Can't face the future

[limedrizzle]

That's just it, really. I've been anxious / easily upset for as long as I can remember. For the past 3 years, I've been on anti-depressants (citalopram, then sertraline). I usually trot along OK, but will occasionally have really bad blips of about 4 weeks, where I can't eat, can't sleep, smoke all the time. On Friday, I started worrying about my parents getting older and them not being around (they're both only in their 50s), and just not knowing how I would cope. I worry about what I'd do if anything happened to DH. I worry about me getting cancer and dying (I smoke, maybe 6-8 cigs a day, and can't stop. My anxiety has always got out of control when I've tried). I'm doing a doctorate, which finishes in Oct, and I'm unlikely to find an academic post when I finish, as they're so thin on the ground. I worry about who I'll be when I don't have a job / office to go to in the mornings anymore.

I keep portioning my life into chunks I need to get through, eg. get through your wedding and honeymoon without cracking up, get through the doctorate, get through pregnancy (we want to try for DCs next year) without cracking up or smoking (which I'm dreading). And then I wonder what's next - just wish my life away until it's over? I feel so sorry for DH being lumbered with me - he is the kindest person, and it makes me feel so guilty. I wish I could control these feelings. Has anyone else felt like this? I thought, when I was younger (I'm 28 now), that I'd get better one day. Now I don't think I will. Thanks for reading.

whoa. Hold your horses! You made me start to get anxious just reading that!

First of all [and at this point I should say I have never smoked so dont really know much about it], that I wouldn't try to give up smoking at this point.
That is a hard thing to do, and I dont think that this is the right moment in time to try and do that.

Second and third of all.
Do you have any problems today, and I mean literally today. [apart from the anxiety feelings].

Thank you for replying, amillionyears and I'm so sorry if my post made you anxious. Tbh, no - I don't have any major problems today, but I'm still so anxious and sad. I don't know what to do. I think the nights getting lighter has set me off, because the last major crack up I had was last summer. I just feel crazy.

Dont worry about me getting anxious. My own anxiousness only lasted for about 2 minutes after reading your post.

Your problem yesterday, and today is actually the anxiousness. [Dont know if your sadness is purely because of the anxiousness].

I think you need to go and see your GP again.
I personally dont know the ADs, so cant help you with that particular bit.
But, from reading threads on the MH boards, there are different ADs, and sometimes ADs can stop being so effective? Or maybe your doseage needs to be temporarily increased?

Thanks amillionyears - I really appreciate just talking to someone about this. My dosage has been increased 4 times and I'm just so tired. I used to feel a bit more optimistic when they increased the dose, as I thought it would help. It always does, for a bit, then I slump again. I feel so ungrateful - lovely DH, no huge financial issues, great family. I have no real reason to be sad. But it's just like something's not wired right in my brain and I'm so bloody exhausted fighting it.

I've been where you are -on ads for 6 six and now off all meds. Keep changing the ad's until you find the right one for you! Some make some people tired but there are loads to try! Also look at cbt - your gp should be able to refer you. This really helped my anxiety-it has not completely gone but I understand that's who I am and have found ways to manage it. Good luck on your journey xxx

Have you tried eating a couple more portions of cabbage or brocolli a week?
It works for some people.

Thank you fraggle - It's brilliant to hear you well you're doing. How long did you have CBT for? I've had CBT and guided self help in the past but on both occasions they wanted me to stop smoking, and I had major crack ups. I just couldn't function without it. I'm on the waiting list for CBT again, this time with a clinical psych. I just feel so sorry for DH. He had major MH issues in his 20s, but has mostly got over them now. He's ten years older than me (I'm in my 20s) and I feel he's having to go through it all again. He's had a tough life, and he shouldn't have to go through this. I feel like such a massive failure and I don't know how I'll cope whem my next really bad episode comes around. It's worn down my hope and my strength so much. I just can't see a positive end in sight.

dear limedrizzle, i hope you may be feeling better and your frineds and family understanding and sympathetic.