My life has NO value

[MillyMollyMandy78]

Hi all, quick back story for those that haven't read my previous post... My childhood was miserrable and abusive. My mum has been depressed most of her life and her only pleasure in life seems to be to make others feel bad - she is selfish, cruel and negative. I like to think that I'm genereally quite positive and bubbly, tho i do suffer sometimes from low self esteem. However, I do get these episodes of depression, when I become much more like my mother than I would like.
Now i know I need to go to the doctors and I plan to do that in the next week. I am currently doing a course of cbt too. But the problem is that i am useless - never succeeded at anything since leaving uni. I only work 3 hours a day and yet i have no kids to care for. I have no career or skills of any sort. My lovely husband, in comparison, is a successful GP and partner at thr age of 32! And to add to this he had an interview yesterday and got another really great job. I am pleased for my husband as he deserves it, but every success he has seems to drive home exactly how crap and pathetic I am.
I have many wonderful things in my life: no financial worries, nice home, and a husband who I love dearly. Yet everything I have in life is because I leech off his successes. Actually considered ending it all today - but didn't (obviously). Is there any hope, can I actually achieve anything? How?

Bump!

Yes you do need to seek some help if if you've felt suicidal millymolly, could you call someone like the Samaritans just to talk and get these issues off your chest.

If you hadn't said it directly I could've told you that your post reads like someone with low esteem issues.
I think it's very common for people with abusive backgrounds to find completing tasks difficult. Comes of being told we're no good. Is there anything no matter how small that you enjoy or take pleasure in doing? A hobby or interest you could look into further?

It's hard facing upto the past but you are not your mother, nor will you become her. Look after yourself millymolly. Keep talking x

And yet your husband loves you for you doesn't he? Doesn't that mean something to you? It should x Its wonderful to be happily married as you seem to be. You sound lovely: the way you speak of your love for your husband, etc.

Who cares if he is more successful than you. I am in a high skilled profession too and the stress is incredible and the long hours. I would give anything to be married to someone who could support us and I wouldn't have to do it!

Its strange isn't it. I feel suicidal because the lifestyle you have is out of my reach. I am alone, not much money (student debt) not many friends.

I don't really think anyone would miss me if I died.

PS my mother is also vindictive and spiteful....all she does is.focus in the negative and scream shout and swear at me. it was the soundtrack to my childhood.

Love is a 2 way street - you put energy into loving your husband and it is reciprocated.

You are already loved and loveable. Think of the fuckers like your mum out there who aren't loveable.

You are clearly special as you are in a loving relationship (I'm a counsellor and see dreadful relationships every day)

You are doing it right and I suggest if you feel suicidal you seek help. Also you need to do self esteem able things to build it after your horrible childhood.

If you haven't already, dump the mother.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things - having CBT and talking to the doctor about your depression.

It sounds like your DH is really supportive and its obvious you're proud of what he can do, but don't see what he does as a comment on you. Have you ever explored or thought really hard about what you would like to do? Do you think you'd want to train to do something or do a degree? Why not have a serious think about this. Talk to it about your counsellor if you think it would help.

I think if you set yourself small targets and then actually give yourself some credit when you achive them (instead of putting yourself down by saying they are small) and build yourself up that way.

You know I think I've become a fucker like my.mum who isn't lovable.

I try so hard in relationships and I get treated like dirt.

Thanks for all the advice/ support. Some useful things to think about. I wouldn't say I was suicidal really - more of a fleeting thought i had earlier. Know my husband would be upset if i did that & would be very selfish of me. More that i wish i could contribute/ achieve something - feel i've wasted my life... Does that make sense? I don't see that myself as having value just because i am loved by my husband - my dad has stood by my mum even though she is horrid to him too, he loves her so much and chooses not to see much of it. So if someone like my mum can be loved by a really nice kind hearted man like my dad, then i figure most people can!
Babyheave - I already have a degree but have moved from one low paid job to another. Nothing in particular i want to do... I actually had ambition in my teens, but not had that drive for many years now. I just wish there was something that i could contribute to something or someone, but no idea what that could be... Just something to stop me being such a parasite!
And my mum has mellowed a lot now, tho she still has her moments, it's nothing i can't handle and i've had lots of counselling in the past so she doesnt really bother me now.
A1980 - you sound like a lovely person. I hope you find the peace and happiness you are looking for soon! Take care!

