I did my PGCE about 6 years ago. I really wanted to get on the course. At the beginning of the course a male friend shagged and left me which made me go on a major downer. I started to question if teaching was my thing. This meant that I wasn't able to shine at my course.I compared myself to my sister who ius a doctor.
Whilst on school placements I found that I was really bad at workplace politics. I found other young women particularly difficult; like they were competing or something. There was one woomen who reallly didn't like me and I felt that she was always picking holes in me; trouble is she was good friends with management so there wasn't anything I could really do. We shared a class and I think the kids felt loyal to her and that I was a wannabee which didn't help. She left me in the classroom alone with 3 violent girls (which she wasn't really allowed to do as I was only a trainee) and I got the wrap for it. I spelt one word wrong and she got really on her high horse about it and told management.
On my next placement I had similar problems with a woman. By this time I had had enough really and refused to do one piece of work for my university placement (crazy I know but there you go). As a result management clamped down and micromanaged the fuck out of me. I was getting 4 hours of sleep per night. I did pass and got a job off shore.
I didn't really want to live offshore as I wanted to stay in the same town as my (shitty) bf. However, I grew to love my new home and job. My colleagues were greata nd the social scene was fantastic. However, a month in I fell pregnant. I think I really wanted to. It was madness as the circumstances were bonkers; dds dad and i had only been together for 6 months. He wanted to abour but I kept her. I was hurt but happy because of dd. Management knew my circumstances and things were ok until I heard about some cyber bullying that some studenst had perptrated against me whereby some students said that they would kill by baby with a rugby ball among other insults. I went mental and fell out with management. The press published the story (not my idea) and i felt like the whole situation got out of hand. I had no idea what I wa sdoing really and wrote something inflammitary about managemnet on the TES website. Management found out and i got a ticking off. Needless to say I didn't pass. However, looking back I can't believe I created so much drama! I really don't think I can have been very well.
I don't seem to be able to handle other people well at work at all. I was badly bullied at school and it seems to happen in the workplace too. My mum was alos badly bullied at work and she had bipolar. I have been hospitalised for hypomania before. I have had one breakdown at university. All in all I don't feel 'normal'. I have lots of lovely friends but no partner which makes me sad.
I now work as a learning support assistant and i am hoping to go back and do my NQT yaer but I am scared of messing up again. So am I actually fit to be a teacher? Why am I finding the politics so hard? Why am I so shit with people. I have noticed I am better at rising above any shitty comments at work but I do feel on the bottom of the ladder as a TA, I have lost confidence. Am I a drama queen, ill, a victim or all three? Were my former employers right or was I treated like shit?