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Original poster

Noone seems to believe i am ill, just that im a bad person. what are my options?

93 replies

ArtVandelay · 10/05/2013 20:57

Hello, I've had a series of breakdowns in the past year. Mostly brought on by traumatic life events and the lonliness and isolation of living in a new town where there are no English speaking people. My H is away 50% of the time and I have developed a lot of fear of attacks and accidents and so rarely leave the house. I have pretty much sole care of a toddler and I'm just exhausted from it all. I have no friends here or a network despite working hard to reach out.

My breadowns have been largely untreated - bit of mirtazipine, bit of valium but no respite, talking cure or even a holiday. It's just brushed under the carpet so I will continue to care for my son and do housework whilst my H works.

Yesterday, I burst into tears at a family event because H started to make fun of me and wouldn't stop and so embarrassed my H and DM. They have not spoken to me since execpt for a few attacks about 'you need to grow up', its all about them and I don't know what to do. I've spent the day asleep by taking medicine.

I don't know what to do, I have constant thoughts and plans to kill myself. I tried to get to the Dr today and Psychiatrist but for some reason. All medical offices were having a closed day in my town. I think at this stage I would be safest in hospital but I'm just being told I can't because everyone has plans and I need to take care of my son. What should I do? I thought mental illness is a real illness, and I can't believe I'm being attacked for this. I don't want to feel like this but my life truly is at a dead end.

I'm overseas so can't contact any helplines. It's a&e or nothing and I'm now feeling like noone will believe me. How do I get to Monday when the DR offices open?

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtVandelay · 10/05/2013 20:59

I wish I could go out but there is nowhere to go.

OP posts:
hearthwitch · 10/05/2013 21:32

you are unhappy and sound depressed . you recognize that you need help which is good. but it sounds like your family don't understand. hold on you can make it but you must seek help. your h and fam need to step up whilst you get help.

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 10/05/2013 21:41

Do you have relatives in the uk that you could go and stay with? I know as a non-resident citizen getting nhs treatment can be hard but it is doable.
You really need to see a pysch asap, if this has to be where you are then so be it. And then your husband and mother need to have the ins and outs of depression explained to them.
Public redicule when.someone is feeling as low as you are is a horrible horrible thing, though personally I'd say humour that attacks your life partner is never a good idea.

Original poster
ArtVandelay · 10/05/2013 21:56

I'm supposed to fly to the UK for a month, stsrting next week but I really feel that DM will use this to bully me further. My health insurance allows me to take treatment in the UK so I'm hoping I can get some help there but I can't afford to hold ny breath. I just can't understand why I'm getting a kicking for something that's an illness and truly not one that gives me any benefits. I just feel so trapped and want to get away. I thought that mental illness was real but I'm being told I am just a bad person, everybody's needs cone first and I need help.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtVandelay · 10/05/2013 21:57

Thanks for answering. It is real, isn't it?

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 10/05/2013 22:30

A few questions. Sorry you are feeling like this. Yes, mental illness is an illness. Yes, it is real.

I think you shouls definitely come to the UK next week as planned.

Who is DM. Is that your mother? And is she in the UK?
Sorry for my confusion.

What sort of medicine have you taken today?
Is you husband British?

Original poster
ArtVandelay · 10/05/2013 22:49

DM is staying with us for one week and then we fly out to England next week. H is Dutch and I do think his and the Pils responses are not typical of their culture - maybe a bit awkward and ignorant about these things. Sadly my DM is only able to see things how they affect her and how things look.

Today I have taken 4 oxazepam and a mirtazipine with the idea of knocking me out. Being sent to coventry is stressful. Right now I feel pretty dead which is good, but I can't see a Dr until Monday morning.

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ThisIsMummyPig · 10/05/2013 22:58

If your H is away 50% of the time, is there anything stopping you moving to an area/country where you could get more support - even if it's just to another town where there are more ex pats?

Does your H really understand that you want to die, and that if he doesn't support you now he could be left looking after your son on his own. For Ever.

He sounds like he needs that spelling out, and he needs to get his arse into gear to help you properly.

Of course mental illness is real. I think you are doing extremely well to recognise your position so clearly.

Come to England - with or without the NHS, it still gives you a chance to meet up with old friends (or MNetters)

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 11/05/2013 00:17

Yes, what you are feeling is real and valid, its just those who have not suffered from it can have a hard time understanding it. Not that that excuses callousness. People who supposedly love you should be trying to help and understand you, not dismissing you because it does not fit with their agenda. It will be a struggle but dont let them do, demand support, its what you need.

Unfortunatelyanxious · 11/05/2013 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ArtVandelay · 11/05/2013 08:46

Thanks for the messages, I just woke up. I'm going to get some coffee, i'll come back. Thanks.

