Slightly Scared

[FlyingPastTheCuckoosNest]

I've lurked on MN for quite a while now and I've finally got the courage to post.

Right now I'm sat waiting to see the GP about my mood swings that are all over the place (For example, last week I was trying to figure out the best way to top myself and didn't do it because I didn't want my children to find my body) but today, I feel perfectly fine. Well, apart from the horror of being locked up nearly overwhelming me and the horror of being considered to be mad.

I'm doing the right thing, I know I am because it's affecting my marriage, but right now I'm scared. I have no idea why I'm posting, I just need to let it out before I panic and run.

Okay, seen the GP and am being referred for assessment by the community mental health team. It's a start.

didn't want to read and not reply. Just wanted you to know you're not alone and you're not going to get locked up! You're not mad.

I have had same feelings and thoughts for a while too. The only reason I don't top myself is because I am a coward and also I couldn't let my sons grow up knowing they weren't enough to keep me wanting to live. No child should grow up thinking they weren't good enough or loved enough and that's the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

I don't know why I feel like this. I've always been up and down, suffered from massive anxiety and I don't deal with stress very well. Has anything in particular triggered these feelings for you?

Hey!

I've always been like this, about 12 is the earliest I remember, and up until the last couple of years, I had my moods pretty much under control but I slowly lost the ability after a couple of operations and it reached the point where one day I love my husband and children, and the next, he can say something in the 'wrong' tone of voice and then I rage followed up by sinking into a black hole.

The kids I've shielded as best I can, but I've caught myself asking for divorce even though I don't want it in the slightest.

Even though my husband has said nothing about it and tried to help, I decided it's time I fixed what's wrong and went to the GP.

I'm still shaking which is weird. It's like I ran a marathon but it was only visiting the doctor!

Thank you for replying to my post, I feel better knowing someone is listening :)

Didnt want to read and run.

Hi coughingbean, thank you for the virtual flowers :)

Feeling a bit twitchy right now and grinding my teeth because husband isn't here tonight and am fighting the urge to start texting him because I know I'll start sending stupid, angry stuff that I don't mean.

I wouldn't mind so much, but the only thing that's set it off is he called me to say goodnight.

Think I'll just watch Doctor Who and munch on my M&Ms instead. Heh, at least I managed to divert myself on to here this time instead of following through. That's got to be a good thing.