Just started on Citalopram

[Nanabana]

Have read old threads about side affects and quite worrying, but will give it a go. Hope it kicks in soon

[ColouringInQueen]

Yes absolutely - you can make the curry another night. My family have had some seriously late meals recently cos sometimes my brain is on a go-slow at that time of day!
Random question, does anyone find that PMS makes their depression worse? I've been more irritable the last couple of days, and building during the day, and worst with DP so am wondering if that's part of it. Joys!

[Bunnygotwhacked]

We have been having days when they lived on chicken nuggets and chips though have felt like cooking a bit more recently am going to stick the beef in the slow cooker and then I get to take two pills woot quite looking forward to feeling numb for a bit

[citalobrain]

Hi everyone. Hope everyone is doing okay today.

Well my weekend away was dreadful. And I now feel flat, paranoid and incredibly anxious. This rollercoaster of emotions is a nightmare, but I'm thinking it's due to trying to put myself 'out there' a bit more.

I got paranoid with my best friend. When I get nervous I often speak without properly thinking things through, and I could tell her and her DP thought I was exaggerating stuff (really petty things). Trouble is I probably was as my memory is appalling and I panic and try to remember and then wonder if what I said was right, then doubt myself. So I was struggling with that all weekend. And once I had set the seed of thinking they didn't believe me, it all spiraled in my head and I imagined they thought I was unreliable and flaky :(

Worse still, the train journey home took hours and hours due to engineering works and I had to get 2 different buses on different parts of the route. The person outside the last bus said it was stopping at my station, but then the driver cut the engine and switched off the lights at a station miles from me. I had to get a minicab home from there. Luckily I had the cash to pay.

Since getting home I've been thinking about all the bad things I've done in my life and what a bad person I am and I just want to cry but I can't :(

Sorry for the awful post. And sorry for not namechecking everyone. I don't want to forget anyone x

[CremeEggThief]

Oh Citalo :(. Sounds awful. On the
positive side, read back and think about how well you coped with everything going wrong. Would you have managed so well a few weeks or months ago?

You are a good person. Think of all the support you have offered so many of us on here. Now rest up and be kind to yourself; you need time to recover from the trains fiasco! If I were you, I'd ask for compensation from your train company, maybe when you're feeling more yourself.

Take care .

[ColouringInQueen]

{{hugs}} Citalo Cremeegg is spot on. A weekend away is challenging at the moment but you did it. And you survived a stressful journey home. Well done. As for the rest of it - as you know deep down we are often not right when we guess what people are thinking of us but I completely understand about what you mean about being nervous talking to friends and feeling paranoid. A weekend away can be v stressful at the mo, so hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself.

Is there anything you can do today to distract yourself from your thoughts? Favourite tv programme, something nice to eat, good read?

Take care x

and hello everyone x

[citalobrain]

Cremeegg and ColouringIn thank you xx

I felt like I lost it this weekend :( I went up a dose on Tuesday last week so that probably contributed, but I felt like the thin veneer I'd built up all fell apart.

I feel better now, but start to really get anxious if I look at myself too closely. Am I just a big fake as I'm constantly putting on a front with other people to hide how I really feel? Am I essentially dishonest as I do make up excuses for things, frequently?

I don't know who I am any more. And if I am the person who I'm starting to worry I am, I wouldn't want to be my friend. I just feel very lost.

Sorry, what a pity post!

I have something I have to go to tonight, which I really can't get out of as they had to juggle things around to fit me in. It's a choir 'taster session' organised in a fit of positivity. I will go as they have made an effort on my behalf, but my first thought this morning was pretend you're ill and can't make it. So more dishonesty, almost without thinking twice about it. I'm also going with Mum so I can't bail on her either.

I'll be back tomorrow and will read through what I missed over the weekend. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have somewhere to post and get this all of my chest. Everyone on this thread is amazing xx

Hugs to you all, be back tomorrow

[MechanicalTheatre]

Bad day. Split with partner not going well (we were still talking til yesterday and I thought maybe we'd get back together) but today it just seems hopeless. Lying in bed, hiding from everyone, ear plugs in.

