It's taken me 6 attempts to just write the title. I absolutely hate myself for feeling this way and i love him with all my heart, but i just don't like my 6yo ds.
For a long time i have always had my suspicions that he has some sort of adhd/add or other types of problems. He moves constantly, talks constantly, tries to take over every situation and has recently gone back to having screaming tantrums when things don't go his way. He can concentrate for long periods of time if he is interested in something but he will then become obsessed with it (eg we are currently on countries and he could probably pass an alevel with his knowledge on countries and their flags!) Having said that, if the subject does not grab his attention straight away, he zones out almost instantly. I also have a 4yo dd, she is such a good girl and this just makes him seem worse! It also doesn't help that my mother is constantly telling me that i'm awful to him and i always want to spend my time with dd. (Not true, i made a massive effort last night and took him out on a trip, just the two of us, to a place he really loves.)
In the last 6months he has also developed anxieties. Before christmas he started washing his hands. Scrubbing them constantly until his skin literally peeled off! We managed to get over that and now rather than just wash, he needs constant reassurance. Are my hands alright, are my feet alright, am i ok, i've just brushed my arm against the wall, what will happen. This is not once a day, this is at most every half an hour. At tea, it can be after every mouthful, especially if he picks something up with his hands! I've taken him to the docs recently regarding this and the doc just said i need to just reassure him, don't make a big deal out of it, just say say yes you're ok and then carry on with whatever i'm doing.
This is really dragging me down, i spend the day praying for bedtime and then remember that bedtime is just as bad, sometimes 2 and a half hours of crying because i wont let him sleep on the sofa bed or because he's scared. ( i do believe he's genuinely scared, especially with the recent anxieties.) So i usually stay in his room and read while he falls asleep but he wants to just talk and then i get cross and he gets more woundup. Then, i think we're getting somewhere, a little voice pops out with am i alright? It makes my heart ache thinking about him saying it but at the time it just makes me really angry, and i have to try so hard not to scream the place down. Ijust say yes you're fine and then cry in to my book.
Sorry i'm going on but i want to say the whole story. As i said, i have taken him to the docs about this and i've also discussed this behaviour with the doc and various class teachers. I even asked his teacher last year if she thought there was anything wrong with him and her answer was its not my job to tell you that!! I thought that the school contacted parents if they thought there could be a problem, and as he's now in yr 2 i'm presuming they do not suspect anything and it makes me feel like a terrible parent as i'm using the fact that i think he has an illness for his awful behaviour and my attitude towards him. (He does save his anxiety for home though, he says that he'll feel silly asking a teacher if he's ok but he knows he can ask at home and that it's safer! - see that makes my heat melt!)
Sorry it's such a long post but i dont know where to turn! I love him with all my heart but at the minute i can't live without hom but i can't live with him! How can i change?!?