You are not useless, you are not valueless - this is just repeating what you have "learned" (wrongly!) from your mum.

NOBODY is without value, certainly not someone who is loved - by your DH, by your dad, by your mum too when she is not being twisted by her illness. Your value as a person has nothing to do with employment, offspring, achievements.. - it is internal to everyone.

Depression is an illness, it can happen to anyone and it is not their fault. There ARE things that can be done to help it, but you will need to give people the chance to help. So get that appointment booked!

If you have the urge to feel you are contributing more, and if you have some time to spare, why not consider volunteering if/when you feel up to it? Have a look at www.do-it.org.uk/, or why not contact a charity you would like to support, or get involved with a local organization?

I don't see my life as having any value as nobody loves me and I'm so lonely.

Big careers and professions such as medicine law business engineering...are necessary to sustain life but love is one of those things that makes life worth living.

Tell you what, you take my life and be a solicitor, deal with horrible clients and long hours and be alone and unlovecd.

Ill take your life any day....it sounds fab. We always want what we don't have though x

A1980 - sorry, no trade! So sorry that your life makes you so sad. I KNOW my life is fab! I just want to give something back... I know people around me think 'she's so lucky/ fallen on her feet etc... Just want to be WORTHY of having found love, and financial security... Without being perceived as lucky/ lazy/ entitled etc. I guess it's the difference between being given a 'wage' for staying in bede all day, and earning a wage for a fair day's work... i want to be able to EARN my life. Does that make sense? Does that make me sound like a brat? I would love to wake up feeling equal to my husband and deserving of my home etc. Instead I feel like all i do is take from the world/ my husband... I want to feel proud of me/ for my husband to be able to be proud of me (tho he says he does).... Proud of anything, would be nice!

I'm going to be cruel to be kind here but yes it does make you sound like a brat.

On the one hand you're suicidal and see no value in your life because of it. But you wouldn't trade it and then say you know it is fab. which is it?

I am so depressed because I am trapped in my life. I have student debt, I am a legal aid lawyer and the wage is pathetic and isn't enough to cover my debt and rent so I have to live work mum. I've been looking for another job for a year and can't find one. I got.treated like dirt in my last relationship at the end and it was brutal. no one has ever really loved me.

I know all the reasons why things can't be done.

You? Get off tour backside, find something that interests you and go and do it. if you wanted to.retrain in something I guess there would be no problem paying course fees.

Stop wallowing and get out and do something.

I have no one to spend holidays with nowhere to go at night and at weekends....I am completely stuck.

Enjoy x

It doesn't have to be a learned profession...it just has to be something that means something to you.

For example, I love yoga and Pilates. I would love to train further in it and be a teacher etc. No time, no money. Ditto most of the other hobbies id like to try .

Just go and find something to do that you enjoy....I envy you.

PS does your dh know any single male gp's? I'm serious.. let ne know if he does.

Hope I wasn't too fierce but you have so much going for you and you sound so lovely.....go girl.

Milly I think this is one of the issues with depression. It is an illness and has no bearing on what your life is or what you're doing with it. From the outside (and inside for that matter) everything can look wonderful. When you're depressed it doesn't matter what it's like on paper, you just aren't well enough to appreciate or manage it.

A1980 - I think that's a bit unkind. Being depressed isn't necessarily about a situation, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Whilst your situation sounds horrid it doesn't mean the OP isn't entitled to be unhappy/depressed.

Milly - I could have written every word of your posts, except that DH is in finance rather than medicine. It's horrid to feel like you're not worthy of their love/affection/support. The one thing I would suggest is trying to find a counsellor you gel with. It can be a bit trial and error but you know when you've found a good one. I saw mine (in SW London if you're local pm me for a recommendation) for 18 months until January, and have just gone back as I don't cope well without him. I also find exercise is great for alleviating the black thoughts.