No appetite at all. Forced down some chips before. Everyone is going out tonight to celebrate end of term.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi MT was wondering how you're doing - so sad to hear not good. Splitting up with a long term partner is hard when you're well and just awful when you're not. Sending {{hugs}} and hoping you can find a way to be kind to yourself tonight - anything at all you can do to distract yourself, or if its simply sleeping that's OK too. Take care x
Citalo {{hugs}} you sound really low today. I completely get what you say about not knowing who you are and not feeling likeable. I have to keep telling myself that its the depression causing these thoughts and I will not always feel like this, but some nights - like tonight - it can feel like such a slog. Feel free to get stuff off your chest - like you I find these threads so helpful. Hope you get some sleep, take care x

[citalobrain]

Hello to everyone

Mechanical I'm really sorry to hear things are so tough for you at the moment. Life really can put us through the wringer can't it? Is there anyone who you can talk things through with? Keep posting here though as I'm sure it helps. Sending hugs and hoping you are feeling a wee bit better today x

ColouringIn how are you today? Thank you again to you and CremeEgg yesterday for your kind words, they really helped.

Very interesting what you said actually, as I had e-mailed my friend and apologised for being all over the place / bit mad etc. and I got a nonplussed e-mail back from her (lots of what?! from her). So you may be right that it was mostly in my head. What doesn't help is her very lovely DP is training to be a psychoanalyst and I always feel under scrutiny, even if he isn't scrutinising (although he would probably have a field day if he chose to!)

I'm feeling much better today. Any other night-sweaters out there, I feel your pain, it is awful :(

I managed to make it to this choir thing last night and actually enjoyed it My mum was bellowing away next to me completely out of tune and kept blaming it on me Not sure I can manage it financially as it costs a fair bit but I'm thinking it over.

Hello to everyone else who's reading. Hope you are all doing okay and keep posting if you need to x

I'll be back tomorrow :)

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi citalo at nonplussed friend. It's hard though knowing which thoughts to trust and which to just slap! I completely get what you're saying about having a psychoanalyst in the house - I'm not sure I'd have gone at all if that was the case for me! Really glad you're feeling a bit better today.

I've been OK today, had a very lazy start to the day (breakfast and mnetting in bed til 10.30) then got up and out for a walk in hazy sun, and met my dad for lunch, then all the usual school run stuff.

Had a really good chat with my dad, and he said something which I've been thinking and another good friend said to me on Monday re: my DH. DH is on Sertraline and has recovered v well from depression last summer/autumn with CBT too. To the degree that to me, my friend and my dad he is sooooo happy and chirpy and energetic it doesn't feel quite natural! I am not sure of my own judgement at the moment. But his ideas for career since his redundancy are pretty radical and risky and I do wonder if he really should come off the Sertraline in case they're affecting his mood in the opposite direction?! He's planning to be on it for another six months while he consolidates all the changes from his CBT etc. I find it rather stressful and I think has probably contributed to feeling a bit worse since Sun (he told me Fri night)... ho hum. He is going to test his ideas out etc so hopefully it will all come good, but more uncertainty, unpredictability etc is hard for me at the mo. So there we go, today's saga!

Hope everyone else's afternoons have been OK and you've had a bit of sunshine too. Take care x

[ColouringInQueen]

Ooh citalo forgot to say, re: your choir - I think singing is vvvvv helpful. Any chance your mum could buy you a big birthday pressie of more sessions? Just a thought x

[citalobrain]

Oo Colouring that's a tough one isn't it? Do you think his ideas/plans are at all viable, or too risky? I'd understand you being worried if they did seem risky, or if you thought he wasn't thinking 100% clearly.

Can you talk to him about your worries, about the ADs etc., or would that not go down well? I sympathise, it's not an easy situation. Is there a careers guidance service for adults?? Perhaps he could talk his ideas through with someone like that? Just musing really.

Really great he's done so well coming through his depression though, that's really good news.

