I buggered up at work when I was unwell and it is really worrying me...

[thunksheadontable]

I am on mat leave now and disclosed to work after I started ADs as I was too anxious/paranoid to do so prior to that. I missed some really important paperwork and it has impacted badly on some people's jobs. I really wasn't on top of things but I wasn't fully aware of how bad I was or the implications. About six weeks after ADs it suddenly dawned on me (post birth of ds) and I went to my line manager and told her and handed over everything I messed up.

That was five months ago. I've had two calls about it in the last two days. I am having a bit of a rough time right now. Things are much better in general, more good days than bad but I have been going through some very difficult stuff in therapy and feel very vulnerable. I am feeling very unsure about my future at work in general as I recognise that I find it very very difficult to manage the demands of the job which are increasingly stressful. I really could have done without this contact right now.

What were the phone calls like?
Were the people being pleasant to you?

Am slightly confused - did you start to take ADs at the ante natal stage of your pregnancy, or at the post natal stage. Have you been diagnosed with PND and is this why you are taking ADs. Is your baby just 5/6 months of age? How long are you on maternity leave for?

Glad to hear things are getting better and you have more good days than bad, as this is the nature of the beast with depression, you get good and bad days. It is good that you are fighting the depression both with ADs and therapy, a good mixture for recovery. Therapy can be very painful though as things can get unearthed that haven't see the light of day for may years, or ever, and makes you very vulnerable.

When you say you have had 2 calls about "this" in the last 2 days, I'm not sure what you mean. Have these been calls from work and what was the content of them - presumably you are still on maternity leave, so should not be contacted from your employer.

I think it is perfectly normal that you will be having negative thoughts about your ability to cope with your job. You are ill for god sake and depression makes us very emotionally vulnerable amongst other things. Were you finding work very stressful before you became pregnant, or is this feeling since you have been on maternity leave. I don't think this is the time for you to be making any decision about work. You have a depressive illness and won't be able to return to work until you have recovered, in just the same way as if you had pneumonia.

If you are able can you give more detail about the contact of these calls presumably on 2 consecutive calls, who were they from and why have they made you so upset.

I was diagnosed in pregnancy with perinatal OCD and depression at 28 weeks pregnant. I told one senior colleague who I am friendly with but was too scared and also a bit in denial of how ill I was. I thought I was fine to work and was afraid to go off as I was terrified of being alone all day with my thoughts. I don't think my senior colleague really got it. She never really challenged my decision not to tell management and said some things about a fellow colleague who was sidelined after depressive illness. I was supposed to mark a whole load of portfolios for a qualification. As I had missed two weeks work at the end of my first trimester because I had been told I was miscarriage(start of all the worry) I lost my time to mark. my manager convinced me to do it in extra sessions but I couldn't keep up, I never took the money for two of the four sessions offered. I needed eight to catch up. my manager knew I was being sick several times a day and it was worse while travelling yet she moved me to work in a school two hours away from my home. I was just overwhelmed but didn't even see it. I kept thinking I would find a way to catch up. I organised to go off early on mat leave after Easter hols but continued coming into work on my holiday days until 36 weeks (an extra four weeks)'. I just couldn't catch up and realised I had not even sent in paperwork for previous cohort which I thought was sorted. Eventually I sent an email to my manager saying this is what is left to be done, I can't do it and she sent me one back saying IN CAPS that I needed to get x, y and z done though I was officially on mat leave. I sent email to say no way, this is overstepping mark and had no real response.

I didn't start ad' s til after birth as I was too afraid to take them while pregnant. I contacted work about it again six weeks after birth, if that. Early September, maybe even August.

Email and Facebook message this week to say two portfolios missing. I don't have them but of course no one believes that! Nothing has been done about marking them yet and the students are understandably anxious and need their work.

I totally screwed it up. Those students put so much effort in. I have to go back to work with these people and they have been let down by me. I know from watching colleagues that this is effectively a career ender for me in my place of work. No other jobs available or likely to be in my sector. I loved that job. I used to be so highly regarded in it too... but I was useless over the last two years (undiagnosed ocd after birth of first son, no insight into it, lost all organisational ability because so obsessional and in my own thought s)'. There is no uunderstanding or tolerance of this kind of thing. I already lost a promotion because I was too ocd at the time to prep for interview. Candidate who got it didn't meet many of the qualification criteria.

I know it is a toxic workplace. I am the fifth person in a year with mh issues in my team which is not large, that is about 15 per cent of workforce. I know that going back may never be right for me... but it makes me feel lost.