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Original poster
ArtVandelay · 11/05/2013 09:06

Well, I think that the crux of the issue is that my H doesn't love me and realising this has tipped me over this time. It's just not possible that you could love someone and dismiss their feelings like this. All the stuff that I have supported him in and that's not enough - he took away everything when we moved here. I have basically made myself disappear to support him. That's why I can't understand why killing myself would be such a disgrace. There's not much left to kill really, just the body. Then they say 'look at that child, how will we tell him that his mum didn't love him because she killed herself'.

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MavisG · 11/05/2013 09:19

Art you can get better, get the rest of you back. Hang in there.

DuchessFanny · 11/05/2013 09:21

Are you in the Netherlands then ? Whereabouts ? I'm thinking if there is no English spoken it must be Friesland ? Rural ?

I ask as I'm an ex-pat here and there is a good community of Brits ( and other ex-pats) but we are in a busy, popular area ... Wondering if you can relocate to somewhere you'll get a support network xxx

DuchessFanny · 11/05/2013 09:24

Also, do you have SMASH in your area ? The out of hours emergency number ? You're charged of course, but its covered by medical ... Am worried for you, do please PM me if I can help with numbers and other support xx

Original poster
ArtVandelay · 11/05/2013 09:36

Thanks Mavis and Fanny, I am in Germany not NL. I haven't a clue how to get emergency help here, apart from a&e. I used to live in a different region of Germany where everything is different. Besides, where I used to live I would have had friends round and it never would have got this bad. The isolation here has literally drove me mad, I speak fluent German before anyone suggests lessons. I just Hate how humourless and boring and ugly it is here. I Hate that I am always alone trying to be cheerful for DS. I'm so pissed off, I should not be feeling like this, I have worked so hard and now its all for nothing. I know now that's its just too fucked to continue.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtVandelay · 11/05/2013 09:40

Sorry, its really helping to talk. My family is still ignoring me and I don't have anyone to visit. I tell myself, if you get dressed and walk into the town, you can buy yourself whatever you want. But then I just think what's the point. And I buy terrible things when I'm not feeling right :) that is sort of funny.

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Ilikethebreeze · 11/05/2013 09:44
Smile As well as your DH, it is sad that your mum is not helping with the problem, but instead, making it worse. Are you saying that you have no family of your own in Germany [except your mum who is currently on a visit]. What family of your do you have back in the UK? brothers, sisters cousins.
DuchessFanny · 11/05/2013 09:46

Ahh ! I see ! Brilliant that you're fluent, so that must help to kit feel so isolated -- but you need mates and a support network, especially for when you feel so shit !
Have you been on expatica ? If I remember rightly you can pop in your country of residence and look up other ex pats in your area and also get other hints/tips/advice ... Wish there was more I could do, but hth xx

quirrelquarrel · 11/05/2013 09:50

Your H is an arse.

Do you know what you want to do today? Maybe you want to plan it out so it doesn't drag out and make you feel more awful. And yes, what you have is definitely real and you don't need to question yourself like your family is doing. Hugs to you.

LEMisdisappointed · 11/05/2013 09:52

I can't help but feeling, and im sorry to say this, because i usually don't think this but you will be better the sooner you are away from your DH, he sounds horribly controlling and he is belittling you by not taking this seriously. What plans do people have that are more important than you getting the medical help you need??

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

Original poster
ArtVandelay · 11/05/2013 10:10

Yeah, expatica and internations might throw up some people but tbh, its not the sort of place where you get expats. And people are often rudely curious about western foreigners or blatantly racist if you are an eastern foreigner. I've networked, I've given phone numbers, I've organised trips to playgroups - even set up my own playgroup which people come to. I'm on the comittee of my housing association. I teach English to my neighbour and the vicar. I can't keep on being a one woman ball of enthusiasm and friendliness when actually I hate myself and I hate my life. I want to go on holiday, I want a husband that talks about something else other than himself and work, I want a normal family without having to go through kramer vs Fucking kramer every time the SDCs come over. I want some childcare, I want a job - supermarket, whatever, its all fine. I want my stupid whiney, late paying renters that live in my house that took 2 years out of my life to build and that I never got to live in to spontaneously Fucking combust... I'm so angry, I'm sorry. It's just that I really have done my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtVandelay · 11/05/2013 10:12

But after saying all that... No there is noone in real life I can talk too because I wouldn't know where to start. I think if the person had to listen for their job then id feel okay about it.

I feel better getting this out to you guys, thanks. There is loads more but that would probably be enough to give you a picture of why I feel so defeated.

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quirrelquarrel · 11/05/2013 10:29

If all the problems you're talking about suddenly went away, do you think you would start feeling better? What I'm asking is, is it situational or a combination of the two? Sounds like you're worn out trying to be superwoman and no wonder!

You say you can buy stuff you don't really want, would you be able to afford a therapist at all?

DuchessFanny · 11/05/2013 10:32

It sounds pretty relentless !
If you want you can PM me and write it all down, it really dies help to get it all out !
Btw you've done brilliantly doing all you do, it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. It's not easy and if you feel isolated its a thousand times worse !