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Very affected by involvement in rape case

25 replies

DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 15/04/2013 11:57

I'm not going to give details of the case, as it hasn't gone to trial. But I had to accompany a girl to the rape unit last month. I sat through her description of what happened about 4 times over 8 hours, and it was grim. The police were amazing, as was the doctor.

But it's totally freaked me out. I was raped twice in my teens. The situation was very similar both times: no actual violence, compulsion, me a long way from home and unable to escape. Once in a backpacker's hostel in Cornwall, once in France. I was also assaulted (forced bj) when a bit younger.

Both times I didn't tell my family or friends. Didn't tell friends because both times I had serious boyfriends and I didn't want them to know. So I kept it to myself. And do you know, I've hardly thought about it for 30 years. Really.

I had a wild enjoyable sex life as a young woman. I wasn't affected sexually by these events. Treated them as you might falling off a horse. I guess I kinda shoved both these experiences to the back of my mind. I thought "more fool you" for going anywhere alone with a man in a foreign country. I couldn't face trying to report a rape in Paris, alone and 17.

I've always thought it was a bit OTT to describe rape victims as "destroyed" or having their "lives ruined". It surely depends on circs and specifics? My experiences were nasty, but I wasn't all that affected. Some, of course, but far worse things have happened to me than being raped.

I think what's got to me no, I'm sure what's got to me is the police with this other victim. They were amazing. They got such a good statement by being gentle and v v kind.

Made my heart bleed for me, all those years ago. Never even vaguely considered reporting what happened to me to the police. Can you imagine what response I'd have had in the 80s? The police were no source of solace or justice for me when I'd been attacked. Their intervention would've hurt me far worse. I would love to have been able to trust the police.

Some very odd woman on another thread thinks that for me to be so upset by my close brush with rape is bizarre and obsessive. Shock

She also recommends counselling, which is a good idea. However it's not as easy as that. You're only allowed one counselling call to Rape Crisis (I know, I rang them) and round here you could wait for months for 10 weeks CBT. I already think pretty healthily, according to the CBT practitioner I worked with. Private's not possible. So here I am. Any suggestions, she asks, hopefully...?

OP posts:
AnyaKnowIt · 15/04/2013 12:02

I've read the other thread...

Have you thought about reporting what happened to you to the police?

quietlysuggests · 15/04/2013 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 15/04/2013 12:38

I went because she couldn't bear having her mum there hearing (became even more violently distressed), plus neither parent was easily available. We were all in my house. And she + police needed to leave immediately.

In retrospect I wish I'd said I couldn't do it, but I didn't know it would affect me as it has. I felt she needed my protection but, as so often in my life, I put my own needs second. Not that I'm some lovely unselfish person, but as a single parent you get used to putting everyone else first, especially if they're not adult. And you get used to being everyone's protector.

You're so right about being too close to the situation. I need to distance myself.

I very much wish the whole family weren't so close. We all know the victim well. My DSs and their whole friendship group is affected. It's very tough all round. Sad

Annaknowit, sadly there's no point in reporting anything now. I don't even know my attackers' names. Never knew their last names, forgot their first ones as fast as I could.

OP posts:
nenevomito · 15/04/2013 12:56

This is the umpteenth thread you've started about this. You refer to it in other threads you've started too.

The advice you were given on these threads was to see if you could get counselling in real life to help you deal with it. Posting endlessly on a public website about a specific ongoing case isn't fair to the person you are talking about.

Please - real life, not MN.

nenevomito · 15/04/2013 12:59

Some very odd woman on another thread thinks that for me to be so upset by my close brush with rape is bizarre and obsessive.

No, she asked you to stop posting about an ongoing investigation and to go and seek help in real life rather than on a public forum after you worked the rape of this girl into a thread about pub teams.

TrampyPants · 15/04/2013 13:02

I agree with babyheave. This isn't fair on anyone.

iloveshortshorts · 15/04/2013 13:11

Like you said yourself you need to distance yourself from the situation.

Please get some sort of counselling for your own experience. You need to talk to someone privately in real life.

