What am I doing?

[Wineaclock]

I don't know why i'm posting, but I need to get this out. I'm in a really bad place place right now, been under crisis team recently, under cmht, got bpd, and been having too many suicidal thoughts recently.

Things aren't going right with a lot in my life, apart from dd who i don't want to damage by being so depressed. I feel I have no one I can talk to as I feel i've got to this place so I need to deal with it. But I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to be here, and have been thinking about writing notes, sorting finances etc.

Recently I have been quite impulsive, and been making stupid decisions and doing things that make things worse. I've lost me job, distanced myself from family/friends, not looking after myself. Well tonight, i've slept with someone i've started seeing and not used protection. Been seeing him for a few weeks so first time, don't know why i've been so stupid. I'm not sure what to do. I'm becoming someone I don't know anymore. Please don't judge.

Sounds like the start of an episode. Make an appointment with your gp or psychiatrist today and tell them exactly what your just written here. Don't be embarrassed. They have always heard a lot worse!

I also have bpd and write down how I'm feeling throughout the year. I often look back and don't recognise the person in my diary. I expect you will feel exactly the same if you re-read this in a few months time.

I know it seems impossible to feel any different right now but you will. You'll get out of this spiral and back on track before you know it. Please don't think that this is it. This will get better and you'll get your life back.

For now, try and curb the destructive behaviour, have a shower, eat a proper meal and do not start preparing for the end. Whatever excuse you have for not seeing your psychiatrist or gp, get over it and just book an appointment right now and tell them that you may be at the start of an episode.

You will be ok. Please update soon on how it goes with your doctor x