GP tomorrow re PTSD and ongoing health problems - head all scrambled! (long waffle I think)

[Mixeduphippychick]

First post here but lurked for a wee while trying to pluck up the courage just to come on. I think I need a hand hold as my head is all muddled and I am not sure what I want from my GP tomorrow. And thinking about it all is making me feel sick and anxious and jumpy and like all my thoughts are just mashed up into one messy ball of incoherent goo in my head. Have avoided posting before this as I have decided that my problems are just a little bit silly and when I read everyone else's story I just think I sound like a very pathetic whinging loser and I should shut up and get back in my hole, but actually they are very real so here goes....

disclaimer..... I'm not sure what I want but I just feel so lonely and am sick of burdening my lovely husband and mum with all my woes.

Last tuesday I went to see the practice mental health nurse after a useful (for a change) appointment with my GP. I finally got a diagnosis for PTSD, and have been referred to the counselling team. Unfortunately it is a 6 month wait for high intensity CBT (one to one with a focus on trauma and grief I think), which just feels like a prison sentence to me. This has been going on for just over 3 years now and is not just one traumatic episode but about 4 of them. I am not sure I can go for 6 more months as it has come to a head just before Xmas and I'm exhausted just trying to keep it together so I can enjoy my lovely DD (18 months) and our family life. I have been offered some counselling but on the phone (oh anxiety anxiety) and have to wait a month for that. I am toying with ADs (sertraline?) but have reservations. I am still bf (my only success with child rearing) and do not want to stop. I have been on ADs before and the initial side effects are what scared me. Am scared to go on them again and be responsible for a wee person. Also I had very vivid/nightmarish dreams on them and that is just what I need to get away from with my PTSD, as well as disturbed sleep. I need sleep. I also would like to avoid weight gain as am trying to lose weight (healthily and with exercise), so I am trying to weigh up the pros and cons of this and my family though supportive are a bit 'yeah whatever you think helps' without actually discussing any coping strategies if we need it.

So now I am sitting here feeling all stressed and unable to sleep due to a docs appointment tomorrow.

Thats my quandry re the docs. Not sure how to order my thoughts so I can get the best help really. Also going for stomach pains and acid reflux which will not settle down and results of h.pylori test and more blood tests (raised platelet count). These health problems are the result of my difficult HG pregnancy, as is the PTSD. I just want to feel physically better as feeling poorly so often just triggers memories/flashbacks of the pregnancy.

So as not to dripfeed I had a previous pg at the beginning of 2010. I had HG but it went undiagnosed and untreated by my GPs that I ended up having a termination. That was 3 years ago this weekend just gone and this is the first year that I have actually been able to let myself grieve for my baby. I really wanted that baby, but was so terrified of dying (but ironically I was going to kill myself if I had to be pregnant any longer) that I feel I had no other choice. I was made to wait nearly 4 weeks for the termination by which time they made me have the pill and I was in hospital 3 days and very ill. I am still haunted by that experience and am so angry that no one helped me, but ultimately I blame myself. I have never felt like I had the right to grieve. Problem is I have no positive memories I can attach to that little baby. No scan photos, nothing so I do not know how to deal with finding a peaceful way of laying it all to rest. I just need somewhere I can grieve the loss of that little one but have nowhere to share that as any forums dealing with the loss of a baby seem to be dealing with mcs etc. I just feel I do not belong there.

On top of that my 2nd pg was HG (but diagnosed) and at exactly the same time of year as the first one. So now I get confused in my flashbacks and nightmares. But I did manage to keep that baby and she is here now and so special and amazing. I just want her to have a mummy who is able to be there for her and share in her life and love. I know I have so much to live for and I know I will get through this but it hurts like nothing else on earth. I am sick of feeling like a failure. I am sick of being haunted by my past and am sick of being a drain on all the wonderful people in my life. I just want to get back in touch with me. I want the intense pain to stop. I want to stop being so very frightened and I want to move forward. I want the mess in my head to fuck off and the deep pain and hurt in my heart to ease.

