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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
cjel · 25/07/2013 22:10

I felt that anger when I read a post a few days ago. It may sound weird but at least anger is a feeling and that is good, obviously if its destructive then you won't be happy with it.
Is the anger towards anyone ?

cjel · 25/07/2013 22:11

by the way poor PS3!!

Original poster
BengalTiger · 25/07/2013 22:12

@ Cjel -It was when I told you that I'd come to some realisations. And in answer to you and Homebird's question - yeah I'm angry at my mum. I know her and my dad had problems before she left and I understand that. It happens. And if they'd split up but both were still in my life, I could handle that. But what bothers me the most isn't the fact that she left - but NO FUCKING CONTACT WHATSOEVER FOR 8 YEARS! ALMOST A DECADE. So yeah. I'm angry.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 25/07/2013 22:13

Maybe the "young minds " would be worth a try. Don't want to push you too much, but on the other hand I don't want you to give up.
Is it worth me asking if you have spoken to your mum yet ?
If it were my son in your position, I would want him to come to me for help and would be only too happy to give him my unconditional help. I also would to think that others would also assist him. I would do whatever it took. But first of all he would have to tell me the problems.

cjel · 25/07/2013 22:15

BT Yeah I'd be mad as hell at that as well, does she know how strongly you feel or have you been pretending its ok and you understand?

mummylin2495 · 25/07/2013 22:17

Oh crossed posts there. I understand your anger .BT and that is where the problem is I think. I don't know who you would have to speak to to discuss this but I'm sure there is the right people somewhere, it seems as if you now want to punish your mum for abandoning you. Am I correct ?

youarepricelessforme · 25/07/2013 22:18

Otis sad to hear this but suicide is not going to help you at all you need to to turn to god your creator the creator of everything he can help you if you believe in him you need to ask god for guidance and forgiveness. Allah can help you if you ask him with sincerity and open heart. Read the holly coran and go through the verses and believe in your lord and trust him. Do not harm yourself its a big sin god is so merciful and he is wise and protective trust him and turn to him. Pray day and night submit to Allah and surely he will help you and guide you to the straight path. May Allah bless you and guide you. The devil is asking you to harm yourself don't listen to him and listen to Allah your creator you will succeed. This life is like a ring in a desert compare to the hereafter

mummylin2495 · 25/07/2013 22:22

I guess we would all feel upset by the circumstances, if we were in the same position as you.As a little child you must of wondered where she was. Why she didnt come and I can see that must of been so sad for you. But if you could have really good advice and help from the right people, you can move onto the future and rebuild your life with your mum. I'm not dismissing your anger and upset at all, but it needs to be dealt with to bring you peace

Original poster
BengalTiger · 25/07/2013 22:27

@cjel - it sounds so pathetic but i cried an hour later after I did it. I've had that console since 2009 and it's been a great friend and source of entertainment. I feel like such a loser. And no, my mum doesn't know. I've been pretending.

lin - I took a look at young minds. It's okay but i'm not too sure. And no I don't want to punish my mum. Not really. I don't think so anyway. Ive genuinely had enough of life. I'm just angry at her. I love her and always will but I'll always remember hearing my dad crying in his room like a week after she left without a word. It was really disconcerting and it's something I'll never forget. When I was 6 I thought it was impossible for my dad to cry. I thought nothing could be strong enough to hurt him that bad. I can't really explain it but stuff like that still sticks with me today.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 25/07/2013 22:31

openyourheart - Actually I wasn't nor am i currently ill. Physically I feel perfectly fine. The pills haven't had any effect at all. And my mum wasn't upset cause she has no idea. I'm putting on a happy face when she's around.

OP posts:
cjel · 25/07/2013 22:32

My lovely BT, I think that you have recognised the root of all your problems, Depression is quite often internalised anger. I don't know if you need to talk it out with you mum, I think you would be better off letting it all out to a counsellor, I think you may be frightened of what letting it out would do to you, but it really will be benfecial ' the truth will set you free'.
Do you have a counsellor or professional health carer that you see, a psychiatrist or CPN?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 25/07/2013 22:32

@caster8 - Thing is about those dreams - before I was depressed but I could actually still want those dreams. i really did. But now I couldn't care less. Just seems pointless to me. They mean nothing at all right now.

