Recurrent Depression (sorry, long)

[MillyMollyMandy78]

My mother has battled with mental illness throughout her adult life, and this was much worse when i was a child and I had an abusive childhood. This left its scars at the time and i have resolved these feelings through counselling several years ago. My grandmother also had severe depression when younger so seems to run in the family.
My mother has always been emotionally unavailiable, is negative, critical & cruel, makes up lies to try to drive wedges between rest of family, thinks only of herself etc and i have always held her as an example of what i don't want to be like. I am generally a happy, positive, kind & supportive person.
However, I have had periods of anxiety and depression in the past. I have always put these down to situations at the time eg relationship break down, bereavement, work stress etc. That has always sat ok with me, as eveeryone struggles & goes through hard times.
But the last week, I have been entering another episode of depression and I'm finally seeing that I may have inherited a lifelong fight with depression and I'm devastated. My life is amazing at the moment, i genuinely have no stress and i have been really happy, so this time the depression has hit out of the blue and I can't blame it on anything else. I'm finding this extremely hard to deal with because my biggest fear has always been that I'd 'turn into' my mother. I spent my childhood watching my mum deteriorate and hurt everyone around her with her cruel actions, and for her problems to change her as a person beyond recognition.
I can't find peace in recognising that i will probably get these depressive episodes now throughout my life. I am like two different people: happy, positive, bubbly, morphing into a negative, self-centred monster. Can anyone help me? Hope this makes sense to you all!

Hi millymollymandy - love the name by the way! You may have inherited depressive traits and there's nothing you can do about your genes! But you can be responsible for your actions - not everyone with depression is an abusive monster. You sound like a perfectly normal person who is self aware and kind to others so be proud of that. All anyone with depression can do is take medication if needed -deal with any issues by doing cbt etc and try to limit the impact of these episodes on others (not always possible!?!). No-one knows for sure how and why depression happens but your past may have a lot to do with it. Just be the best you can be when you have the opportunity to and try to brave the clouds of depression and remember to turn your face to the sunshine whenever it appears! Hugs xx

Thank you for your kind and comforting reply! I am currently part way through a course of CBT and plan to go back to the doctors to discuss an action plan. I have also done plenty of reading and aim to draw up an action plan to minimise my depressive episodes and perhaps get better at recognising when I am heading towards one.

Hi Millymollymandy, just wanted to offer you some support. I completely understand that worry about turning into your mother. My mum had an awful childhood and I think is a rather depressed, self-centred adult, which has had an impact on me. But as Fragglewump says this difference is that you're self aware, kind and actively looking for ways to understand and deal with depression. I really hope the CBT helps, my OH has found it v helpful for his depression/self esteem, and going back to the GP proactively is a great idea. A friend recently said that altho being depressed is very hard, it helps us become more self aware and understand ourselves better, and I hope you'll be able to find what makes you happy and techniques to keep the depression at bay. Take care x

Thank you ColouringInQueen (love that name btw). I'm sorry to hear about your family problems - our mums can leave a huge legacy can't they? Our mums sound very much alike. I have been Doing a lot of thinking today and even though I'm still upset, I do feel like the situation isn't as bleak as I first thought.
And I do feel that I am better prepared now that I have finally faced the true situation, instead of making excuses/ searching for reasons for my behaviour/ feelings. I have been trying to get my head round things for so long and at least now it makes sense.... I've spent too long thinking I can't get motivated cos I'm lazy, feel down cos I'm in the wrong job/ relationship/ having a mid-life crisis/ whatever, and never linking things together. At least now I can stop looking for answers as to what's 'wrong' with me, and start working towards getting, and staying, as well as possible.

Yr welcome. Your post resonates with me as I'm trying to come to terms with my most significant period of depression, but recognise I've had lots of bumpy times over the last 10 years and clearly there's a predisposition there too... Yes, mums can leave a huge legacy and I'm a mum to DD8 and DS4 and currently a bit paranoid about my own impact. But like you say trying to face the situation and deal with it is a good positive approach. I've just started ADs and psychodynamic counselling and am hopeful that will help. If not I will also be trying the CBT route. If you've any real good book recommendations do let me know! I have found the mental health threads here v helpful too. Good luck!

