Light nights and feeling bad

[stripeyjimjams]

I just came here this morning to talk a bit and for a hand to hold, if possible. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression on and off for about 4 years. Last summer, a few months before me and DH got married, I had one of my worst episodes ever. It lasted months and I just wanted to die. Thankfully, I started to improve and was OK for our wedding and honeymoon and have mostly been stable since.

In the past few weeks, though, the light nights have started to bother me because they remind me of last summer when I really broke down. I don't know how to get past this feeling. Me and DH both had day off work on Good Friday, and I started to feel so anxious that I went into work anyway, just so I could have some cigarettes (DH hates me smoking). I know I'm not OK. I looked over at a pile of his clothes on a chair just there and felt so sorry for him having to deal with me and my sadness that I just burst out crying.

I'm on 100mg sertraline, but scared to increase because this just keeps happening - break down, changers, get better, get worse. Thank you for reading, I hope everyone is getting on OK.

StripeyJimJams - you really are having a really bad time of it.

Quite often, depression is hardest to cope with on the way out of an episode - because you are feeling well enough to concentrate - unfortunately, in my experience, on how bad it feels to live with depression.

A few things to think about:

-is this particular dip linked to anything? You mentioned an episode you had over the summer, presumably any related issues haven't been resolved if it is haunting you.

-is there any alternative to increasing your AD's? Have you had any form of counselling, for example?

-are you exercising? Exercise is nature's anti-depressant - my GP says!

-are you allowing yourself time to relax? do you do any mindfulness exercises or meditation?

-have you spoken to DH about how he feels about how you feel? I am sure you are well aware how much this wretched disease causes generalization and cataclysmic thoughts.

-when are you due a medication review? Sometimes, the AD's that work at one stage in your life, do not work at others - you may need to change medication or have your dose adjusted.

And don't worry about crying - it's your body releasing the stress that's built up (so I've been told).

Other tips: try to get light on a morning, allow yourself to be loved and looked after by those around you, try to love and look after yourself. And most of all, ask for help like you have today. You did well to do so.

Hi Helles, thanks so much for your kind reply.
There are definitely unresolved issues going on, but I haven't really had the chance to talk much about them as I've still not seen a counsellor after getting referred last summer - I should hopefully have an appointment in May, though. I'm very interested in mindfulness, but wouldn't be sure where to start. Is it something you've tried?

yes, it's very similar to meditation.

the idea is to concentrate on the now and on the tangible.

a good starting point would be a progressive relaxation cd or download.

works for me - when I remember to do it!