you don't. I understand that completely. But in order for people to help you, you must be honest with them and tell them everything that is bothering you. I am sure it will be quite upsetting for you to start with, but ultimatley it will be the start of your recovery and a much happier life. Counsellor s have heard all sorts of thing so you don't have to hold back . That's what they are trained for. You can do this

You are very good at writing and it may be very helpful to write things down. Sometimes it's easier to write what you want to say than to actually say it

Hi Bengal. I chatted with you when this thread first started, don't know if you remember. Anyways just wanted to say that it is ok to feel angry with your mum you know. You are 'allowed' to be...it doesn't mean you don't love her. We can have complex, painful and mixed up feelings about our loved ones. To be honest it sounds like a normal reaction to what you experienced with her leaving. If we try to suppress how we feel it doesn't make the feelings go away, they just fester and turn into other unhelpful feelings. Please talk it over with your counsellor...they will help you figure how to handle those feelings.
Glad that you're still posting on here and keep on keeping on. I know you don't feel it but you are an ace guy.

I think I'm leaning towards writing to her.

Whichever way you find is easiest for you has to be the best way. Oh my god some idiot letting off bloody loud fireworks ! In July
You have a leaning to writing well and maybe one day you will end up being an author !

@ Selks - Hello Selks. Yeah I remember you :) What you mention there resonates with me cause I feel like if I'm angry at my mum I feel like it means that I don't love her. I guess that's one of the reasons I've been holding back.

Writing to her sounds good to me.

Do you know why she made no contact? Has she ever told you why, or hinted why?

Or maybe one day you will be helping others who are going through something similar in their lives, there is a purpose for you BT you just have to believe that.

Hiya Bengal - I'm glad you found my post helpful. I wrote to my Dad because I am much better at expressing myself through writing, and I was able to redraft and edit it to say exactly what I wanted to say without lashing out at him or losing courage so as not to hurt him or not expose myself. I think face to face can be harder when you are afraid the other person might reject you. Also with a letter you can have your full say without the other person interrupting you.

I think from what you're saying one of the things that is bothering you the most is that your Mum didn't contact you. Maybe you could ask her to try and explain. The other great thing about a letter is that you don't have to send it until you are ready but it can really help get your thoughts clear.

I understand that, even if she had to leave you feel she could have at least stayed in touch? Writing it is a good idea, you are clearly gifted at writing. Any chance you can write it before Monday and then you could go through your thoughts with the counsellor before you pass it to your mum.

Oh no no no. You can love a person but hate their behaviour.

I would make a copy of the letter before you send it, for various reasons.

@ Caster8 - Nope she hasn't. I have no idea.

mummylin - The sound of fireworks become tiresome in November. I hope you're right about my purpose in life. Atm it just seems like a confused mess.

@ballyhoo -

Did your dad respond with a letter too?

@caster8 - what you say about loving a person but hating their behaviour is true i guess.

@cjel - Yeah exactly that. Just leaving without a word like that and never getting in contact for almost a decade is something I just can't accept. I'll see how i feel tomoz in regards to writing the letter.

If she hasnt said anything about that, then my guess, fwiw, is that she is feeling guilty about it, and may be defensive about that part of it.

Ou have to go through the process of telling someone, then having the right methods to get you through it. But yes you certainly will have a purpose in life , I'm sure of it. You are a great person who has lost his way for now through no fault of your own. You will recover from this but it will take time, then your mind and heart will be peaceful and life will be great for you.

But I do also think that your mum has to be equally honest with you.

I am on my phone now so it's hard to write a long post - but I started off writing to my Dad by telling him that I loved him and that loads of what I would see as my good qualities were down to him and the values he showed me, and that I was very grateful for those things. I suppose I was saying I love you and you did a lot of good things but I am angry and hurt because you also let me down, but I was specific about things.

I am a parent now myself and I try hard to be a good parent. But I find myself apologising a lot because I do make mistakes. My DS is only 5. I would be so proud of him if he can write like you when he is 16.