ColouringinQueen: You are leaving your children the legacy of facing your problems in a positive way, which is a good thing & teaches them strength of character. I can understand your paranoia though, i don't have children and part of the reason for this was my fear of damaging them and causing them the sort of pain my mum made me feel.
Haven't read any good cbt books, currently doing an online course called beating the blues, after a referral from my gp, which is providing me with some useful tools to manage my feelings. Hope things work out for you x

Hi MillyMollyMandy, thanks for your lovely post. I've heard of beating the blues - really hope it helps you. Hope you're doing OK this morning and working towards your action plan. Take care.

ColouringinQueen - Beating the Blues is really useful (bit patronising at times, but i just look past that). But it does provide several useful tools for helping you challenge negative thoughts & feelings. This morning was really rough actually - I found it difficult to force myself out of bed, but I did. I still didnt manage to walk my poor dogs but I did do some housework before going to work (only work part time at mo). I have also written a very simple daily activity planner that I'm going to try to stick to. I tend to feel much better when I start doing something (albeit not too much) - the only problem is finding the energy/ motivation to get myself moving!
Hope you are doing well today x

Hi Milly, how's today been? I find getting out of bed in the morning one of the hardest things! Doing the school run is probably a saviour. Daily activity planner sounds good - have you been doing behavour activation stuff too? Hope you managed to find some energy. I struggled to get up but I go to college on Thursday for a painting course and once I got there it was good. Better than it has been for a while actually, so am wondering if ADs are finally kicking in. Anyhow hope your days been ok. Take care.

Hi, today was up and down tbh. Not quite as hard getting up today as yesterday, but got no housework done - just sat in my pyjamas all morning. Anyway my husband had an interrview yesterday for a great job promotion and today he found that he got the job, which is great! I'm really pleased for him, but it makes me feel like more of a failure in comparison (which i know sounds horrid)... He's already doing so well - he is a GP and a partner at the surgery (only aged 32)... After leaving uni I have literally done NOTHING with my life! Don't have anything - no kids, no career, no amazing talent, nothing I even do fairly well... In my mid 30s and whilst I have a lovely life in many ways - nice house, money in the bank, 2 gorgeous dogs and a lovely husband - it is nothing to do with me, it's all HIS achievements, and I just collect the rewards from his hard work like a parasite! I was actually driving to work today and thinking how worthless I am, and briefly considered turning the wheel and driving straight into a brick wall! Not good - just wish i wasn't so crap!
Hope you have had a good day - sorry to go on! Your painting course sounds fun! What is behaviour activation?

Hi Milly, sorry to hear you've been feeling low and not good compared to your husband. I completely understand that feeling - am not in paid work at the mo, whilst DP has been v successful at work recently. Do you have any hobbies or interests? I started a painting course in Sept last year and it has been brilliant. I always liked art at school but never had the time/set-up to actually do it. Now I have one day a week at college and am improving. Behavioural activation is a CBT technique where you track your activities and rate your enjoyment, success. Supposed to be good at helping you identify what you enjoy and also with the motivation that depression saps. Action before motivation was my DPs mantra for a while - do stuff even if you don't feel like it, and you will feel better for having done something if that makes sense. Crashing thoughts aren't great though and something to watch... do you have a GP appointment scheduled to review how you're doing? Take care x

Thanks for your replies. I currently keep an activity log exactly like you described, but just wasn't called behavioural activation. I don't have any hobbies - I am useless at evything I try and don't even seem to enjoy much, except reading (which is hard at mo cos I don't have the concentration).
I haven't made a doctors appointment yet but i am definately planning on going in the next week. My GP is lovely but I do feel a bit awkward cos all the GPs in the area know my husband through work. I know they can't break confidentiality but I feel ashamed and bad for my husband cos they will look at me and think what a pathetic wife he has. I just wish I was less of a leech - when i feel low like this, everything i say and do is like looking at my mum.