we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Oh dear.

I have written off today.

I feel so nauseous I haven't been able to take my meds (I can't take anything when I'm nauseous fir any reason. It makes me gag and I can't swallow it)

I have a thumping headache probably dehydration but can't take anything as it will make me gag.

I've been in bed all day. House is as I left it when I went to bed last night. Finished my book tho...guessed key elements of the plot right at the beginning and have been desperate to finish.

I'm going to try and get 40mins nap before DTDs get home.

Today truly has been a car crash day...sorry for whinging I'm just letting off steam. I still haven't read last night's posts...can't look at my screen for long.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Can you drink something ed? How long since you ate? Hunger headache, but with nausea could be migraine?

[NanaNina]

Sorry to digress but a quickie to SPC I have very similar memories of the dentists of old - I'm 69 so I have old baby boomers teeth too. Oh god those dentists - I can remember feeling that the needle they injected you with felt it was coming out the top of your head. Yes I too have horrid memories of gas - think you had to bite on some rubber thing and then the mask - oh god it was so scary. Today is so very different and I have a lovely dentist - I pay privately but it's worth it cus she is so good.

Sorry folks - the dental issue between me and SCP will now end!!

Ed I do wonder if sometimes you dash about doing this, that and the other, and I wonder if this sometimes causes you to crash the following day. Nausea is a horrible feeling, but yes I wondered about nausea and headache being migraine, which as you probably know is usually an intense pain over one eye. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Have just found out that my grandson has been diagnosed with depression - he is 24 and been withdrawn from his uni course as he couldn't keep up with the work, so he's back home and no hope of a job. His friends on FB are advising him to stop taking the meds (he's only been on them for 3 days!) so am going to talk to him tonight cus I think he will listen to me as he knows how I suffer with depression. I imagine it is quite mild depression - hope so anyway.

[ThatVikRinA22]

nana you talk teeth all you like honey! im sure no one minds! i also remember having 4 out with gas.....omg i was so ill afterwards. i think i puked on the dentists doormat.

talking of which - sorry ed that you are feeling ill. I think there are a lot of bugs doing the rounds - but please make sure you just sip drinks if you can - even just a bit of plain old water - dont get dehydrated. sip with a straw if its easier. I have a dicky tum today but im not sure if im imagining it after helping my pukey friend yesterday - having said that i feel very bloated and have stomach pain - also had to run to loo 3 times today so i feel on the verge of something nasty....if it stays as is thats fine - i cannot cope with nausea or worse....

I actually found Les Mis very uplifting - i was expecting a sad end but it was an uplifting end....sad yes, but a nice end - i did not know the story.(I think i shed a tear twice! but we were all sniffling so didnt feel too bad! and it was dark!) I enjoyed it and my lovely lovely friend (who is my mummy figure) fed me with homemade soup and kit kats! i love her so very much, she is such a sweetie. I had to have my cuddle as i left - it keeps me going until i see her again. It feels quite a cruel twist of fate that she has moved to my hometown which is where i long to be too, and every time i go i just miss her and home more and more. Today i drove past lots of landmarks from my childhood - the conker tree i used to get my conkers from and that sort of thing....i hanker to go home so much. I had sent for an application form for a job very near to where i used to live - good money but it would be murder to travel to....i cant see the point in applying as we have just remortgaged and i couldnt even move if i got the job for a few years.

i should be writing a list of my issues for occy health tomorrow - so far ive written in order of how much stress it causes me....

culture/bullying
stress / anxiety / feeling in danger
shifts / lack of anyone being home on nights for DD
home life/work balance
travel.

i cant think of anything to go back for. i should write pros and cons just for my self at some point - but i just find myself mentally ranting about the job.

Im not going back next week. Ive already primed my GP today that i will require a further sick note.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

vicar remember some of the times when your calm and special nature has made a difference to someone... it's important to know what you've gained from the job and want to keep, whatever you do next :) [hug]

[HellesBelles396]

Good Evening!

I'm sorry about your grandson Nina, is it situational or chronic? Why is there no chance of him finding work?

Ed I agree with others about taking it easy for a few days. Being ill will probably rev up (probably wrong choice of words) your depression as well so don't freak out if that happens (though I expect it every time and STILL freak out when it happens).

Vicar it's really clear that your not ready yet to go back - and may never be ready. FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing making a list. Are you planning on asking about redeployment to a 9-5 post on the off-chance they realise that you leaving would be a waste of your talents and all the training you've had?

Also, what could you do to get over your friend being a selfish cow who didn't want to pass her germs onto her family but was quite happy for you to run her about the place? Could you talk to the mirror, as though it were her, and say all the things you'd like to get off your chest? OR, has she been good enough to you in the past that you could just mentally run through all those things until you feel better? (that has worked for me quite a few times)

Mech your side effects sound horrendous, I haven't had nausea as a side effect with citalopram but is there anything that reduces it at all?

Not long home - it's been a busy day today with meetings at ds's school about his abysmal report and then a trip to the dental hospital to see if he can have braces yet. Still too many baby teeth. So I've driven about 100 miles today and been in a hurry for most of it!

