ive had enough now

[LEMisdisappointed]

I have just had enough - i feel as if, thats it, i don't want to be here now, its like, i just cannot be bothered anymore. Thats me, i'm done now - enough. I imagine that is how some old people feel when they reach the end of their lives.

I am not going to do anything "stupid" because i have a 7yo DD who I would devestate, my DP would also become a single parent and would have to give up work and go on benefits. So thats it, i have to stay, its not fair - i don't want this. I have just had enough. I don't even care if i get better or not.

Am on citalopram 20mg, DP thinks its making me worse - i know im getting worse but its not the drugs its my anxiety, its me, its not the drugs - but they are not working, i can't see what else i can do.

I texted the woman from the mental health place who did my assesment, i am on waiting list for counselling, i texted because i didnt want to talk to anyone - i wanted to speed up my counselling, im on the waiting list but dont know when i will be seen. I have had initial assesment, the problem is, i was on an up day so i think im on the bottom of the list. She said to call the counselling people but they just said "oh yes, ive seen your file, you re on the waiting list, we are running behind, we will be in touch"

So i can't do anymore - all my GP would do is up my citalopram dose, i dont want to be like a zombie im numb enough - apart from anxiety, i can feel that, yes, thats what i am. I am anxiety. I have asked to see a psychiatrist - was told no point, would just do the same as gp and put me on ADs and recommend counselling - waste of time really

So thats it really - im fucking stuck. i don't want to be happy, i don't care, i am a shell - going through the motions of life, smiling for my DD and loving my DP, but i feel numb. just numb. Enough - thats me, im done

Oh lem I'm so sorry you're feeling so numb and empty tonight. This really is such a tough illness. When did you last see your gp and how long have you been on the citalopram for now? From how you write tonight it sounds like yr struggling with both dep and anxiety and also exhaustion with the whole situation. What have you been up to today? Have you had any down time or a nap? I find that can help. What are you up to now? Can you snuggle up in bed with dp and / or a favourite book (if you have enough concentration). I wanted to let u know you're not alone. There's people on here thinking of you and wishing you on the road to recovery. With hugs x

Thankyou - today has been ok, lovely on the outside, but i am not feeling anything, its scaring me.

DP told me he feels aggitated today, he even said he felt like he could almost take one of my pills - he wont, of course, but i am devestated, I have done this to him. The only thing is he has been drinking a lot of coffee lately, I am hoping its that and have told him he is banned from drinking it.

I need to get a job, we need the money, but i can't even load the dishwasher without getting torn up by anxiety and shakey hands - wtf is that all about? DP is blming the pills, its not the pills, is me.

Coffee would definitely do that to him. I wondered also if he has someone he can talk to about what's going on with you? My dh has a good friend he can be completely open with which helps him and helps me to know.

This isn't your fault tho - you don't have any choice in this.

Feeling empty is horrible - I felt that in Feb - just dead inside, but it is slowly improving. I actually enjoyed watching my dc playing in the garden today (in between the anxiety that one of them was about to break their leg of course (hmm). It's hard being patient too - its frustrating, but we will get there even if it takes a lot longer than we'd want x

Thanks Ciq i posted a bit on the other thread, but i didn't want to take away from Vicars troubles just now, so cross for her - she is a bloody inspiration though, i wish i had half her balls - as it were. Am going to bed now - I might take my DD to the pictures tomorrow so DP can get on with fixing the car, which is i think is the root of his angst as we can't be without a vehicle and the van is looking pretty buggered.

I know what you mean about vicar - amazing person. Cinema sounds like an excellent plan. Sleep well x.

This is shit, and your post really resonates with me. I have been there.

I'm not now though. I need you to truly hear that. I did meds that sucked the 'me' out of me. I did psychoanalysis that was soul destroying. I wanted to die. Life was pointless.

I trudged through days, weeks, months. I studied psychology to understand me. I'm not sure I do understand it all, but I worked through my shit.
My life has turned out great.

Some days I still function rather robotically. I use 5-HTP and it helps me. Most days I look at the sunshine, and my kids, and my smile is genuine.

Keep talking. Talk to us.
You are among friends.

I feel the same Lemi - I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and I've lost who I am supposed to be its really scary. All I can say is try and get out each day even if its to the park for half hour or to town just to break that cycle , I know when u return home it hits again like a tonne of bricks but at least you can say I've been out I've done something iyswim.

Hugs lonley bunny - we'll get through this, we will - fucking depression