Well, where do I begin? I think I just need to write things down, almost like a dress rehearsal for conversation tomorrow, as I am really not comfortable talking about feelings and am dreading it somewhat.
DS is 18 months old and although I love the bones of him I sometimes don't feel connected, almost numb towards him. I am still bf and sometimes I look down at this sweet little head and think, are you really mine? I keep wondering whether these feelings are as a result of his birth, emcs, lots of drugs and trauma, not at all what I had imagined. I remember my sister saying how beautiful he was when he was first born and I distinctly said, through my drugged up haze, I actually think he is quite ugly. I waited for the rush of love, the euphoria which family members told me I would feel upon holding my first born, and...nothing. I felt nothing. I must stress I don't and haven't always felt like this towards him, sometimes I feel a special connection with him and I do know I love him. But still, I can't pretend that I don't ever have 'numb' hours/days.
I feel guilty a lot of the time, and I even know that the guilt is irrational. For example, if we are on a long drive I will feel horrifically guilty for having him strapped into his seat, bored (although we always listen to his songs or I time long journyes around naps). I don't think DH helps with the guilt because he is very over protective and if DS has a bump in my care he gets very wound up (I must stress there have never been any serious injuries. Ever). I think myabe my guilt feeds off his anxiety though, iyswim.
I have very little in the way of support, DH works very long hours and has a long commute. I had one year off ml and then went back to my job p/t, which has actually been a blessing because it means I get a little time away from DS (and I do find this time away refreshing). I have no family nearby. The days I spend at home with DS are long. I have friends but most gone back to work f/t so we sometimes don't have much outside interaction, although I really try to arange playdates/trips out etc.
DS has awful sleep and I co-sleep out of necessity. This means there is no intimacy in my relationship with DH. We barely speak but seem to argue a lot these days. I think he feels the lack of sex. I don't. I have no sex drive at all (I used to...). We haven't had one night out/away from DS in 18 months.
We have recently talked about splitting up and me moving back to my mum's. He thinks I am hostile towards him and can't take it anymore. In truth I feel a distinct lack of support from him and I am bitter about it, although in truth I do recognise this is because of his work and circumstances, etc.
I feel like a terrible mother, really awful and will never have another because i feel I have fucked this one up so badly. In reality I recognise that DS is ok, it is more the feelings I have towards him, what goes on in my head, that prompts me to think I am awful at motherhood, rather than anything I do to DS (on paper it looks like I am a good mum, but no-one sees inside my head).
DH thinks I am suffering PND. I don't know. I think maybe I have a rational reason(s) for feeling fed-up and this does not amount to depression. I cry a lot.
If you have read this, thanks. I know it is v long but I just needed to order my thoughts before I see HV tomorrow and make a total tit out of myself.