Never mind, I should probably sort loads of stuff out but I'm going to bed as I've had tremors on and off today which has been quite tiring TBH. It felt like I was vibrating. The worst part was having to ask a colleague to put a letter in an envelope for me. While I'm very comfortable talking about having depression, I am definitely NOT comfortable needing help because of it from anyone but medics. Probably seems ridiculous!

When I'm mega-depressed (has happened 5 times), I normally fixate on a particular food so, when I have to eat, I'll always have the same thing - usually bread and honey.

DS nagging me to get off laptop and spend time with him (we've been together non-stop since 1.45) so good night.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

HB you might need occasional help because of the side effects of your medication - whether or not that's for a physical or mental condition.

Another thing: On a strong anti-psychotic in hospital long ago, the nurses noticed the side effects and I was prescribed something to counteract them. I'm wondering if there might be something similar for setraline (but know nothing)

[ThatVikRinA22]

isnt it odd that we all have the shakes? i wonder if its medication related or something else.....i cant hold a cup or a phone when i get bad.

silvery its so hard - because i do have an honestly held belief that i have made a difference to a lot of people - but i feel so stupid so often in front of my colleagues. im the one who sits and strokes the addicts hair while sitting them in the hospital because i know their back story and i feel sorry for them, or im the one who gives the elderly shoplifter a cuddle and a lift home and advice on seeing the GP after giving them a ticket because i realise it was a cry for help, im the one who lets the self harmer hug me after taking their blade and hiding it from them....i just feel like the worlds biggest idiot. i think thats what people (colleagues) think i am. i do not fit the culture. i think thats the thing that erodes my confidence in my own ability more than anything else - the way other people think of me. i know that left alone my way works. it does. but im more of a social worker than a police officer. i feel sorry for people who have had a hard time, i empathise too much. i cant be hard - it hasnt ever stopped me doing my job but when the situation calls for cockyness or confidence i dont have it.

i see this as a huge disadvantage and its just eroding my confidence. i feel like everyone is judging me all the time and i feel i cant say what i want to because im seen as soft. I stifle myself all the time in front of colleagues because what i want to do isnt what they would do. i still do my job - i just do it apologetically!! ....who wants an cop like that? really? i seem to get sent to the right jobs - i seem to land on the jobs where arm stroking is required....but when i need to look super confident i just dont have it in me. Our custody sgts are notoriously mean and they eat people like me alive. it makes me scared to arrest people - not because im scared of offenders but because im scared of the bloody custody staff....

its ridiculous and it makes me feel ridiculous. oh im waffling again.....im nervous about tomorrow.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I totally understand vicar, my post is really meant so you know what you can bring to your next job :) It does sound like the work situation you've been in is not right for you.

[ThatVikRinA22]

god i wish my self esteem was just better.

today dh said that his colleague had said she was really pleased to have met me and thought i was lovely. This was from Saturday night - i got on really well with his colleagues and met some lovely lovely new people that i would be keen to stay in touch with.

and i was suspicious - i just kept wondering what she was expecting? why do people think im going to be horrible? I thought he said it as if she was surprised that i was nice.....

she commented about how well i got on with the lady from the pub....

i am over thinking all this again....why wont my brain just stop and let me enjoy anything?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Cos you are not out of the woods depressionwise. Your brain is still naturally biased to see the downside of everything. This will pass.

[ThatVikRinA22]

thanks silvery

i wish i just knew that for certain. there is a tiny piece of me that thinks "no - i will buck the trend and i will just be me, and being me works so just because i do things differently doesnt mean im wrong".....i just feel belittled so often because i am silenced.

i went to a job last winter - paramedics called us. i got talking to the paramedic and he told me the backstory of the person we were called to. he said the police could get too heavy handed with this person....he told me the back story and i truly felt for this poor person. so i was very patient with them.

and i got taken the piss out of by other people. i am very tolerant. is that a bad thing?
part of me feels that i should be there - that im right for the job and that others are wrong.
part of me feels like a deluded idiot.
im not sure which i trust or if im both.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

You are right for the job - in an ideal world

But you don't have to prove that, all on your own, in the real world, at the cost of your mental health.

[ThatVikRinA22]

thats true silvery i dont have to prove anything. i need to truly do what is right for me.
part of me just doesnt want to give up while another part wants to run and have nothing more to do with any of it. ever.

im not ready to make this decision yet.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Just popping on because I can't not.

I always say goodnight and give a resume of my day...today's consisted of reading, sleeping and feeling very ill.

I hope you will understand why there are no personal comments

[bassetfeet]

Hi Vicar
Really good to know you are getting advice from police forums also . Only those in the job really understand for sure although we can empathise .
I have spoken in confidence and in a sort of abstract way with my son . absolutely safe . He so gets it .

