Horrible Rages & Suicidal Feelings

[slightlybonkers]

mum of 2 little boys (7 and 3) whom I love dearly with supportive dh.

unfortunately I can't seem to keep it together and end up putting myself under huge pressure and then blowing up.

every six months or so I seem to completely lose it out of the blue. Something trivial will trigger me getting more and more out of control.

by this I mean I get into a one-sided argument with dh, i shout, cry, throw things on ground, bang head on wall, slap my face. this happened yesterday evening. neighbours called the police who spoke to me outside the house and said that if it happened again they would call social services as there were children in the house.

I have been to the GP about how down I feel over the years. she feels I am not clinically depressed but weighed down with worries, v stressed and isolated. on her recommendation I saw a counsellor for 6 sessions. the counsellor encouraged me to do more things for myself (yoga, nights out...) We explored various issues such as perfectionism. I often think of suicide but would never act on this.

I am at the end of my tether. I rent privately and fear the landlord will move to evict us. Neighbours complained before about noise. We both work but my job is ending at the end of this month. I had an interview on Monday for a great job but haven't heard back yet. I think this was probably at the root of the incident. I have told no one that my job is finishing. I just want to find a better job and then not have a gap or sympathetic noises. This is in itself silly as the job that I am leaving is maternity cover that dragged on longer than expected.

Any advice?

I did see a psychiatrist when my eldest was one, who also said I was within "normal" range and I was just adjusting to a new lifestyle, not suffering from PND.

I then thought maybe social anxiety was a key to this, the isolation and also the fact that I was a solitary child who was bullied and didn't fit in at school although I loved the academic side of things. I met with a specialist in social anxiety who was setting up a support group but never heard back from them!

I explained how shy I was as a youngster to the counsellor and that my mum always referred to me as being anti-social. I questioned if it could be mild aspergers but she said I am un-aspie as an adult - articulate, good communications skills. Maybe I have just internalised all the weirdness and then the wheels fly off and I go off the deep end???

Also, I have always worried about my relationship with alcohol - I was absolutely wild when at uni - did all sorts of crazy, inappropriate stuff. Actually went to AA for 9 months after one of my friends was raped after a bender. Never touched drugs. Slipped back into drinking now but not to get drunk more to relax and blot out the anxiety. Counsellor didn't see it as problem drinking.

Also, body issues - am a size 14 / 16 and swing between not giving a flying fuck and hating myself even more. Compare myself a lot to yummy mummy types.

House still gets messy but have decluttered a lot. Renting now for 7 years and this is a major issue. Even when house is tidy it's a tiny 1980's shoebox terrace with low ceilings and dark aspect.

Drink 2 - 3 nights of wk, share bottle of wine with dh or have 2 beers.

I will have too much maybe once a month eg last wed i had half bottle of wine, 2 v large vodkas plus weird absinthe concoction which dh made me throw out as was vile and very potent. I wasn't drunk or hungover yesterday. I do rely on alcohol to a certain extent as a treat / relaxant.

Very occasionally i can unexpectedly go on a mini bender eg last year boss brought me out for cocktails I hadn't eaten all day 2 martinis I was off my head speaking French and ordering champagne, patchy recollection of getting home. Hadn't told dh where I was and he had been really worried. I was home by midnight but felt out of control even though nothing happened.

Went to local aa group a couple of years back but tbh felt like a maligner. My previous experience of aa when I was in my 20's was different. I thought I found answer to all my problems was to never drink again. However looking back not drinking was being a good girl and I was a bit smug and precious about it all. Bit cringe. I do get obsessive and addictive about almost anything. My caffeine intake is nuts. I've read 4 books in the last 10 days. I'm wired for days and then I crash and sleep for my days off, dh takes kids out to sports stuff.

thanks for your reply. not sure if the highs are clinical. I do tend to stay up very late way too often. ashamed to admit I sometimes wake up on the sofa dressed from day before and just keep going. counsellor said this was a function of having young children.

self care and social isolation are positively influenced by working as have to look good (well human!). although the slightest negative comment or dirty look sends me into a complete tailspin. have to really concentrate on keeping it together sometimes. I did have a freakout at manager at xmas. she asked where sometime was and I shouted at her that it was nothing to with me and how dare she accuse me of stealing! I really upset her

it actually tends to be my days off work that i cannot cope. just feel empty and like I have no function. feel like we're not really a family unit. i'm like a spoiled child that dh has to coax and cajole.

another reason for blow-ups may be my overtly passive nature with acquaintances. I hate getting into one-sided conversations with people who keep banging about their amazing lives. I always feel they are sublimely critiscing me! weird, I know. eg if mil harps on about how thin she is, what amazing taste she has, what a good mother she was. All of this is highly debatable but I feel she is saying I am none of these things. If some random asked me to do them a favour, I agree without hesitation even if it massively inconvenienced me. Then maybe later on that evening I will blow up at dh.

Have you tried acupuncture? I've had anx and dep for over 10 years now. Used to get really 'ragey'! Out of frustration and anxiety more than anything. Take anti-deps for it and also have acupuncture once a fortnight. It has been brilliant. After trying different pills for so many years I looked to alternative therapy to work alongside them. Might work for you if you are ragey like I was. 'Rarrrrrr!!!!' Best of luck.

have booked appointment with GP tomorrow. think I will ask for anti-d's. although am reluctant.

Am going to step up the yoga and book acupuncture sessions.

if worst scenario happens and landlord moves to evict me, I will drag it out. I have no funds to move elsewhere and will continue to pay him ?1350 every month as we have done for years. Never late once. Don't qualify for any housing benefits. Presumably it would take at least 3 months to get rid of someone who didn't want to leave. In the meantime I could try and sort a mortgage.

However, this is another can of worms which causes me huge stress. My parents have money set aside for me to use as a deposit for a house if needs be. V. generous of them. They did same for my brother and also support my divorced aunt. They are not rich but have always been very sensible and thrifty with their income. However, we have debts of 5,000 on credit cards which we never seem to be able to pay off. Min payments are 600 per month . Parents baffled by this. I want to have these debts paid off and have approx. 5,000 saved before asking parents for this money. Bank probably wouldn't approve mortgage until debts paid off.

I really don't want to have to ask my parents for this money at all and neither does dh. dh would prefer us to rent and remain independent. I would too if we could rent somewhere decent that we could decorate to our own tastes with decent quality appliances etc. dh reckons i'd be the same anywhere no matter what living conditions were.

If I don't get the new job logically it's not the worst thing in the world. I will have time to get myself together. I could investigate living in a caravan in countryside for the summer months with kids and leave dh here - is this something one could do cheaply somewhere offbeat??