YoniLovesChachi · 15/04/2013 13:15

Could the police you had contact with offer you any advice on dealing with the information you have? I'm absolutely certain they wouldn't want you posting on an internet forum about it, so try to find another outlet asap.

Fenton · 15/04/2013 13:21

As much as you think you are disguising the details this is still too public a place to be posting about it, especially at the moment with the site getting such attention.

The assault that happened to that girl is not at all about you, BUT the things that happened to you are - that's what you need to be talking about - not her assault, yours, and with professionals not on a very public forum, for your own good.

I hope you get the help you need.

TrampyPants · 15/04/2013 13:23

Fenton, exactly!

DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 15/04/2013 13:47

Did you not read my OP? I'm not asking about an on-going case. I'm seeking advice from MN people who've had similar issues -- old rape memories. It's not the case, it's the effect on me and the memories dragged up.

If we're not allowed to post on mental health, then why have a mental health section? People seek and get advice on mental health here. PND, sexual abuse... People write about rl DV, about rl child abuse. What makes my situation so unacceptable? It's weird to get so brushed off over something that I'd have thought most people would perceive as being a big deal. In fact it appears to be harder to get RL support on rape than on PND, for example.

I'm hoping for advice from the many, many MNers who must, statistically speaking, have had very similar experiences. How do I deal with the memories of my past that the present's brought up? And if you read the OP you'll see I'm having problems accessing RL support.

Posting endlessly? I made one long v distressed post which was, quite properly, deleted. Then mentioned it in another but only incidentally. Now this. Not what I'd call overkill. Sad

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 15/04/2013 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito · 15/04/2013 14:01

Your OP and subsequent post don't just talk about your past experiences, they reference repeatedly the case regarding the girl.

I am the last person on earth to say that people shouldn't post on MH, but for the love of pete will you STOP talking about that rape case.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 15/04/2013 14:04

Rape crisis - as I said before - do not offer counselling. They presumably can't afford it any more. You get one call. That's it.

So touched by the concern shown.

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 15/04/2013 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito · 15/04/2013 14:10

Disorganised - if you posted JUST about your experiences and wanted help with what happened to you in the past, then you would get a lot of support here. There are a lot of women who have had similar experiences and are traumatised by them that are supported on MN all the time.

What people are trying to say to you here is that you need to stop going into detail about what happened recently as its an ongoing case and its not the first time that you've either written about her rape, or written about other problems that she has. Its not fair on her for you to put it onto a public forum.

Its not because we don't want to discuss rape or the effects it has on victims, even years later.

Sunnywithshowers · 15/04/2013 14:14

OP, I've found a couple of links that might be helpful.

Mind infoline should be able to put you in touch with support organisations.

this page shows some useful links at the bottom.

I hope they're useful x

DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 15/04/2013 14:29

Thanks, Sunny. Will see if anyone's offering free support.

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/04/2013 17:56

Rape crisis - as I said before - do not offer counselling. They presumably can't afford it any more. You get one call. That's it

OP, I work at RC. This ^^ is not true. I don't know if the rape crisis centre that you phoned operates differently, but where I work, we offer open-ended counselling Confused

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/04/2013 17:58

To be clear, I am not trying to deliberately contradict you, OP, but the information that you have is incorrect, and I want other posters to be aware of that. As I say, maybe different areas operate differently, but the centre that I work at covers a wide region.

MrsHoarder · 15/04/2013 18:07

Op maybe if you asked mnhq to react details about this girl's case people could focus better on your issue.

As for counselling,I know two charities in my city who offer counselling for whatever you can pay (sliding scale from free). There is probably something similar where you are, ask rape crisis or your gp if you can't find anything with a Web search.

MrsHoarder · 15/04/2013 18:10

React should obviously read retract

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/04/2013 18:14

Forgot to say, too, that counselling at RC is a free service Smile

TrampyPants · 15/04/2013 20:46

Avon, thank you for those posts. You're right, its important that readers know the facts, and where to go for help. Many mners are rape survivors and find these type of threads extremely triggering. RC do a fantastic job on minimal funds.

accordianna · 25/10/2013 11:19

I hope you have managed to find some support. There are many rape crisis centres. Click on your region to find out if there's one near you.
www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

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