Hi everyone. I'm 27 and a "mum" of 2 children aged 8 and 4. Having read a similar thread about people who regret having their children and wanting their old lives back i feel i wanted to try and share my story and see if any of you may be able to help. Firstly i would like to say that my eldest has severe epilepsy and severe learning difficulties.. he looks just like a normal boy but behaves very, very differently unfortunately. It is his outbursts today which have made me register and come on here. I separated from the children's father over 2 years ago after nearly 9 years of physical and verbal abuse. Due to my eldest sons difficulties I had always found it too much to cope with on my own and took my ex back repeatedly despite knowing it was the wrong thing to do. However I've now been on my own with both the boys for some time and whilst i will never take their father back, i do really feel like i don't want to be doing this on my own.
Today things have got me to the point where i want to find a way out. DS has made today a living hell. He swears at everything. The slightest thing will make him swear at top volume to the point that he stayed with his dad rather than coming along to my nephews christening yesterday because if you even mention something he'll shout "shut up b*tch!" He threatens me with anything he can find, he takes my handbag and car keys, will pick up ornaments and throw them, rips photographs, has no regard for anything or anyone, including his own safety.. Should i try and repremand him by putting him to his room his solution is he'll jump out the window (not before throwing most of his belongings out of it). At the moment he is standing repeatedly pressing the door bell outside swearing and kicking the (unlocked) door in for all the neighbours to see. This is something that he has seen his father do in the past when i refused to let him in due to the physical abuse I would get when he was drunk. My son is doing this today because i asked him to apologise to his younger brother for swearing at him. I got to the point today where i took him to the bathroom to "wash his mouth out" and it made no difference whatsoever. He called me everything under the sun for even daring to take any kind of action.
I hate the way my son makes me feel. He makes me regret ever having children. I am unable to work due to the constant back and forth to the school (hes currently on a reduced timetable there also which means even more time at home with me.) If its not that its hospital appointments. He demands everything. He has seizures every night so my sleep is broken and I have the added burden that the neurologist regularly tells me how dangerous these seizures are and tell me about the risks of sudden unexpected death in epilepsy. Just fantastic. I feel an immense guilt for feeling the way i do. I dont believe I'm depressed i'm just very, very unhappy. It's not like you can say he'll grow out of it.. I mean he's 8 and he can't read or write.. will i ever get my own life back? Will he be a functioning adult? Nobody knows and the thought of this from now until the end of my days is truly terrifying. The only time i feel like i'm "me" is when the kids go to their dads on a saturday for the night. Even then i'm constantly bombarded with texts about how he's going to abandon them in my driveway if they don't behave. I feel like my eldest is ruining my 4 year old who I enjoy dearly. My youngest son is so loving and not a problem at all but the extreme behaviour is rubbing off on him and i feel like its not long before i have nightmare number 2 on my hands.
I honestly feel like I want to just board a plane and leave the country and never look back. I want my life back. I want to be ME again. Not for a few hours on a saturday, i want it back entirely!! I want to be able to have a partner.. I couldn't imagine even a saint wanting to be with me when they encounter my sons behaviour.
I feel so trapped and i want a way out.. I'm even contemplating giving my ex custody of our eldest but I know this isn't the right thing to do.
I cant go on anymore and I've nearly bitten my own fingers off today trying to not explode having an 8 year old call me a fat slag while he breaks precious things and storms about the house like he owns the place. All the discipline techniques in the world don't work. He isn't able to compute in his head or be reasoned with.
I've just had enough. Truly.