Sorry for the essay, wanted to get it off my chest but not sure it has helped yet. Its made me cry and I'm sick of bloody crying. Gonna go and curl up with my very lovely cat and try to feel safe and cosy now. Cheers for reading if you got this far

I found a termination very traumatic. My therapist made me right a letter to the baby saying all the things I wanted to say. Then I named my baby and choose a way to remember her I picked naming a star but you could plant a tree or something.

My pyschologist said its important to grieve. I took the tablet too and started hemmorraging but I was so guilt stricken and full of regret I hid it and self harmed (I was 15) by the time I was found I was nearly dead. I had blood pressure with a top figure of 50 and had lost 3 stone was dangerouls underweight and ended in hospital a month.

There are also post abortion support groups in rl I know my locol church runs one if you search on the internet you might find a group run near you.HTH

Write not right.

Thanks for the reply Crawling. I think writing the letter is a very good idea. Nt sure why I did not think of it earlier! My baby already has a name and I always think of her as a star too.

The only post abortion help I can find here is church based and I do not subscribe to their views. I understand their views and their kindness but I felt very nervous. Other help in my area does not exist. I am waiting for bereavement counselling as well. Its just waiting for counselling is so soul destroying especially when you've plucked up the courage to ask.

Your story sounds very traumatic indeed and I hope you have managed to find some peace. I'm just angry that any choices over how I got to deal with my pregnancy and subsequent termination were so limited. And handled quite badly with a lot of judgement from both my GP and the consultant. I also need to make sense of what actually happened as I blocked a lot of it out.

Cheers for reading

You will get support from SANDS (Stillborn and neonatal death charity) You can google it and get all the info. They were extremely helpful for my friend whose baby was stillborn at term.

Good idea if your head is scrambled is to make a list (bullet points) so as to make your condition more clear for the GP. Posters on the MH thread who have been diagnosed with PTSD talk very hghly of EMDR (something to do with eye movements ) you can google it and find out more about it. They say that it doesn't involve talking all about the past but is nonetheless very successful in treating PTSD, so you could ask your GP if that is available, or could you pay to go private - I don't think you have to keep on going - pretty sure it's just one or two sessions.

You sound like you may have depression as you mention crying a lot. This is one of the symptoms of depression and anxiety.

What is HG btw - hope you get the help and support you need. You must remember that there will be brighter times ahead. I know what you mean aboutyour family not really being interested - same here. I think people just don't understand mental illness and I think it's one of those things that you have to experience at first hand to understand the torment of mental illness.

Thanks Nananina. Got back and my GP was really lovely. He doesn't really think I am depressed, and neither do I. Well only a little. Compared to previous depression this is nothing. I am fine most days and then after a flashback/nightmare, can find it difficult to cheer up and do feel depressed for a few days. Unlike previous bouts of depression I always know that I will be ok so that is def positive. Its just waiting for the counselling that is so hard. And yep definitely interested in the EMDR but it is not available to me and at the moment we cannot afford to pay (though I gladly would).

So am waiting for the counselling and starting sertraline, but having the fear with ADs. GP wants to start on a low dose and gradually build it up (but only to 50mg) and monitor me closely so I don't feel so whacked by side effects or so freaked out by it all.

I should have been a bit clearer about HG. Its hyperemesis gravidarum. I had 2 nasty hg pregnancies and they have left me suffering with stomach problems, physical deconditioning and PTSD/grief. I am hoping to come through this and start supporting other sufferers when I am feeling strong and less wibbly!

I have looked at SANDS but have felt that it is for people who have lost their baby rather than terminated really but maybe I should give it a go. So feeling relieved that I made the appointment and finally feel supported by the docs. And it is nice to find somewhere to chat with folks too. Everyone here seems so lovely. My family are actually very supportive but I am sick of always burdening them and my husband is always in rude health so he just doesn't get it!