Very scared. Waiting for the crisis team.

[CappuccinoQueen]

I have suffered from depression for a while now but I have been slowly sinking over the past two months. I'm on AD's, have weekly CBT and am under the care of the mental health team.

However, the past week I have hit rock bottom to the point where I don't want to be here anymore. I have tried to fight this awful illness for so long but I am drowning :-( This morning I came very close to taking my own life but stopped myself as I was scared it would go wrong.I called my CPN and she said she is very concerned and has requested that the crisis team come out to visit me to do an assessment. I'm waiting for them now.

I am so scared. I don't know what to expect. The MH team have tried to help me from home for a number of months now but I've just been deteriorating. I'm frightened that I will have to go to a psychiatric hospital as the suicidal thoughts are out of control at the moment. What can I expect if I have to go in? I am in so much pain mentally right now, I can't explain how bad I feel. I just want this to end

I'm not sure what to say but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like your doing the best thing seeking help. Don't be scared, put yourself in the hands of professionals. Maybe a stay in psychiatric will help. Your being very brave seeking help well done

I hope they come soon and my heart goes out to you xx

Thank you very much for replying and for your kind words. As you say, maybe a stay in a psychiatric unit will help - it is probably the best place for me right now.

Hang in there Cappacino - I promise this too will pass. I've been in a psych hospital and it was just what I needed - taken care of, people who understood and it gave me back my hope. If you have to go in take your own dressing gown, iPod etc (although they might not allow earphones ). Take their advice, you are poorly and they can help. Much love to you xxxxxxx

Take care CappuccinoQueen, thinking of you.

Thank you so much Queen and Snowy for your lovely replies, you are very kind.

Queen - thanks for sharing your experience and for the advice on what I should take with me.

No sign of the Crisis Team yet. Am incredibly anxious right now and on edge. I just feel so desperate

They are very kind, the crisis team. They will come and talk to you. You don't need to be frightened of them.

They will help you. And we're here to hold your hand until they arrive

Here's a hand too.

The crisis team want to support you to stay at home, it makes for a more meaingful recovery. They will do what they can to support you to get through these thoughts and feelings.

Please don't worry about being admitted, it is a very last resort.

Another hand to hold, here!
Don't listen to what your head is telling you. Just put one foot in front of the other. A day at a time ;)

I'm really sorry that I haven't been back to this thread to thank you for the replies.

I'm in such a dark place right now The crisis team have been wonderful, they are caring for me at home (my DM is staying with me) as they have said the local psychiatric hospital is 'very grim' and I will receive more support if I stay put.

It is so hard to keep going. I feel like such a failure - I've gone from job to job (was sacked from the last one), been in several abusive relationships and I absolutely loathe myself. I would do anything to be able to live a 'normal' life but I can't ever see that happening. Meanwhile my friends (who don't know anything about my illness) have successful careers, fun social lives, are able to maintain relationships while my main focus is to get through each day without killing myself.

Sorry to offload, I realise I must sound so self pitying. Just feeling very frustrated today

Thank you, Mary. Your kind words have made me cry (in a good way!)

Very moved by your story, wanted you to know I think you are incredibly brave. I genuinely think the lower you go, the sweeter the highs, you will get through this, and when you do, you will really savour the lightness.