Please can someone help me? Very down (long)

[ffswhatnow]

I'm so sorry to be posting this - I know you've all got much better things to do with your time but if you could offer me any support at all I would be so, so grateful.

Background: I have always been depressed. Even form my earliest memories I was a miserable child, couldn't understand why, was always being told off for being miserable. Even on holidays I was told that I had "a face as long as my arm" - even if I really enjoyed myself, parents just couldn't understand if I was down (later realised this was probably due to a "change" and I couldn't process/come to terms with this properly).

Started citalopram (after a couple of disastrous tries of seroxat) - initial dose of 40mg, have been on 60mg for what seems like forever (probably only about 3 years). Dabbled with olanzapine (half a minimum strength tablet) but made me feel utterly crap. OK on citalopram.

So many things have happened in the last year. I broke my back in 2 places, off work for 6 months and was sent to another dept where, my manager warned me initially, everyone disliked me. (Historical/political reasons - many of them I didn't know from Adam). Still there.

Husband has lost his job. I've been really unwell with abdo problems.

Additionally DH and I have been together for 13 years this year, married for 4. I'm 30. I so desperately want a family, a little unit I can just focus on and care about nothing else in the world apart from a little bundle of love. Don't get me wrong, I love DH hugely, but it's not the same (he's approaching 35, so, so want him to be a daddy by the time he is 40). Never been able to afford a wee one and now it's even less likely.

I am just so, so down. I want to go to sleep and just die. (Don't worry, no immediate plans - I know, I've been there before prior to starting citalopram). I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean, screaming and pleading for someone to help me, but all I get is an empty silence. I'm trying to concentrate on keeping DH in one piece but I feel like I'm crumbling. The only friend I could talk to about all of this lives quite far away, if it isn't something that concerns her she isn't interested.

I'm so sorry to post this, I know you're all busy but I feel so desperate and alone. Please, can someone even tell me that they feel the same, even sometimes?

I've NC'd - historical issues with parents ("if you go to counselling you'll be sectioned and taken away from mummy and daddy") and I'm ashamed of myself.

I hope others will come to help. Would you ring the samaritans to chat stuff through? 08457 90 90 90 or email [email protected]

I dont know about the pills, and I cannot say I feel the same. So I am just hoping my will help you.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply

I don't know if I could bring myself to call the Samaritans. The way I was brought up, anything like that/counselling etc was "shameful", and any problems I was having were insignificant compared to what other people were going through. This is the most I've been able to spill out in, quite literally, years

Ah, you poor thing. I haven't got a fraction of what you've got going on and I often feel quite desperate. Sending you lots of understanding and a big hug.

Counselling isn't shameful in the least. It's actually very brave to bring feelings out and talk about them. I'm having therapy just now, which is hard but is helping.

I've also phoned the Samaritans in the past and they were great.

There is no hierarchy of pain. Just because someone else in the world is suffering doesn't make your suffering any less, or any less important.

Keep talking to us, we're here

Hi ffs. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Honestly I do.

Looking at it on the outside you've had a tough few years by anyone's standards. You've had serious physical trauma and continuing physical ill health. You've had to take time off work and are now in a department where your manager was a cock - and they were a cock to tell you that AND incredibly unprofessional to boot. To top it all you're now supporting you and your DH has he lost his job.

This is all some seriously, SERIOUSLY stressful stuff and would bring someone who had no history of depression down, so its no surprise you're feeling so down yourself.

First of all, the children thing. I can understand where you're coming from as at 30 I was seriously broody, but its not too late, even if you have to wait. DH is a lot older than I am and we had our first when he was 39 and our second when he was 44. Put that worry to one side for the moment as I am sure that once he has found a job and things have been stable for a while you can start a family, so its not too late. As for being able to afford a child, you just manage to find the money somehow. Its weird, but you will be able to manage.

You sound absolutely exhausted. Are you sleeping properly? If not, then another trip to your GP to see if you could get something to help you sleep short term may help you recover. While you are there, ask them to refer you for counselling.

I know you find it difficult to talk, but I think you need some help to come to terms with what has happened to you over the last few years as well as unpicking some of the stuff left over from your childhood. I'm shit at talking to people about my mental health face-to-face, but with a counsellor who I only see once a week and then I never have to see again, it is so much easier.

You are stronger than you think. What you have been through would bring a lesser person to their knees. Remember that, even when you're feeling down.