Glad to hear you had a good day. I'm finding it a bit of a tightrope at the moment, but I'm certainly having more good days than I was before I first saw the doctor :)

I don't think my mum could help to be honest (re the choir), but you know I could probably stretch to it myself, it's a case of deciding what I want my priorities to be (giving up nicotine gum which I've been chewing for years ages would probably be enough to cover it!!!).

This choir though goes to all sorts of huge events, which would freak me out, and they do an awful lot of extra sessions and workshops outside the once a week time slot, so I don't think this one particular one would be for me. If I can find a smaller, less 'big event' one, that's happy just to meet once a week and have a sing, that would be ideal! I've started the ball rolling so I will get looking :)

Off to bed now as I'm completely knackered, ever hopeful for a sweat-free night!

Take care xxx Hope everyone else is doing okay too x

[ColouringInQueen]

Thanks Citalo in the end my wonderful dad who gets on with him v well, raised it (he was v brave!) and DH listened and after dad left we had a bit of a chat about it. He says he is going to test out his ideas over the next few months. I've said he needs to set a testing period and budget and then we will decide whether to continue or not. He says he doesn't think it is the ADs, more the CBT. He says he is a completely different person to how he was last year - and that's true. Another weird thing for me - a very different DH... So its out in the open which I guess is better. Does feel v weird tho!

Sounds like a v gd plan to find slightly smaller lower key choir (which would often be free of charge I think). I joined a choir in Nov and Dec for 2 town carol services and it was great - I always felt better after a good sing.

Fingers crossed you have a sweat-free night!
Take care x

[MechanicalTheatre]

Hi all, going to my parents for a bit, not ideal but I'm a bit stuck in the middle of nowhere here and everyone has gone home for the holidays.

Feeling ok about the split the last couple of days. At least there's no-one in my life letting me down any more and I'm trying to reach out to people.

[citalobrain]

Mechanical well done for reaching out to people even when it feels like the last thing you want to do, I know that scenario so well. I hope you have a lovely time back with your folks and get some much deserved and needed rest and TLC xx

Colouring that's great you and your dad managed to talk it through with your DH. I think as long as everything stays out in the open so you can all talk about it then there won't be any shocks or surprises, and you'll therefore be less anxious about it all. Any sort of career change is terrifying. I've been doing the same thing for 10 years and adore it, but when I was with my DP any time he changed jobs I used to get soooo worried, even when he had another job immediately lined up

The last few days have been so much better and I feel much more in control. I've made a few phone calls I've been putting off and generally getting stuff done so I'm feeling good as the weekend approaches :)

Wishing everyone reading and posting on this thread a happy Easter weekend and wishing you all a peaceful and happy time. I'll catch up with you all next week xxx

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi MT hope you are able to relax a bit at your parents. So pleased to hear you've been feeling OK about your split and its completely brilliant you're trying to reach out to people. Hope you have some good times over the Easter weekend. Take care x

[Allysunflower]

How's anyone else now since starting up on citalopram? I'm in a bad way, was on this drug before I can't remember feeling this awful tho? it's week one of 20 mg having previously took mirtazapine for 3 months then went back on this as side effects didn't get much better but now I'm awful again, terrible nausea to the point it's getting worse and worse, dr Wont give anything for and psychiatrist not got back to me but when I asked before he said there was nothing? My anxiety has got so much worse too, not sure if it's the anxiety itself or the fact that I'm feeling so sick all the time? I'm barley eating and can't function properly? Please help with any advice I'm so lonely:( x

[citalobrain]

Hi to everyone and to Allysunflower xx

You poor thing, you sound very stressed out, and sick.

I remember my first week on 20 mg of citalopram and I remember feeling nauseous and light headed. I had very little appetite and I definitely didn't feel all there.

I also know that my anxiety got worse at the beginning, before starting to improve. It was really comforting to hear the same happened to other people too. It will get better :)

All i can say is stick with it and hang on in there. The first week or two feels bad, but I promise things will improve.

If you're really struggling, could you perhaps phone your GP and talk about maybe starting at 10 mg and going up in stages? Although if you've been a week on 20 mg, you're almost through the worst bit so I'd be inclined to push on at the 20 mg dose.

