Been putting this off for years. But this last year has been the worst for depression. I was up and down during my pregnancy so blamed it on that. Then had a few good weeks after the birth so fooled myself into thinking it was over. Then it came back worse than ever.
Constant thoughts about death, not so much my death but the death of those around me. Lack of motivation, feeling numb. Hating life and seeing no way out. Each day just another thing to get through. I hate going to sleep because I know I have to wake up and start again. Some nights I sleep ok but others I cant sleep at all. I am always exhausted. Simple things just become too much.
Started to get anxious too. I speak to my mum occasionally but apart from that I see no one from one week to the next. I stay in the house all the time. If I have an appointment I put off leaving the house until the last minute. I used to kid myself that it was procrastination but its not. I just dont want to speak to anyone. I am a mess. I have no motivation to look after myself.
This week hasnt been too bad so now I am sitting here talking myself out of it again. Is it really that bad? Am I really depressed or just lazy? But when will it stop?
What do I say? What will they say? What will they give me if anything? Im anxious. I hate the doctors. Do I sound depressed or just lazy and fucked up?