Think I need help.(long post)

[twoofakind]

I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start from last night....when my husband says to me 'I think you need professional help'

I am married with 2 beautiful children age 2 and nearly 1.

I don't know exactly when these anger explosions began, but it would have been somewhere in between my mum dying in 2006 and now.

A lot as happened since my mum passing, including my Dad re-marrying and walking out on me on my wedding day in 2009 and Ive not heard from him since.

Anyway....since having my 1st child I have noticed a significant change in me....both my children have been good since birth, sleeping all night and never really crying, they're not dependent on me so I can leave the room to clean if I needed (most of the time)

Its my 2nd whose more dependent on me so on the odd occasion he does cry if I need to do some housework I get really angry! I know I shouldn't but its like a switch in me that triggers soon as he starts to cry....I scream at him to shut up and can be quite rough with him sometimes, I've never hurt him but I'm scared one day I could do....its not like he cries for ages, just a few minutes but I still get angry. I hit my self or bang my head on the wall, or punch the wall, I throw things across the room, including toys and they've ended up breaking because of this, then I calm down and feel guilty. My husband doesn't know I do this, he knows I get angry but not to this extent.

I only get like this when I'm on my own during the day,not in public or when my husband is here in the evenings and weekends...I can put on a different face in public and be all calm when they start to cry.

Its not just the crying that gets me angry now...my dog who i've had since before the kids is starting to irritate me now...he stinks, he malts everywhere he licks himself and the sound of his lips smacking together irritates me, I hit my dog sometimes, which is bad but I just do it,like I said, I've never ever hit my children but I'm scared one day I will.

This is just some of my feelings but its the worst part.

I know I need to see the doctor, I'm just scared that if I tell him what I've put in this post whether my children will get taken off me.

Can any of you relate? Thanks for your help.

Your kids won't be taken away based on what you have said here........a lot of us are in the same boat when it comes to talking to Gp's Psychiatrists when it comes to the kid's as there are so many horror stories. It is something i worry about and am wary about how i word things.

It sounds like you need help, you have been through a lot over these past few years and sound like you maybe need councilling. You are showing symptoms of depression and maybe an anti depressant may help. Go talk to your Doctor but maybe don't mention things like you are a bit rough with your child (i maybe wrong for saying this) i am not a professional so my advice counts for nothing really but you are not coping as things stand at the moment, a course of anti d's may help and it may help to talk to a councilor or another form of talking therapies........there are generally long waiting lists for these though, well in my area there is.

I wish you well and hope you get help, xxx

Thank you...I don't think I will mention that to the Doctor, I just wanted to tell this post how bad I can be.My kids are very happy children and the roughness is very rare and minimal....Thank you for replying and not judging. xxx

We are all here to help not judge...well i hope so lol!

You have done well realising that you have a problem and want to seek help, you should be proud of yourself for that.

Life is hard enough with two small children........there is only a 17 month gap between mine, guessing yours is similar? Mine are 4 and 5 now and i totally get the irritability when they disturb me when I'm cleaning etc.... especially when they are arguing over something and i have to leave what i am doing to stop them, i really have to bite my lip and stop myself from turning into a screaming banshee! Although on occasion i have, it's normal i think?!

On top of all this you lost your mother and have the problems with your father which sound unresolved.

Don't be harsh on yourself, although easier said than done, xxxxx

Thank you...19 months between my 2, I've just this moment made an appointment to see my GP next week,so hopefully can start to get some sort of help.

Oh the 'Dad' situation is a long story, this maybe one of the causes for my behavior,I didn't have a bad childhood.. my mum had a severe stroke when I was 11 and me and my Dad cared for her till she passed away, so not much time for teenage stuff! Maybe im just trying to blame something for my behavior!xxx

Trying to find blame for how you are feeling is surely logical.

I'm half way through a 9 month waiting list for Psychotherapy through the hospital, i am not too sure what they will do but like you i have a lot of issues from my past that i just haven't dealt with, oddly enough they are mainly with my Father too although totally different scenario than yours..
I am talking to my Father again now after a spell of not......we have talked through a few things in my past and he has apologised yet when ever i get really depressed i get so upset about things that happened. I have come to the conclusion that no amount of talking to him will ever heal it and that i need to deal with this myself and lay things to rest in my own mind......i am hoping the therapy can help me with this.....it's my last hope!

It's really sad that you have not heard from your dad in over 3 years, do you want to speak to him, is it a mutual thing?

Glad you made the appointment, you have taken the first step, xxxxx

Not a mutual thing at all, no... after my mum died he re married soon after and I tried to get on with his new wife but she just seemed to want my Dad to herself, she even said to me 'you've had him for 22 years, its my turn now'! she slowly turned all my family against my Dad so now he doesn't talk to any of them...It was my wedding day when he left....he walked me down the aisle, gave me away and left after the ceremony, I walked into my wedding reception and he wasn't there. His wife had dragged him out before I got there, not seen or heard from him since, apart from a letter where he told me he doesn't want to see me for the foreseeable future. He's never even seen my kids, I sent him a picture of the scan but it was sent back to me! I do want to see him again, for the sake of the kids, but I just don't know how I can.

Are you receiving any help during the wait?....that seems like a long time to me, im so inpatient I like things to happen straight away, though I know they won't! xx

That's heartbreaking twoofakind.........i would be so hurt and wouldn't be able to forgive that either, i bet all this anger and frustration you are feeling now is coming from this.

I'm getting help with the medication side of things but nope just on this waiting list for the talking therapy or whatever it is they will do.......I'm the same i want things yesterday.......but no that is how long i am having to wait for the therapy, frustrating! Although I am trying to be positive I have needed this for years so a few more months can't hurt.

Good luck next week and let me know how you get on, xxxx

Thank you, its nice to finally chat to someone about it, even if it is only virtual! xx

I can completely understand how you feel. Life is so demanding these days and society so judgemental.

My emotional outbursts sound just like yours. I've previously been on AD's and started counselling but dropped both when felt a bit better. But weyhey here I am again: angry, tired depressed and struggling to play 'tag' for the billionth time today with my daughter as frankly I want to go to bed and cry some more. It's hard to be a brilliant Mum when I'm depressed but I don't think it makes me a bad Mum.

I am off to see the Dr next week, get back onto AD's and stick with counselling until I really can cope with life in the long term.

Good luck with Dr and counselling. If there is a bit of a wait for NHS counselling and private isn't an option pop along to your local library and pick up a few self help guides. Most give a few simple coping techniques that could help in the meantime.

My only piece of advice is be honest with yourself and don't give up!

Thank you Squigletpie....will keep that in mind....

And I don't have tag to contend with...yet...! so im lucky in that sence,xx

just thought id update you...
I went to the docs kast friday, I had a good day that day so it was quite hard to explain to her my feelings...but somehow i managed! she gave me medication, whict I started taking soon as i got back, and I felt awful! fuzzy head, naucious, and ive been taking them a week now and im having trouble sleeping! the doc said they take about 2 weeks to start working and 6 weeks at there peak, so im hoping il start feeling improvements next week!