I can't help much with direction though - I'm back at university and, though I'm doing really well, feel like dropping out at the moment. A lecturer was rude to me and my self- confidence dropped through the floor as a result. I don't want to leave as I always give up at things but don't know how to stay/go back.

My mother and I have a difficult relationship too, I've not worked out how to manage that one yet.

Yes you are right .... i am sorry x

I hope you forgive me.

The OP said most of it is because she doesn't feel worthy of her life. The only day that will change is if she decides to go and do something with her life.....

Not doing anything won't help her feeling of self worth. its the only way out for her if this truly is the cause of her depression.

Have you a hobby or interest op that you've always wanted to try?

You work a little, what do you do?

You've been to uni, you're a smart girl....could you take careers advice?

Are you wanting to start a family? There is nothing more worthwhile than raising the next generation. It May open a need world for you, new friends, etc.

I think it comes down to complete lack of self esteem in my case, very similar story, miserable abusive childhood, abusive husband and now lovely partner but i just dont feel good enough and actually never have done. a waste of space sums up my view of myself perfectly. I am also having cbt and think it is making it worse as have to keep a thought record this week.

Hi Milly I've popped over from the other thread, I hope you don't mind. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Your husband chooses to love you. He doesn't have to but he does. That means you are special. You are doing something right even if you can't see it.

On a practical note, what would you like to do to EARN your wage (as you put it). Could you do voluntary work? or do you need to earn money? If you could do anything in the world with no barriers to get there what would it be?

I think A1980 has a point after reading your later posts OP. This doesn't sound like depression, more an ennui of how your life is running at the moment. Only you can change it.

If you know your life is fab and you want to stop feeling like a parasite there are loads of things you could do. There are masses of organisations who need volunteers to help out in anything from charity shops, to visiting old people, to helping out children's charities or mental health charities or charities that support cancer or disability or any list of other things. If voluntary work doesn't grab you then why not look at retraining at something.

You're a bright woman. You have a degree and the financial independence to be able to go and do those things. There is a MASSIVE difference between your life having no meaning and just feeling like you ought to be doing more with it. Only you can get yourself off your arse.

A couple of things for A1980 I was in your position for most of my 20s. Shitty relationship with a man who stole, cheated and treated me like crap. Lousy job, masses of debt. Please believe that it won't be like that forever. I'm probably about 15-20 years on from where you are now and things are very different {{hugs}} to you.

A1980 - it's ok u weren't really too harsh. I know I'm wallowing, there are so many people out there with horrid lives and the just get on with it... But that just makes me feel even more like a loser. When I'm well, i get just as frustrated as u with people that see the negative in life... I'm actually a glass half full kind of person usually (honest)! I understand u r just trying to get me to 'wake up' and i appreciate it.
I don't really have any interests (or skills either). I like reading, chilling out with my husband & dogs, am vegan so that's very important to me, and that's pretty much it...
I'm sorry, but all the gps we know are taken, but will keep my ears to the ground for you x
Debstar - lovely of you to pop over from the other board to show your support. Thank you!
My job is in the surgery where my husband works. I deal with the admin side of things. Children are not in our future.
Screaming & Hurryup - it's nice to see that you understand some of what i am feeling. It is completely about feeling not worthy! I jus feel like a complete drain. I also had an abusive relationship for 8 years before i met him - I left eventually because i felt like i was worth more - seems like i'm not happy either way! Part of cbt made me feel worse too as had to evidence what i did to contribute/ not be a loser ... No evidence for the whole week!

You have no.interests or.skills...get some.

Go to the gym, yoga, learn to sail, take an open university course, just do it.

I hope you can 'get' this.
What you're feeling is existential! Just remember that your worth is exactly the same as everyone else's.

Thanks Tigermum - lovely link! feeling a bit better today after some long chats with hubby and some food for thought on this message board!

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