I don't know how to ask for help

[Doughnutmaestro]

I've been diagnosed with depression before, about 10 years ago shortly after I lost my dad, I'd never really got on with him but after he died I realised that the problem wasn't him, it was my mum twisting things and manipulating people to take her side. I feel so awful for how I felt about my dad when he was alive and that led toe becoming depressed, I was self harming and seriously considering suicide I only went outside to go to work and as I world nights managed to close myself off after a few months on ads I didn't really feel any better and dp (now dh) basically told me he was sick of me moping and being moody all the time and told me to "suck it up" or he would leave me. I stopped the ads cold turkey that day and bottled everything up and buried all my feelings meaning that for the last 10 years the depression has still been there but just as a shadow following me that I rarely acknowledged. Now I don't know if I "feel" things properly, I can be happy and I adore my ds but it feels like most things are only on the surface I can go out for the day with dh and ds and really enjoy it but then on the way home I'm back to neutral again, I can smile when I need to but its only really on the surface, I'm aware deep down that I'm smiling because I should smile then, rather than because I'm happy iykwim
I don't have any friends because I just don't know how to make people like me and how to make people want to spend time with me I never have though I think that's down to me rather than any depression I desperately want friends I can talk to and visit for a coffee and a chat but don't know how. My only friend is my mil.
10 months ago we lost fil to cancer it was really sudden and everyone was devastated, ds didn't understand why everyone was upset so I did what I do best and buried my feelings to protect him from it, four weeks ago mil was offered a bungalow from the council and then three weeks ago my mum died, she had cancer but didnt tell me, we hadn't spoken in years except the odd text maybe x2 a year she never met ds and showed no interest in doing so but she was still my mum but it all happened at the same time as mil getting keys to her bungalow, cleaning decorating and moving in (she moved in today) I don't want massive displays of sympathies but with everyone rushing round to get mil ready I've been pushed aside, obviously ds has had to be kept away as he's not quite 2 and its been dangerous. Meaning I've been left alone with ds, whenever dh hasn't been at work he's been with mil as has the rest of the family so I've not had time even to think I haven't really cried I don't know how to feel about losing mum and because I've buried these feelings along with everything else everyone thinks I'm fine and dh never liked my mum and says she's not worth crying over. I can't even go to the funeral as its too far away and my brother will be there and I can't see him, he did awful things when I was a kid and no one knows about it so they all think I'm a heartless bitch.

Hi, it sounds like you have had lots of major stressful life events all happen at once that all people would struggle with. Do you have anyone you could talk to about everything that is going on? You can always ring Samaritans for immediate listening tonight if it would help.

There's no point in even posting my of this coz nothing's gonna ever change.

I've emailed the Samaritans in the past and they were no help really.
Dh has said we can talk about it as I let on a bit earlier how bad I'm feeling but I can't let him see what's inside me as he would run far away ad take ds with him and ds is the only think keeping me together ATM I'd've ended it by now if I wasn't for him

Dh doesn't want to talk about it, not at all he just says I'm trying to start an argument and why bother crying about it.
I rallied round and supported everyone when we lost fil, everyone fell apart and I had to stay strong and make sure dh, mil, sil and sils wife were ok and we're eating etc now its me that wants to fall apart and just break down no one seems to care.
I really need a hug right now but dh says if I'm gonna be a miserable bitch all night he's going to sleep on the sofa.

Doughnut, so sorry to hear you're having a really tough time of it at the moment and would benefit from talking a lot of things through. Can you talk to your MIL about how you're feeling? I would suggest you see your GP, print out your post and take it with you to talk through. I do think you would benefit from counselling whether its via your GP or maybe a charity like Cruse or Mind? I do sympathise, I too bottled up a lot of crap things last year and it all came to a head in the new year, but counselling (and in my case ADs) have improved things a lot. Take care.

Why not try phoning the Samaritans, it all depends on who you get on the phone. You are right that sadly life events that you have faced cannot be undone, it is about getting support in your current life that you can change.

Today was my mums funeral. I didn't go, there were personal reasons behind the decision not just the distance but also I'm feeling rather delicate at the mo and I don't think I'd have made it through intact. I can only imagine what all my family are saying about me now ill bet its not good.
My sister even texted me the other day to say that older brother was travelling down and woul give me a lift, 5 hours alone in a car with my abuser with a short break in the middle to bury my mum? No thanks.
I'm giving myself till Wednesday to get over it then if I've not managed to cover it all over again (all my feelings feel too big now, I don't think I can bury them anymore) I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get a doctors appointment. It's my 30th on Thursday maybe I can make a start on a new better me before my birthday.

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, more recently and when you were younger. It's very painful to grieve for someone you had a difficult relationship with, and I think you would benefit from some counselling. There is no need to feel any guilt for not attending the funeral, your reasons for not being there are valid. I hope your GP will be helpful and help you access some appropriate support. Take care and keep talking to your MIL and us on here if it helps.

Please don't think that if you let it all out everyone else will crumble. They won't doctors and counsellors have heard very similar stories before.A good counsellor will enable you to discuss what your feeling in order to unpick it all and facilitate you becoming the person you were meant to be before you started to squash your feelings. There is a real fear of telling someone who you really are because if they don't like the real you what else is there. Your husband doesn't have what you have inside himand he won't understand what you mean but a proffessional will understand and won't be damaged by what you tell them even if you fear its too horrific to say out loud. please don't think that you are un fixable. You are very normal but have just found a way of keeping yourself safe from horrid things when you were young. You are now recognising that the way you bury things isn't working for you and thats the start of being able to make the changes you want. See GP in the morning and get referral for counselling, although if you can afford it I would ask for names of someone you could start to see straight away, the sooner you start the sooner you will be coping for the first time. I did it and although it is very tiring when you start to progress its the best feeling in the world. To really feel love is amazing. Don't wait until you can bury things again seek help.xx