I've been on the edge for the past few days. History of postnatal anxiety and a little bit of paranoia but I've never had treatment and both times it just kind of went away on its own.
I have two dc under five and they are relentless. I love them with all my heart but it never ends. The oldest nags and whines anddemands things non stop, all part of his age but it is breaking me. The youngest still sleeps in our bed and wakes several times a night and the eldest ends up in with us too most nights just so we am get some sleep. The mess they make us unbelievable. I spend my life washing and wiping things and the house is constantly a mess. I've just changed the beds and the youngest has wiped milk over it amd food over the curtains so now i have to take them off again amd wash. I did my hair and put sonething nice on this morning and have got stuff wiped down me so neednt have bothered. Eveeytging feels futile. I feel like they never eat well enough and they watch too much tv. I'm rubbish at this. i work part time in a demanding job I don't particularly like and they go to nursery/school/clubs and lessons. I manage to fet everyone where they need to be, clean, dressed and one time but im barely holdibg it togetger. my husband works seven days per week and we are doing work to our house which seems never ending. We never get to spend quality time together and when we do we are too tired to enjoy it properly and I am so lonely. We have family close by who are very supportive and babysit etc. I had my job, I don't know why I'm being like this all of a sudden.
All of this is pretty typical. I don't know why I can't cope. I never get enough sleep, I never get five minutes to myself, I no longer have much of a social life or time to make myself look nice amd our sex life has dwindled due to te children constantly being in bed woth us and the tiredness. I'm bored out of my mind, overwhelmed by the drudgery and the fact that the work and responsibility never ends. I feel numb, I don't feel like me and I'm not coping. I'm terrified the oldest can see it, he has just (out of character) thrown something quite nastily at his sistee and I'm worried he can see that I'm not right and it's affecting him.
I slap myself sometimes hard in the head and I pull my hair. The last few days I have snapped and shouted really loudly at the children. I'm worried the neighbours might hear me and think badly. I'm crying now, have just rung my husband who is at work and can't leave for a little while. I just need someone to talk to, the children are following me roud the house now and I don't want them to see me cry. I feel like getting into bed and staying there or running away. I have uniforms to wash and letters/childcare to organise for tomorrow and I just don't think I can do it. I can't stop crying.