This thread has flurries of activity but if you post I'm sure someone will be around at some point who's been where you are and can reassure you x

I'm now over 2 months on citalopram I think. I went progressively from 20, to 30 and now 40.

I can't tell you how much better I'm feeling :) I still have very anxious days, but the good days now far outweigh the bad ones. I'd never have believed it if someone had told me that a few months ago!

I'm off now but will come back tomorrow to see how you're doing, take care of yourself xxx

[Allysunflower]

Thank you so much I'd like that, thank you for your words too, it's worrying me feeling worse and it's been a week now on 20mg? but I'm hoping it's the case of feeling worse as it gets in my system and then levels, so hard tho, I'm struggling to eat be ayes of the nausea? Did you take anything for it? and the anxiety is much much worse, I'm taking it at night now as I use to before? But not made any difference yet? I feel so low still so worried about having to increase with feeling like this on this amount? Did you get bad again as you increased? Thank you again I'm in need of some help and support, I'm glad your doing well, tc xx

[Allysunflower]

I forgot to say I'm also taking diazeprams to try to help the anxiety? although I'm trying to manage them but was told it was ok while I was feeling so awful? x

[citalobrain]

Hi again Ally :)

I take mine in the evening (around 9 pm) and that seems to work for me, but I know others take them in the morning. If you change the time best to check with your GP about how best to do it.

What really helps is to remember that although it all feels like shit at the moment it really will get better. You have the bumpy settling in period and then things start to even out. It could take a few weeks (I think it took me 2 for the worst of the side effects to go) but you can get through it as long as you remember this is just the drug settling in.

Each time I've gone up in dose I've felt a little jittery and anxious, but not as much as starting for the first time.

My GP gave me propanolol (sp?) to take if I needed it for the physical anxiety symptoms, but I haven't taken any. If yours has prescribed diazepam I would take it as they suggest, if it helps? It's probably just for this first bit. I really don't know much about diazepam at all though!

If you can manage to eat something it will really help with the sick feeling. Even just some cereal, toast, biscuits, soup? Think of something you think you can stomach, it will help with the nausea to eat something.

Hang in there Ally, you're a week in and nearly through the worst bit :)

I better go now. Am out for the rest of the day (something I wouldn't even have considered a few months ago!) but keep posting if you need to and other people may be around in the day.

Take care xx

[Allysunflower]

I'm struggling so much with the nausea, I'm desperate but nothing seems to be able to be given to me? the anxiety is terrible too I'm now 8 days in to taking it 20mg and feel worse, having to take diazeprams more now, Im so low and can't stop crying:( please any advice I feel like I really can't go on anymore:( x

[MechanicalTheatre]

Ally, how you feeling? The nausea will pass, it was awful for me for the first while. Stick with it.

How's the rest of you?

I haven't been around much, I dunno. Half struggling and half fine - maybe I need a higher dose. The split with my bf has revealed how empty my life is. I need more. I dunno. More friends, more hobbies. I feel like I need to do things that terrify me.

[Allysunflower]

Hi you sound what I feel and think? I'm not good at all, the nausea is just as bad if not worse, I'm so anxious too, I was hoping that 11 days into this I'd be feeling a bit better but it's not happening and is worse? I'm having to take diazeprams a lot but I seem to have got use to them, not sure I can go on like this much more? I'm struggling to even eat a bit now? this sickness is horrific:( how were you when you started and what dose etc, hugs to you xx

[Allysunflower]

Hi all I'm so fed up:( I'm 12 days in and the nausea is not getting any better? I don't know what to think or do, I'm so low and the anxiety been really bad again so on the diazeprams not sure if I'm getting to use to them, do you think by now this nausea should be subsiding? I'm loosing weight and have no energy, can hardly eat anything as its such a horrible feeling:( I see gp Tuesday but I don't hold out much hope, although a locum dr I spoke to last week did mention about maybe a change to escitalopram? fewer side effects and is a ssri, but I see nausea is one of them? god knows how I'm going to be able to carry on like this? anyone any thoughts?
How are you in particular mechanical dreams? I did reply to you huni? got to take my tablets now:( just dread it all:( x