OP posts:
cjel · 25/07/2013 22:37

I can remember crying over the things that I didn't think mattered like your PS3, I think its like deflected grief - safer to cry over that than the really painful grief that we think will engulf us.
I personally think tears are good and remember learning that the tears like that actually release some sort of healing hormones that tears over say, peeling an onion don't!! talking of crying Have you listened to that bowie song yet?

mummylin2495 · 25/07/2013 22:37

That is very sad BT . But maybe you don't know all the circumstances of why they had the break up etc. have you asked your mum directly why she didnt come to see you ? Would it help you to know more details.i didn't look at the young minds thing, but you will know if its for you. I think if you could get the answers you need it would go a long way to helping you understand why these things happened. What is it you want BT ? I know you feel like shit at the moment but as cjel said two weeks ago you were happy, you had a girlfriend, you went out and had a good time but now you have finished it. That was a bad move as she clearly .liked you

Caster8 · 25/07/2013 22:47

As well as being a foster mum, I used to be a volunteer for 2 national childrens' charities and mentor young people in foster care , who had littel or no contact with birth families. I did that for several years.. And nearly all of them had anger.

One little thing that might help is to buy a punch bag. Younger children are advised to punch a pillow when anger surfaces.[it would save your console next time too]

It is very understandable and normal to have anger in this circumstance.

cjel · 25/07/2013 22:54

think exercise (boxing, running etc) can be brilliant way of letting off steam but long term would want BT to be counselled to remove it not cover it up!! Greateds thing a person can have is a 'safe' person they can say what they wan to without being judged.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 25/07/2013 22:54

@ lin - No I haven't asked her about it. I find it hard to talk to her about it. I just think of all the things when she was away and a lot of feelings come up. And what is it I want? Currently death because that's the only way certain way all the BS in my life will end. I've pretty much blocked out my ex. She text me today but I haven't responded. I'm being a cold and callous arse, I know, but I honestly don't care anymore. She'll find someone else i'm sure - someone wayyyyyyyy better than a loser who cries over Japanese plastic and metal.

@Homebird - yes I'm angry at mum. I kinda feel ashamed admitting it but I am.

cjel - Yeah i've had my counselling sessions but I've never mentioned this stuff about my mum. She has asked how I really feel about it but I never say. And yeah I listened to the Bowie song. You have good taste. One of the few things that made me smile today.

Anyway I struggled with sleep last night again. But I'm determined tgo sleep tonight so I'm off.

Thank you to everyone who's offered me boatloads of advice and kept me in prayers.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 25/07/2013 22:59

Weren't you going to join a sports team the other day BT ? Is that all off now. I can imagine you have so many unanswered questions and until you get answers to some of them you will not have peace of mind. I wish all of us here could do more , but it's not possible. All we can do is be here for you ( and waffle on as I do sometimes ) and give you our support which you have from us 100%

mummylin2495 · 25/07/2013 23:01

Goodnight BT see you tomorrow I hope. And nothing to feel ashamed for at being angry. I think it's to be expected. Hope you get some sleep , night x

Caster8 · 25/07/2013 23:03

Personally I hope your ex hangs around. I know you are sabotaging things at the moment, but hopefully it wont always be that way.

You are not a loser, far from it.[ I dont write anyone off, so dont think anyone is a loser].
You are a person in an enormous amount of emotional pain.

You need to let the anger come out about your mum.
She doesnt necessarily need to see it right now. But there may come a point when you feel able to tell her about the anger you had.

Goodnight.

cjel · 25/07/2013 23:04

Def recomend letting it all out in counsellingSmile It is what they are trained for and if she is asking you about it already she may have picked up on it like we did any way. when do you go again?

cjel · 25/07/2013 23:12

made me smile about your girlfriend thinking what do I want in a partner good looks, check, kindness,check, cries over japanese plastic and metal check.!!
I'm tucking in for the night tonight as well, have really enjoyed your company tonight BT hope you get good sleep

Apileofballyhoo · 26/07/2013 00:22

Very glad to see you back and very glad to see you admit you're angry. When there is injustice anger is the natural reaction. There are a whole lot of people here ready to listen to you. I would be honoured actually. Anger is good, crying is good. You have had an awful lot to cope with.

Apileofballyhoo · 26/07/2013 00:26

Sorry for not very articulate post - tired and falling asleep. Hope you get a good sleep tonight and tomorrow is a good day.

Homebird8 · 26/07/2013 06:50

Hi BengalTiger. Hope you've had a good night.

You know there is nothing to be ashamed about with feelings. Even feeling ashamed is ok Smile. If you are angry, it is how you are. I think the wise people who surround you here have been very astute when they say that part of your depression may be down to you trying to tie up your anger well, like a BengalTiger. There is nothing better than a roar every now and again and whether that comes out in tears, or rage, or accusations, or recriminations it is better that it comes out than stays in.

Why do you put on the happy face to your mum? Do you feel in more control of your anger that way? That Tiger is real. It's not a kitten however much you'd like it to be. Next time you see your counsellor tell her that there's something you'd like to explore and let the Tiger out of the enclosure. Let her help you work out how to deal with it. Let her help you to perhaps talk with your mum about it. The happy face is just a lens to make it look like a kitten.

Have a good day today.