I want to be the best mum and me I can be and I have been much better but work stuff makes me feel there is no future, I won't be able to provide or be who I need to be or my kids need me to be. I hate it so unlucky. therapy is so so hard. I am working so hard at it, CBT and mindfulness for nine months, ds is six months and has been coming with me weekly for sessions in mother and baby unit but is crawling now so much harder. fell out with my cpn as was concerned about his weight and she thought it was my ocd when actually he had plummeted to 0.4 centile when he was 91st at birth. Doctor said he was wasted. I nearly lost it. she was worse than useless saying it was good I had worked it out myself as it would have been uncomfortable to avoid external agencies.. when she had been pooh poohing my concerns and I was the one chasing it up. even after it was discovered and I was saying tongue tie she said no one thought that but me and it wasn't worth pursuing. Through MN I found a private person who cut it, it was 85 per cent tied and he gained 18oz the following week!

I just feel so overwhelmed. was supposed to have review with cpn and psych on 2nd Jan but it was postponed to end of month. I told her I didnt want to talk to her ahead of it and she called while I had mastitis and I blew up at her and now I am scared of review, feel vulnerable going in there where she is professional and she did say things that were out of order as she already has tried to say she didn't say things that she did. I feel she has all the power.

Just feel lost. Dh will come with me but he will say nothing in a meeting like that. It is all too much.

OMG - what a terrible time you have had - it's small wonder you are now feeling overwhelmed. I take it you have 2 sons as you mentioned undiagnosed OCD after birth of first son. How old is the older one - asssume he was c/minded or day care while you were working. Were you worried you were likely to miscarry at the end of the first trimester, as you say in your post "Had been told I was miscarriage" - and you say this was the start of all the trouble. If I have understood you right you worked 4 weeks of the time when you were officially on maternity leave, and presumably only got paid whatever you got on maternity leave.

It sounds like you are an external examiner or moderator of some kind? YOur manager sounds like one of the most insensitive person to say the least and at worst a bully, as she was sending you to a school miles away when she knew you were having a hard time with your pregnancy. It probably would have been better to talk to your manager at the time when you were falling way behind and knew you could not carry on, but I guess you might have
been feeling a bit vulnerable about a meeting with her, given her attitude.

I must take issue with you about your comment "I totally screwed it up" NO you didn't - you were/are quite seriously ill with OCD and depression. It was you manager's responsibility to be aware of your problems and if she thought you were not up to the job because of your mental health problems, she should have ensured you went off sick, instead of which she piled more and more on you. She is the one at fault over this - not you. I was a team manager for 15 years in social services (retired now) and I noticed that one of my team was not performing as she usually did, so we had a chat and she admitted she was having long bouts of crying, so I insisted she went to the GP and went off sick. It did of course help that I had had depression too but that's another story.

I can realy identify with you when you say how you loved the job and how highly you were regarded (same here) but when mental illness descends we can't carry on like it isn't happening. It's like planning a hill climb with a broken leg.

You are working so hard with the therapy and you have been feeling better but the work stuff is screwing you up. You want to be the best mum you can be - of course you do, but you can't do all these things without feeling overwhelmed - it's called being human! I think you need to break things down into bite size chunks. When does your maternity leave end - is it possible to manage on your DH's wage - is he supportive btw? If it is then you could give in your notice. I know jobs are hard to find, but the fact is you are not in a position at the moment because of your mental health issues to actually be working in any job.

I'm so glad you got the tongue tied thing sorted. This happened to my friend's daughter recently. It was her second child and she knew he wasn't breast feeding properly as it was different from the first time, but he was putting on weight. She was sure he was tongue tied and she asked midwives and HVs and all said "No he's not - he wouldn't be putting on weight if he was" - in the end she insisted she was referred to a consultant paediatrician and he saw immediately that he was tongue tied, and now the baby has to learn how to suckle. Sounds like your CPN was trying to cover her tracks when it was found that your baby was tongue tied and it was nothing to do with your OCD. Why can't these people just say "sorry I got it wrong"

Re this coming meeting. How do you get on with the psych - or have you not seen him/her before. Think you will find the CPN will want to demonstrate to the psych that she is empathetic and sensitive and will be falling over herself to do this. You could I suppose contact her again and apologise for blowing up ather and she should understand that it is perfectly normal to "lose it" sometimes when you are overwhelmed with worries. I think you need to do whatever you feel best about the meeting at the end of month. If you feel you could face it better if you spoke to the CPN then it's probably best to conatct her. If not, go to the meeting with some clear idea of what you want to get out of it. Take notes to remind you if necessary. You sound like you are quite assertive, and that's fine, but try to keep calm and make sure the discussion addresses your issues.

Phew .............take one step at a time ..........can you stop worrying about work, because i think that would help.

Oh yes these email and facebook messages about lost portfolios. Who e mailed you and FB FGS,.....you don't send messages like this on FB. If it was your manager, this is unbelievable. It is highly unprofessional in my view ro be communicating by e mail and FB about such matters. You may be better off out of that job.

Take care and come back and talk if it helps.