PND/No emotions for my DS

[xmasevebundle]

Im 19 and my DS is 11 weeks, me and his dad split before i had him. He has never seen him/contacted me.

I have really bad PND, im on Anti-d, flouxtene(sorry if thats spelles wrong ). I live with my parents, who help me alot.

I do the night feeds, go to sleep for a few hours in the morning while my mum takes over then i do.

I feed/change/burp him just struggling to bond. I talk to him alot and he smiles when he sees me, i do love him though.

He has bad reflux(ive got aptamil anti-reflux) which has improved him so much. He screams quite alot as hes teething and when he crys i dont like it(i feel helpless)

I told my parents about sexual abuse when i was younger which took me until i was 8months pregnant(happened when i was 6-13), currently waiting for conselling for that(8th april)

My life is a complete mess, I hardly go out as i have no friends. I met up with a friend yesterday and we had a huge chat etc. Im starting a mums group on friday.

I have series issues with people touching/looking at my baby due to when i was younger and i dont let him out my sight unless hes with my mum and dad.

Before i didnt even go out with him alone as im petrified that someone will come and take my baby/assault it.

The clinic is 1 min walk away and i dont go there as i feel VERY uneasy in grous when im alone with him.

I needed to get this all out, sorry for the long post.

I think certain things will improve.
Your DS is only 11 weeks, and we are all anxious about certain things with newborns. I too stayed in a lot at the beginning.
It is great that you are starting at a mums group on friday. Everything with a baby is new, and you will meet other new mums there in the same boat.

I think some of your issues will resolve themselves in time.

I think, and I might be wrong, that the issue about not wanting others to touch him is a bit more serious.
Again, with a newborn, it is normal and necessary to protect them. But I think you realise that you are going a bit far with it.
Perhaps it could be done gradually? Like walk along the street, but the person who is with you starts walking further behind you?
Or you mum or whoever goes to the clinic but starts waiting outside? That sort of thing?

You do have emotions for your DS.
You said you love him!

I do walk to the shop but always tell my mum when im going text her when i get to the shop. I went out today because he was screaming and i couldnt cope.

I dont want people to touch him that i dont know, people go ahhh hes cute and touches his face which i despise.

I hope it gets better in time, i dont really do anything during the day expect play with him and walk around the house feeling sorry for myself!

You are helping him a lot.
You are loving him.
You care about him.

The weather will improve,so you will get out more with him.

What are your old friends doing?

It is a shame that your counselling is not till 8 April.
Am thinking whether it may be a good idea to start a thread in chat about how you feel about not wanting people to touch/look at your baby.

I just wanted to reassure you that not everyone feels an instant, huge rush of love for their baby. I think a lot of women feel bad about it or don't talk about it because we believe it is supposed to happen. I took 7 months to fall in love with my twins. Before that I was too busy struggling to stop and feel anything. You have a lot on your plate right now. I'm sure that if you keep caring for your child, once you have a handle on your problems the love will come.