Really tired of fighting

[Bakingnovice]

I was going to name change but I won't. I do enough hiding in RL and I don't want to do it here. Many months ago I posted about feeling low here and had some amazing support.

I had a terrible childhood. I am successful, really loved with wonderful kids, house, husband, family. I am held up as a role model for others. I'm the go to person for any one with problems. I'm funny, intelligent, kind.

But I feel so low. My sisters who are v close to me suspect I am depressed but I hide it. I hide it from everyone apart from my hubby. I just cannot discuss it. If I do I feel like I'll sit down and cry for 100 years. Ogres up with a depressed violent mother so I don't want my kids to see me depressed. I don't want any medication. I just can't. I spoke to a gp years ago and was prescribed citalopram but didn't take it and never went back. I can lie in bed all day, I feel angry at myself. I don't know why. Angry unless I clean the whole house, cook from scratch, do an activity with the kids. If I eat something nice I feel so guilty. I need to lose about a stone but I'm not losing. My heart is not in it. If I eat, laugh or get a compliment I feel I don't deserve it. I am so tired of fighting myself. Hating myself. I want to enjoy my life, live each day. Instead I hide behind this mask until I am alone.

Baking - if you suffered from severe and persistent migraine, you wold feel no guilt about taking medication to relieve your symptoms. Why is depressive illness different?

I think my issue with ADs is that I grew up seeing my mum zombied out or dealing with other side effects of AD. I know medicine has moved on and I am severly prejudiced but I am so scared I will be a terrible mother to my kids if I take anything. Also, when I researched citalopram it terrified me. I just can't risk ring like my mum.

Truly, it doesn't have to be like that nowadays. I'm not saying that you won't experience any initial side effects (although you might not), but you're exhausted trying to keep up this normal facade. You deserve better.

I'm scared to take anything. Also, if I'm damaged emotionally as a result of my childhood doesn't that mean I'm unfixable? I always thought ADs dealt with dealing with an imbalance in the brain. I feel like I'm beyond fixing.

You won't be like your mum as you are not her. You are you. You are someone who is successful and has a lovely family and you have self awareness. You are not your mother.

Depression can happen to anyone and drugs now are so different and while I can really understand why you don't want to take anything, perhaps now you need to decide which is better. Being ill and feeling bad and unfixable, or feeling better, as that's the choice you can make. If you give AD's a go and back it up with some counselling to deal with your issues with your childhood and you mum, you can feel better again. You really can.

Your self-awareness means that you won't become the person you're scared of becoming. If you think your illness, untreated, won't affect your children then you may need to rethink. An unhappy parent, is an unhappy parent. You don't have to feel as bad as you are now. Why not give ADs a go.

No, you're not unfixable. Despite everything that you've been through, you have developed into a kind, responsible, well loved person. That is an incredible achievement on its own. You do, however, have an ongoing problem with depression that needs treatment.

If you don't want your kids to see you depressed the answer is to get the treatment you need.

I can understand your reluctance to take ADs, but as someone who has tried a few I know they're much better than the alternative of untreated depression. Or did your gp mention anything other than ADs?. I've found cbt quite helpful, it might help with some of the thought patterns you describe- the anger and guilt.

I hope you are feeling more positive soon, take care of yourself.