where to go from here?

[Ihavetopushthepramalot]

So have finally admitted to myself that I'm not coping very well at the moment.

DH and I have a beautiful 6 month old DD who I love very much, but I'm struggling to be the best mum I can be.
I've always had periods of depression but its never been diagnosed. I come from a family where feelings aren't really discussed. Sign of weekness apparently.
Anyway recently we have decided to try and move. Currently living in a one bedroom flat with a mortgage with negative equity. But for various reasons, mainly financial we have realised this isn't going to be possible for a least a year.

I think the stress of all this has brought on this latest episode. Now I can't stop thinking about lots of stuff in my past that I've never really delt with. Lots of unresolved issues with my parents, friends, exs and also a couple of sexual attacks thrown in for good mesure.
I just really really don't want my issues to affect my DD. At the moment I'm finding it difficult to leave the flat. The weather and the fact we live on the top floor doesn't help much! I still play with her all day and make sure shes intertained, fed, bathed hugged lots. But sometimes, and this kills me to say this, my hearts not really in it as I'm thinking so much about my own issues.
Have confessed all to DH today and he's been very supportive. I've decided to make an appointment to see a doctor in the week.
The problem is I just can't help worring that my DD might get taken away. My DH works long shifts so I'm the main carer. If I say I'm not coping will SS be involved? Also I'm planning to go to University next year to study nursing and I'm not sure if that's possible with a MH history? I really don't want my issues to affect my DDs future.
Wow that was long! Thank you if you've made it to the end. Any advice would be appreciated.

Bump.

Six months is no time at all to recover from having a baby and the effects of it could still be hanging around, but it's no wonder you're feeling a bit trapped with the location making it a pain to get outside and the money stopping you from doing what you want to.

I can't believe there are many people who feel they live up to the ideal put forward as what makes the Best Parent Possible, most find there are times when it's more difficult than others, that you sometimes don't feel you're able to provide what you think your DC deserve, or that your eye isn't completely on the ball 100% of the time.

That's totally 'normal' IMO, and they're legitimate concerns about whether you're providing for the needs of your child, and this spurs you on to do the best you can to meet those needs.

Your DDs mum is worrying whether she's giving her the things she needs to be happy, that's the most a person could ask for a child, that someone cares enough to worry about them

(and really, you shouldn't ever feel guilty for thinking your own thoughts and about yourself, you're important too (and your DH sounds lovely))

Thanks for the reply ZigZag.
I'm feeling a lot better today, everything seems a bit worse at night I think!
Your right I think I might be just adjusting to such a big life change. My milk supply has just dried up, so doesn't help!
My DH is brilliant and so supportive so have a lot to be thankful for.
Will speak to my doctor in the week and see where I go from there.

Good luck, Ihave. There was a thread a while ago where a lot of women said that they went through a period if depression after stopping BFing. In hindsight, this ties in with my experience (2 weeks of, for me, relatively severe depression). I was very worried at the time that it was related to my periods, but luckily that doesn't seem to be the case.

Thank you ItsALL
So sorry to here you went through something similar. It's horrible thinking you can't cope, especially as it feels like you might always feel like this.
It's reassuring thinking it might be hormonal though. Hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon.