How do I know if I should admit myself?

[50shadesofvomit]

I'm doing really badly at the moment.

I was going to kill myself on Monday night because I was convinced that Citalopram was making me suicidal. I didn't do it as I'm a lone parent and I didn't want my children to find my body.

On Tuesday I went to A&E and told them that Citalopram was making me suicidal but I knew that I couldn't just stop taking it and I needed them to tell me how to wean me off it as I didn't want to go through withdrawl. The psychiatrist told me that Citalopram doesn't make people suicidal and to not stop taking it. She referred me to the Crisis Team who call me daily. They are still assessing me so no further referrals have been made. The psychiatrist at A&E and the Crisis Team have told me that I can go into hospital if I want. My gut reaction is no but how do I know if I should? I need to get better as my children depend on me but I feel really wobbly.

Do you feel you can get better with the daily phone calls from the CT, or do you think you need more support? Would you be going in to try different meds? (sometimes they can increase them quicker in hospital).

I can't imagine getting better right now but I have to for my children's sakes.

I have only been on the Citalopram for 2 weeks and the psychiatrist said that I should keep on taking it for a few more weeks. The GP chose it as I'm more anxious than depressed and it's better for self harmers but on Monday I got myself worked up to the point that I thought it was making me suicidal so I should just do it.

The nurse who calls me if very understanding of my ramblings and comes to see me sometimes. I like that arrangement for now but I'm not sure if its going to make me better long term. It comforts me that I can call her and that she listens but I think the feeling is short term so not sure how that contributes to long term recovery and even if that it possible.

Perhaps you could discuss it through with the nurse who's giving you support? They should be able to discuss what the aims/objectives would be about your individual situation and hospitalisation vs treatment in the community.

I'm quite anti hospital, so not the person to give you advice.

My gut reaction is that I shouldn't as my children are my reason for not killing myself and not seeing them will make me feel much worse. However, the CT, GP and A&E psychiatrist have all mentioned it as an option if I want but I don't know if there is any benefit to going.

She was going to see me tomorrow but I've had to postpone it until Saturday as it's an INSET day tomorrow and I don't want the kids to hear me talk to her.

If you have worked out a plan of how and when then you should go to A&E for help but if you just feel like killing yourself and feel really bad and desperate then work with your gp, crisis team and who ever else you can turn to to gain support to manage your condition at home.

You are still very early into your citalopram treatment and will probably feel a lot different when the drug takes full effect in another few weeks, it may well be that you need an increased dose.
Despite the press anti-depressents DO NOT MAKE people suicidal however they may elevate your mood enough so that you are more motivated to act on an impulse but that impulse comes from YOU and you ultimately have control.
Anyone with severe enough depression and anxiety at some point feels like ending it all, as life with this illness is at times so difficult it feels unbearable. Please rest assured that no matter how bad you feel you will not feel like this for ever and recovery is not only possible but likely. At worst you may suffer relapses you may need longterm medication but you will feel normal again I promise.
You need a plan of how to cope with this bad time and begin by taking it a day at a time.
Hope you feel better soon.
xxx

I think my thoughts that Citalopram is making me suicidal is extreme anxiety rather than any press. I was surprised when the psychiatrist told me that it was me rather than the pills but it's so hard waiting for them to kick in.

The CT are seeing me on Saturday as tomorrow is unfortunately an INSET day and I have the kids at home. They are going to work out specifics with me and have warned me that there is a 4 week waiting list for most services.

I am usually a glass half full person and I long to return to that. My life is actually really great on paper - it's just a fucking mess in my head and I'd love to sort that out.

I'm glad they're coming to see you and discuss in depth. Good luck for getting through til Saturday, and the meeting itself

Citalapram does often increase anxiety initially then improves. Your doing all the right things just try and keep with it.
Have a pj day tomorrow with the kids and be kind to yourself. If the wait for help is too long and you can afford it you could try online counselling www.counsellingservicesonline.co.uk is a site I have used in the past and it was reasonable in cost and helped a lot at the time.

Escitilopram made me suicidal. Horrendous, beyond anything I have ever know. It was in the second wek of taking it, and I wasn't at all suicidal before taking it (I was on it for anxiety). Switched to paroxetine, which gave me a bit of anxiety at first, but never looked back

The crisis team are great and will do everything they can to support you to stay at home, I think recovering at home is the best way to do it.

Psychiatric units can be noisy and scary.

That said they do give you some much needed respite. Just take it day by day, the bed is there if you need it. Take care of yourself.