Am I bonkers?

[LostSox]

Evidence

Paranoia - I worry a lot about what people think of me. Do my friends like me? Do I look OK? Did I say something stupid? Do they hate me now?

I have extreme thoughts e.g. DH has gone out this evening on a staff do. He put aftershave on and my thought process was aftershave/other woman/well thats just inevitable because I am so uptight and annoying. The fact is that DH is on a staff do for a lady who has gone back to work after PTSD. I am mad.

Up and down moods - sometimes feel fantastic and that life is great, but sometimes feel like I can't go on any more.

Feelings of stress / frustration build up and up and make me shouty. I find the kids very frustrating and often have to walk into other rooms away from them to stop myself shouting or screaming.

Depression - I sometimes feel very low, its a feeling in my chest and I have to focus on it and feel tearful and don't want to do anything else but focus on that feeling.

My back ground is that I have a nice family life which is a bit stressful at times with 2 young kids (2 traumatic births & postnatal depression) and a fulltime and stressful sales type job. I was bullied at school, my parents divorced whilst I was at Uni (I left Uni and was basically out on the street as they sold the family home and both bought houses without space for their offspring), they are both with new partners, I feel distant from my family and this has been a loss since I had my kids. I have had to accept that my own parents are not the doting grandparents and this makes me v. sad. My DGM suffered from depression and used to take pain killers / alcohol. I have had counselling in the past but that has finished now.

I have told my Dh about it when I feel very low but I don't think he knows what to do. I know I am stressy and uptight and I wish I could be more relaxed and happy but I'm just not. I wish we were more affectionate to each other and he does agree with this but it doesn't happen easily. We don't get chance to go out together hardly at all as we live away from our families. We could get babysitters though (kicks self).

I am not sure what to do and don't know where to go for advice. I would be grateful for any comments even if just a slap round the chops and being told to get over it.

forgot to say have name changed as find it difficult to talk about these things.

just listening Lostsox, you have made a good start writing it all out. Life IS shit sometimes, it really is!

keep talking and getting it out

there is a good thread called Stately Homes, search MN for it, for sirvivors of dysfunctional families, it may help too

When I'm low, I have to remind myself of how much I've achieved in life already and in your case, could you remind yourself of what your DO have:

• you have a DH who you can talk to, and who seems to listen to you
• you are mum of two healthy kids
• you are also holding down a stressful career in sales

I'm sure there are many more things to add to this list?

I think it also sounds like exhaustion

i know personally, at if things with my parents/siblings arent going right, then i tend to internalise the feelings, and think that I'm to blame

Thank you oldtoys.

At easter things all went a bit mad, DH away, lots on a work, things breaking at home and looking after DC's and I think thats what set me off being a bit mental. And you might be right on the tiredness front too.

Sometimes I get stuck and can't talk to anyone about what is going on in my head which is why I wanted to write it out. Somehow it doesn't seem as bad written down.

sometimes things just happen one after another don't they, and if it helps you a little, youre not the only one to hide in the bathroom for 5 mins just to get away from noisy children!

you're only human - cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself, you are raising two little humans, holding down a job and a marriage while dealing with unhappyy memories of your own family/upbringing

be gentle with yourself - i find it helps me lots if I do one thing each day just for me, i dont know, like giving myself 10mins to just sit outside in the garden with a cuppa, to just sit still, gather my thoughts. Or eat a bar of choc, or take an extra long shower, or watch MY fav programme for a change. These little daily treats really make me feel worth it. dont know how!

I think I need to give myself some space like you say. I don't get any time to myself at the moment so I will try to focus on that. I do find it difficult to eek out the time.

Hi Lostsox, I think you got some good advice there from Oldtoys. You only have to say 2 young kids and full time stressful job and I will say to you 'that sounds knackering' !! I have 2 DCs 11yrs and 13yrs, a part time job and I am knackered, when I worked full time I was meeting myself coming back, if you get me. Is there a possibility of you reducing your work hours at all, would you want to?

At the top of your post you mentioned friends, can you talk to any of them about how you feel? And yes, I agree too about the fact we all need a break from the DCs, I often have to just go in the other room just to get away. I think sometimes we are so used to being busy we don't know how to slow down, pause, think or just empty your head, relax....sounds simple, it's not, it needs practice. Do you get time to do anything nice, read, watch something you like on TV?

And, no, you're not bonkers!