My head won't stop going round and round in circles. I'm surrounded by people but feel so incredibly alone. I don't enjoy life at all, don't enjoy being a mum, i have issues regarding my childhood that just wont leave me alone, zero confidence, crap marriage etc. I just want to be left alone, i cannot cope with the noise. I feel completely and utterly trapped by circumstance and my head and stupid, useless body.
I have a chronic illness that is gradually becoming more debilitating, i'm struggling more and more to keep up with the basics of raising a family and running a home. DH has never really been supportive or even interested tbh but i'm stuck because i couldn't support myself and 3 kids without him. I wish we'd stuck at 2 dcs, i hate myself for even thinking it but i never, ever imagined how hard it was going to be with 3. Surely by no.3 i should be coping and know what i'm doing but i feel like i've gone backwards. Having DD2 has challenged me beyond anything i could imagine, physically and mentally. She had severe reflux as a baby, still has it but it's not as bad now. She is an incredibly difficult child behaviour-wise but i fear that she senses how i feel and reacts accordingly. I have anxiety over DS and his health problems which cripples me with fear some days, he is the one and only light in my life and the reason i keep going. I have endured almost 3 years of worry, hospital stays, a difficult baby, my own illness and mental health and have done 95% of it alone. I'm so, so tired. Beyond exhausted.
I was put on 40mg of Citalopram when DD2 was younger (she is almost 2) which was then halved to 20mg because i felt so zombified but i dont feel it's helping anymore. I just want to be normal and to cope with life. Everything is just so hard work, a relentless grind. I have no one to talk to about things, hubby isn't interested, my mum twists things about my childhood around to suit her ideal, she has suffered mental and emotionally abuse by my dad for 30yrs but wont hear a word against him and wont acknowledge how he treated us and how it has gone on to severely affect my adult life, relationships, friendships and the way i parent my own children.
I need help but i have no idea what to say to the GP, i fear not being taken seriously or being seen as a hypochondriac becauses of all my health issues and now my mental health issues.