Could someone just listen to me waffle on a bit?

[Fatherfluffybottom]

Testing name change

Hello, I don't know where to start really. I'm a regular lurker, occasional poster but have namechanged for this as I couldn't bear this to get back to anyone in real life.

I had very bad PND after the birth of dc2 4+ years ago. I was suicidal at times and in a great deal of distress even when I wasn't. It's still only dawning on me bit by bit how ill I was. I had anti-ds and saw a psychiatrist, counsellor etc. Have been off the tablets for a year and a half so I'm better you would think. I am seeing a therapist privately though.

The trouble is that when anything bad happens and it can be very, very small in the scheme of things, I'm back to suicidal ideation, planning and thinking how nice it would be just to disappear. That's not normal is it? It's like it is now my default setting.

I don't know what to do about it. It usually lasts from a few hours to a couple of days, depending on how hard I work on talking sense to myself. I don't want to go back on anti-ds as I had a lot of side effects and means I'm back where I was at the start. Between times, I'm relatively normal, but it's always a bit of an exercise of will. Any thoughts? Anyone also had this?

What does your therapist say about this?

Yes. Not pnd, but depression in my teens and a suicide attempt, and low level/intermittent depression since then. It's like my brain thinks it would be the 'easy' solution . Maybe try some kind of cbt to identify and deal with the thoughts before they take hold? That's assuming you're not heading down the depression path again, and you don't need some more direct intervention?

She knows there's stuff underlying it all, I guess. I'm very angry and bitter with my parents over their actions when I was ill and also now I'm better. My sister is the favourite and we get treated differently, when it comes to how much help we're given. I can't even confront it, as I don't think they fully know they're doing it and it would upset my mum and my dad would be angry with me for upsetting her, so I'm a bit stuck.

Thanks brain. Yes, that's it, like it would be an easy escape from everything. But it isn't, is it? I get so upset thinking about it, and then scared in case I get too close to an attempt and too far down that road. I'm aware I'm withdrawing from people to avoid feeling hurt and it helps in some ways but then I'm even more isolated, and the people I'm withdrawing from don't even seem to notice. I kind of want people to ask me what is wrong so I can tell them but then I don't want to upset anyone either.

CBT might be good. I know the principles and try and pull myself up, but it's hard isn't it?

It sounds like you are depressed my love, not just your brain repeating old patterns. Withdrawing is a classic warning sign, and leads to more social isolation = more withdrawal = more isolation etc etc, and the spiral just goes down. I know people should notice, but unless they've had depression they just won't spot the signs. I had to hit dh over the head last year (metaphorically!) before he realised I was going through a spell!

Can you talk to your partner as well? Get some extra rest, get outside (natural daylight helps), eat well, don't drink alcohol etc. But more than anything I think you need to spell out how you are feeling to your therapist, and discuss if you need to go back on the meds to help you over this bump.

I came on to start a new thread, but wanted to answer you. I had a similar back story to you. The meds definitely help to get you to a place where the therapy can make a difference. That was my experience anyway.

I think perhaps you need to be brave and go back to the GP and maybe talk about more meds - maybe a different type if you had bad side effects last time. Or maybe you just need a lower level. A flip reaction to suicidal thoughts isn't normal and you need to take care. If you really want to avoid any more meds you should discuss this with your therapist. You said "it will mean I'm back where I was at the start" and that really isn't true. It sounds like you have come a long way. Recognising the signs is good (why I'm back!), it's long journey and you will have ups and downs.

My DD is now 8, I was taking meds between when she was 6 months and about 3 and a half on and off. I tried some CBT at the time, but it didn't have a huge impact. I felt I was dropping again and saw a therapist for 15 months. I finished that a year and a half ago, and generally have been doing well since then.

You can change your 'default' setting, but you're right, it can be hard work and sometimes you need extra help (meds). I'm a bit like you - in that I try and evaluate "talking sense to myself" but actually the therapy taught me that it would probably be better to try and go with feelings and understand where the feelings are from rather than trying to solve it through 'logic'. ie. it's not always possible or desirable to talk sense to yourself. I've explained that really badly - I don't mean give in to the bad thoughts, but try to recognise where the emotion is coming from.

Thank you very much for your answers brain and better.

I thought hard yesterday and it was interesting to think and realise that I might actually be still depressed rather than just being useless and melodramatic (not that I ever tell anyone, so it's not to get attention iyswim).

But today I feel a lot brighter and I think it's down to sleep. My DD still wakes up very early and won't amuse herself so my sleep is often cut short. Even an extra half an hour makes a huge difference to me. My DH got up with her today so I could sleep til 7.15!

We're meant to take it in turns but DH very unfortunately has a drink problem and is often up til the early hours so I often take his turn because otherwise he would be going to work on 2-3hours sleep. It's very longstanding and difficult. I worry about his health a lot and my sleep is disturbed when he isn't next to me because I'm worrying about how late he will be. He's a lovely man and this is the only problem in our relationship. He goes through patches of giving up but it never lasts for long. He didn't drink last night so could get up with DD.

Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself as I feel I've got a lot of stuff to deal with. My DD's behaviour can be difficult at times, there's the stuff going on my parents and there's DH's drinking. Although my life looks very nice from the outside. I'm a SAHM of two school-aged DCs and we have enough money for me not to work, although sometimes I wish I had a career and a life of my own but I probably wouldn't cope with it and anyway everything at home would still need doing. I struggle to keep up with the housework, it's very cluttered and very much in need of maintenance and decoration. I'm ashamed of it and avoid having people round. I don't have the energy or motivation to sort it out even though I hate it.

It's nice to put this down somewhere. Thank you for listening. It would be great to hear your thoughts x

Also thank you for recommending the book, 'the ghost in the house'. It sounds very good and is on it's way to me.

Yes yes to sleep. Makes a huge difference to how I feel.

But it sounds like you've got so much else going on as well. Does your dh realise how his drinking is affecting your mental health? I've often read that depression is suppressed anger. It sounds like you have a lot to be angry about, the key people in your life are not supporting you as they should . You shouldn't feel you need to keep quiet or apologise for that.

What makes you think that you couldn't have your own job? I bet you are a lot better an potential employee than you think, people with depression are often very conscientious and realistic about how to do a job well.

And no-one cares about the state of your house! (Provided it is at least sanitary). Well, no-one you would actually want to invite in anyway .

it does sound like you have such a lot going on in your life. are you able to express your feelings when you feel anxious? or do you bottle them up? I'm just wondering if the suicide ideation is a way of expressing the loss of control over your feelings at that moment, as well as giving you a path away from them.