DH finally admitted depression. Why do I feel resentful?

[banjaxed]

I should be relieved. It has taken years. But I know he won't seek help. When I suggest he does he says it makes him feel like there's something about him that I want to change, when in fact he is the way he is.

How do I support him? What can I do?

I'm feeling very odd about it and I'm dismayed at myself. Life is hectic for us both. 3 young kids, busy busy jobs, not much time for anything. I am wary of PND myself having recognised I had it with dc1 in retrospect and I suppose DH's mood affects mine and that makes me uneasy. When he is down life seems very much harder and we both end up sniping at the kids and then having to deal with the fall out of that. I hate the atmosphere in the house that creates. We don't seem to be able to achieve anything as a family at weekends, instead trying to placate bored kids all day whilst not managing to get through chores.

Maybe I am just mourning our hypothetical other life where spontaneity, ambition and easygoing happiness were included. I sometimes catch myself wishing he would get medication as if that would magically change things when I know that it's a lot more complicated than that. When I'm finding it hard I project it onto him.

Can those who suffer from depression advise me on how to get over myself and be a supportive partner?

Hi banjaxed sorry to hear youre having a hard time. Ive had depression off and on for years. I can understand why you feel resentful. Its taken years for him to admit it and now he has he wont do anything about it!! Very frustrating! My son is similiar so I can see the problem from both sides. Re him saying you want to change him, well you do but you want him to be happy. Not at all unreasonable.
I think you can only do so much, try to persuade him to go to the doctors. He probably needs anti-depressants and counselling. If not for his sake then for the DCs sake he needs to do this. You do not need "to get over yourself", you need support too. Its hard to be a supportive person to a depressed partner, they drag you down, they cant help it. Try to read a book on depression by Dorothy Rowe, sorry I cant recall the title. I got it from the library, also "Sunbathing in the rain; a cheerful book about depression" Yeah I know, crazy title! If he is still functioning well enough to be going to work thats good. (Not belittling him or you) It can make you so low that getting out of bed is a colossal effort.
I hope this helps. Feel free to PM if you wish. Take care. Sue x

I think he is being selfish. I suffer from depression and anxiety. There is no way I would foist that person on my family. I am medication which works and takes the feelings away. Would he say another illness was just part of him?

Sorry to be blunt, but depression is truly awful for the sufferer and the family of the sufferer. I think he owes it to you to sort it out.

Thanks for the kind words. I don't think his depression is deep - he talks about absence of emotion, disconnection and difficulty in dealing with normal levels of family stress. He goes to work every day and deals with pressure there, but will be shattered by it and fall asleep at the dinner table. I have been tired enough to do that many's a time so I don't hold that against him. But if medication can improve any of that then I need to find a way to get him to the gp.

Yes do try and get him to the GP. Its what he needs. Good luck x

Hi banjaxed I too suffer intermittent depression and anxiety and have done so for 4 years following a severe episode of depression. The thing is depression can come in different forms and can be mild, moderate, severe, acute or chronic. I hate anyone tryng to diagnose on here, but it does sound like your DH has mild chronic depression, but with sometimes being more "down" than others. When you say he "admits" to it, what is he saying exactly. Is he telling you his symptoms/his emotions?

He absolutely must see a GP and get medication for his depression. This thing about you wanting to change something about him and he is as he is - I don't buy into this. I think it his rationale (though possibly not consciously)for not wanting to see a GP. Men are particularly bad at "admitting" to depression. It's understandable really because people see depression as their fault, feel guilty and ashamed sometimes and think we should be able to do something about it. These are all symptoms of the illness. Also of course the stigma around mental illness is alive and well.

I don't think you should just accept that he won't get help - that's not fair on you, the children or your DH. And you certainly don't need to "get over yourself" as others have said. You need to be assertive and insist your DH makes an appt with the GP. It would be best if you could go with him because he may well underplay his symptoms. The other thing is you can together make a list of his symptoms (somehow you have to try to convince him that he wouldn't be having this trouble if he had pneumonia) and get him to hand it to the GP - people often find this easier than talking about their emotions, especially men.

Modern ADs can be very effective for depressive illness but they act differently on different people, and they don't kick in for 2/4 weeks. He may have side effects (as this is the case with all drugs) but these usually disappear after a week or so.

You are in any case going through a very difficult stage of your lifespan, with busy jobs, young children and no time for rest and relaxation I imagine. My son was just saying to me recently that he looked back in longing to the days before the children (even though of course he wouldn't be without them) which is the case for all parents of course. The atmosphere in your house is clearly affecting the children as they are bored and will be picking up on the tension in the house.

This phase will pass - the children will grow - and hopefully your DH gets some help that he deserves.

Have just re-read your thread and see your DH talks of absence of emotion (which I certainly experience) I feel flat, empty and unmotivated and have no interest in day to day life. Disconnection is also another symptom, and not being able to cope with the stress of family life. I can certainly understand all of this. Depression and anxiety usually go together and it sounds like your DH has a fair amount of anxiety too. ADs also cope with anxiety and so could be a help all the way round.