I shouldn't be a mother.

[MsAkimbo]

I've posted on here before. I'm not looking for sympathy or reassurance or validation. I just need to 'say' this.

I sit here with my baby refusing to sleep AGAIN after a very very long day, preceded by a long and painful weekend spent with toxic, critical family members. They're a big part of the reason I'm depressed. But they're right; I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't think they can do better. But at times like these I just don't think I can do it.

I get so sad and anxious over so many things. I get upset when I see graffiti in the park, when I have to vacuum, when another piece of food goes bad, when I realise no one has called or texted me for days, or when people do call or text and I realise I don't want to see anyone anyway.

I suck as a mother
I am useless. I can barely care for myself, let alone a baby. No wonder she cries all the time.

I am stupid. I make the same mistakes over and over again, and I have no one to blame but myself. I never learn.

I am selfish. I just want to go to sleep. I don't want to talk to my.baby or sing or read. I want to sleep.

Then I remember that my baby is amazing and deserves someone who can give her everything.

I just feel sad that's not me. I wanted a baby for as long as I can remember, and now that she's here I am beginning to realise that just because I wanted a baby does not mean I deserve one.

I used to work in childcare and after a dispute with a coworker, she told me that I wasn't a mother at heart. She was right.

Print what you've written down,show it to gp or hv.please act immediately
Get the help you need,let people support you,you're not in god place at mo
If can't face see gp get a home visit.if you struggle to talk show this post

You need support and assessment to figure a plan to help you
Take this day by day,minute by minute to help you recover
Best wishes,this won't be easy,wont be immediate but with help you'll get there.

But you are a mother. The fact that you care enough to be so anxious about it suggests to me you're a bloody good one.
I have 3 children. Do you know what advice I give to parents-to-be? I tell them not to underestimate what a lack of sleep can do to your mental health.
It is not selfish to want sleep. It is a basic human need. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture fgs!

You need help with your anxiety. Please, please see your GP about that.

Stop worrying about insignificant things like housework. prioritise taking care of baby, and you, and getting as much rest as you can. When you do that, you'll be stronger to deal with all the rest of it.

Try to ignore the toxic family. Find something about each person that you really dislike, and remind yourself of it every time they put you down. You don't have to tell them, just keep it in your head. (My silent mantra was ?MIL, shut up about breastfeeding when I know you used to hit your kids with a belt? Honestly, try it! No one needs to know and it does wonders for your self-esteem)

And finally- what your DD needs is what she's got. A mum that loves her enough to worry whether she's good enough. A mum who posts that she is wonderful and amazing on a public forum. Her mum. You.

Thank you both for reading. It felt good to get that out and get some good, practical advice.