You are a very valuable officer Vicar . It just seems sadly that you must do the front line stuff for a while before you can apply for the police work that is absolutely your forte . Just guessing here but it shines to me abused children ,vulnerable people . Get that two years under your belt and the higher brass will be begging for you . not my own words here by the way .
Sad that you have to undergo this hell frontline ..but I truly truly think that if Occ health pave some support for the next year and you can ride the storm and think yup I will do what I feel is best ......then you may find the job that will make a huge difference . The jobs are out there and good female officers are very important.
Everyone hates custody officers Vicar it seems . Not just you by any means my lovely . They are like us all doing their job I guess . A hard one . so hard .
You are not alone there by all I have learnt .

just see what occ health offer . speak your truth .

lots of hugs for all reading and suffering this damn illness .

[ThatVikRinA22]

basset thank you - in going to be honest with occy health. There's nothing else I can do.
Goodnighted and hope u feel better tomorrow. I'm off to bed now. Wish I could read in bed but dh is up at 1am so daren't disturb him. I'm going to try for a more positive day tomorrow - no navel gazing.
I'll be back after my appt. Night all x and thanks - waffling helps. I'll be better tomorrow - I'm focusing on work because I know my appt is looming .... I'll be ok after tomorrow. I hate feeling so negative x

[Shakinstevie]

Hi mechanical, this is a very supportive thread, I just joined this week and everyone has been great! I hope your side effects start to get better soon, I remember when I got started on citalopram in the early days I felt bloody awful.

vicar glad your turning a corner, sounds like your feeling a good bit stronger, and that you have had a good day. You have to do what's right for you and your family, but please don't feel you have to be different at work you sound absolutely lovely :)

nananina sorry to hear about your grandsons diagnosis, am sure he will listen to you.

ed sorry your not feeling well, hope the duvet day has helped and you feel a bit better tomorrow.

I have had a bit of a rubbish day, been feeling a bit down most of it, fell out with dh on the phone last night and I think he is huffing (he works away) he doesn't know how I am feeling just now as its not fair to tell him when he is so far away, we just had a silly argument and I hung up on him. Dd2 isn't very well either, she has an awful cough. I worry about dd1 she takes after me and worries about everything. And I feel so guilty as its me that's passed it on to her :(

[bassetfeet]

There is only one important point you must keep in your mind and let it be your guide. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us, not even the Buddha. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life??
― Dalai Lama XIV

love his wisdom ....not a religion thing for me ..just wanted to share .

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Hmmm....

I'm up...feeling better but not great and (surprise surprise) exhausted :(

I've managed my medication today and some breakfast (I never eat brealfast). I still have a dull headache so I will see how that pans out. I am going to try and have a day resting. Will need a Napa some point. I'm falling asleep now. Gonna try and do some small jobs.. starting with getting the washing out of machine...it's been there 2 days...

[HellesBelles396]

I'm sorry you had such a bad day yesterday Stevie, have you made it up with dh yet today?

getting yourself well will set a good example for dd1 and even the most awful coughs pass (no matter how much each little hacking cough makes your heart break).

how long until dh is back?

[ThatVikRinA22]

hi all
ed glad you feel a bit better today.

stevie - hope you managed to speak to your DH - maybe you should just tell him you feel a bit down and thats why you are snapping...when is he home? I relate to the worry gene - i think ive made mine worry because i cant but worry all the flaming time. DH worried about nothing and im so jealous sometimes.

basset thank you for that little gem of wisdom....wise words indeed. i need to ask myself that question.

hugs to nana and helles and anyone else ive forgotton by now as i cant scroll back....

Well. I went to Occupational health - i cant quite see what the benefit was other than to tick a box somewhere or other.....time was very limited, i told her all my issues around the job and problems, she said she wouldnt put that in the report, and i left. Review in 3 weeks. in meantime i have to think about what in an ideal world i would want to get me back to work. i told her i was trying hard not to do anything rash but that i just felt perhaps its not for me. She thinks i will be off until after my investigations etc.
Sgt phoned me today and says i will be on half pay soon. i feel trapped.

the house is a tip and there is mud everywhere - the garden is being completely revamped - fences up, turfed, new patio, new garage....but its a mud bath everywhere and its all getting dragged in so no matter what i do its a mess.

i did manage to hoover right through up and down stairs and wash floors, tidy bedrooms etc. so thats something - it was getting on my nerves.

right. off for some food, will be back later.

[HellesBelles396]

oh vicar, it is crap that so little time - and, it seems, interest - was given to you.

The half-pay deadline puts so much pressure on.

[mamakoula]

Vicar I have spent this morning mentally returning to your post to TSPC (21:43). All of the things you did for those people count for so much. I cannot remember exactly in relation to what (may have been parenting) but it was something along the lines of "When appear to I deserve it the least is when I need your love the most". You showed tremendous compassion to those people and acknowledged them. If I had a child, friend, relative, it would mean a lot to know that they were treated compassionately and with dignity.

Whatever your next is, I hope it is good for you. You care deeply.

My little journey through this has been a frequent reminder of how much a smile, acknowledgement or any little gesture can change the feeling of my day. You made life different for those people, even if for a short while.