Hit rock bottom :(

[hotcrosbum]

I have had a pretty stressful life all over from a young age, lots of general bad things happening.

I have always been depressed - right from childhood. It's just how I am and I cope with it okay. I was on anti d's for a while until I had my child 12 years ago. Came off when I was pregnant, then was too terrified to go back on them as HV found out I had been on them and said that if I went back on them or was diagnosed with depression again it would be a 'red flag' (this coupled with some stupid scars from self harm when I was 13/14 and obsessed with a certain band who's singer was into self harm. My scars on my arm look horrific, but I scar badly, they weren't deep, I am just unlucky and did it to show off and fit in with the crowd, I deeply regret it now 20 odd years on and have never self harmed since that stupid summer when I thought I was cool for doing it).

LIfe has been far from easy over the past 12 years, and about 7 ish years ago, I can had what I can only describe as a mini breakdown. Ex was unsupportive. I basically got through it myself, but have never been the same since. I have still never got help as I have been scared of losing my child (who is happy, well looked after, has no idea I am a very good actress).

I was told last week that the baby I am carrying has died. I am waiting for a miscarriage to start naturally as I am terrified of surgery.

This is the straw that broke the camels back, I am not coping anymore. I can't function. I don't know what to do.

Sorry, HV said that if it were up to her, my baby would be removed if I became depressed, I've lived in fear for 12 years.

Oh love, of course you are going to be devestated, i am so sorry for your loss. This is going to be a tough few weeks, you have to accept that and not see it as a sign that things are going downhill for you. Do you have a partner just now, is he supportive? Have you told him how you are feeling?

You do know your HV was talking utter bollocks don't you? Red flag, my arse!! She was totally out of order to suggest that to you because now you haven't accessed the help and support that you have needed.

You need to go and talk to your GP, he or she may well decide that ADs are a good thing for you just now, they may also and i think they should, refer you for counselling. What i can tell you will NOT happen, no way on this earth will there even be the suggestion of taking your child away, this will not happen, you must know this - I have had two breakdowns, one when DDwas about 2 and one recently, the recent one is worse but im doing ok as im on medication now and waiting for counselling again. I have a very good, understanding GP and not once has my parenting been put into question. My DD is 7. The question wasn't even raised.

Please go and talk to your doctor, you have so much to cope with just now there is little wonder you are struggling, it is really ok to ask for help xx

crossed posts with your last post there on your behalf - i'm sorry, i know this sounds tough but i really think that bloody cow needs reporting - how DARE she even suggest such a thing.

I have sat in my doctors surgery telling her how i want to throw myself under a train, ive self harmed too - your HV was talking so much shit. She shoudlnt be allowed to practice.

My dh and I are not having a good time. He is not supportive, we are in the process of splitting. He's been quite horrible while I was pregnant and now that we have found out the baby has died.

That HV ruined my life. I know that is a bold statement, but it's true. I have been looking over my shoulder for 12 years. when ds was a baby, i video'd everything, just incase he had an accident and someone blamed me. I felt lke I was being watched all the time.

She said that if I ended up with PND that he would be removed, I did end up with worse depression than ever, because of her.

I am terrified that if I go on anti ds now, if I ever end up having another baby, it will come back to haunt me again then.

I am struggling so much waiting for the mc to start, worrying that I will need to go into hospital if it doesn't. I have never felt so desperate and alone, I really have had enough now, it's only ds and the thought of how he will feel that is keeping me here.

SHe did actually report me to SS. They just phoned me,they dodn't even come out to see us, they weren't interested.

Of course they weren't interested, bloody over zelous cow - i hope you report her!

But back to now - please go and speak to your GP you do sound so very down and you need some support. I promise you that nothing will happen regarding your children, have a look at a few threads on this section, lots of us struggle, we are still good parents and there is never a suggestion otherwise.

Will you do that for me? Just make an appointment - i know its hard but it will be the second step towards feeling better. You could just print out your OP, let the GP read it if you are worried bout finding the words, he/she can also reassure you regarding the HV.

I have to see my GP on monday to get a referral to the early pregnancy unit if nothing has happened naturally by then, so I will ask her.

Thank you so much for the reassurance, I don't have anyone in RL to tell.

I hope you are OK, there is a section on here for miscarriage where i am sure you will get some advice and support with what to expect etc. Do speak to your GP, it really will help.