Is there any way you could take a break away from it all, even if its to see your friend who lives a way. A break can help give you perspective.

FWIW, I've been v ill over the last year and recognise what you have written in myself. You're not alone.

Thank you - I'm so grateful that you've replied to me - it almost feels like what I'm feeling is valid IYSWIM? I just feel so pathetic and desperate ATM - like "why the hell should I be crumbling when everyone else is so strong?" I feel shit at my job, shit as a wife, shit as a member of a family (mum unwell, sister spilt from physically and emotionally abusive fiance, aunt in and out of hospital with severe spine problems) - why is it me who needs the support when others need it more? I'm also in the NHS, and day in and day out I see people who really need help - what makes me so precious?

I feel like talking to a counsellor is just so far out of the question - I'm so far from brave it hurts, all I can do it try to put on a brave face and I'm failing at that as well. It took a miracle for me to see my GP - even now I tremble going in to see her.

Just to lay it on really thick (!) - I have now lost my 3 remaining grandparents since 2006. My Mum's parents I loved so, so much - my sleep is a bit troubled to say the least. I keep dreaming about them and their house. I just can't come to terms with what happened.

Jesus I'm just whinging now

Of course it's valid my love. I bet you're feeling for and supporting your family members with all their stuff, as well as what's going on for you. You sound such a nice, caring, generous person. The kind of person anyone would love as a friend.

Would it help to try and look at your situation from the outside, and see it as a loving friend would? I do this when I'm being too hard on myself and need some help. It helps me see what I can do to parent and love myself. Maybe, just a cup of tea and a sit down, a hot bath, something nice to eat or just some compassion to myself from myself, saying that yes, I have got a lot on and I'm doing well holding things together considering. Because you are, you're doing so well!

Oh ffs - as other posters say, what you've been through would make even the most easygoing person depressed. FWIW, me and my DH want to start a family (I'm 28, he's 38) - don't worry about his age right now. I know trying counselling sounds frightening, but as other posters have suggested, why not try calling the Samaritans? At the very least, you can get some 'practice' at talking about your feelings. And posting on here. I think all that could be seen as making positive steps to be able to engage with a counsellor face-to-face one day. Are you in Scotland? (That's just my guess from 'wee one.')

Sorry I've not been back - this has happened this week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1702132-I-probably-am-but-please-be-gentle

Thank you all for your support, I have to admit that I just feel utterly broken, especially after being bollocked by a family member. Breathing seems like a monumental effort. Everything is a big deal (I made a pen mark on my new suede handbag and I cried).

God that sounds so pathetic.

It's strange - normally I'd say exactly that to friends going through a hard time Fatherfluffybottom - I don't understand why I can't seem to do what I have always advised other prople to do. Maybe i don't see any of these to be "real" problems? Maybe I'm just being totally and utterly wimpish and unreasonable and I'm the only one who can't see it?

Lime - no, not in Scotland, but all my family are from Edinburgh (both sides), so I've been brought up with phrases like wee, peely-wally, dreight (sp?), dibble etc!

FFS you sound like you have a huge amount on your plate and as all the other wise posters have said, it would be enough to make anyone depressed, let alone if you've had a tough childhood. I completely get what you say when you talk about feeling self-indulgent and other people having worse times... I am in a similar boat at the mo. I have just started counselling, 2 weeks in. When I recounted all the crap that went on last year, and the counsellor said it back to me I realised what a lot I had had to deal with and it did help me see that I need to be kind to myself. I completely get what you say when you advise other people to be kind to yourself, but can't take your own advice - I struggle similarly, but still think its good advice

I had a chronic health problem when I was 30 which meant I couldn't start a family then. It had been one of my only life goals - have kids before 30 and it was devastating. I am now 41 and I have a lovely DD and DS. You have time for that and lots of other good things too. It is good to talk about what you're going through now and how your childhood affects your emotions and thoughts and behavours now. As someone else said if counselling is too daunting at the mo, consider the samaritans, and keep posting here too.

Be kind to yourself, take care x

Colouringinqueen I can't believe you've just said that - I also desperately wanted a DC before I turned 30, and I also have very very actual "goals". All my life I wanted to have a child at 28, another at 30 and a third later on, possibly 36/37. Maybe that is actually one of the reasons why I feel so crap atm - I'd never thought of it like that

Ah I can imagine, but as you know we can't always plan these things. I am older (obviously) but hopefully wiser having them a little later than originally hoped! Hang in there.