Unsure what to do

[Rodge486]

Hi
I was hoping someone would be able to advise me before I potentially ruin my life completely
I had a little girl in may 2012 and can't imagine life without her however I find myself getting really upset thinking she deserves a better mum than she has
Her grandparents are near by a look after her 4 days a week as I started back at work in October
I dreaded going back and then welcomed it as I have a stressful job but drove myself up the walls at home all day. A month into work and it was like I had never been away it was awful! I'm a team leader with no full time manager for support there were quite a few serious incidents that had happened whilst I was on ml that I had to resolve when I came back which I don't believe is really in my remit and scope of pay to do. Last month I had my first "official" anxiety attack and headed to the docs who wanted me to take time off work. I refused as it caused me so much extra work and stress when I took time for ml and holidays but took a leaflet for counselling but I never called them. I don't want to be blubbing on someone's shoulder I think I know what is wrong but can't snap myself out of it
Since the visit to the gp I have been having a lot of sucidial thoughts
Before the visit and after I have been having fits of hysterical crying or just crying throughout the day and snapping terribly with my OH almost trying to drive him away I even accused him of rape as I have zero sex drive and he kept asking so I gave in
I feel so bad for him
Sometimes I've snapped at LO and she's so good she deserves so much better I never see her when I'm working as she is in bed when I get in and I wanted to take her to baby groups and never did and feel she is missing out
I am currently off work. LO was unwell and I took her to the docs yesterday and he said she had a viral infection and otherwise ok but I can't face going back to work
On top of this I have mega money worries as I write I have had my phone cut off and anticipating the Internet being cut off before long. I received some gift vouchers for Xmas and have spend them all on baby food, nappies and formula I can't even think when I bought anything for myself at all
I don't know what I want from people on here TBH think I just needed to rant and I'm worried if I go back to the docs and get signed off work I'll be get less pay and do myself no favours and be letting my team down and be judged
Did I rush back to work?
Sorry for the mega long post

Rodge, sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. Don't feel guilty, all this would be too much for anyone. Is your GP easy to talk to, a sympathetic person? I don't think the answer is necessarily being signed off work (FWIW, I always rejected that option myself because the way my work is means that it's me and my finances who would suffer most if I took time off, nobody to cover for me, projects need finished on time). The GP should look at other options with you - I don't know if you've ever taken any medication but, as many posters will no doubt agree, it can really help to get you back on an even keel, feeling more capable. You can also emphasise to him that you would like to be referred for counselling or other therapies. It's a big ask for someone who's depressed / anxious to try and sort something out themself from a leaflet. It's not blubbing on someone's shoulder, it's just getting the chance to vent your feelings to someone who won't be affected by what you say (family etc).

With regard to your OH and the sex issue - I've been there recently, and I know how painful it is. My OH said I made him feel like a rapist. He just has to understand it's not lack of love or desire that's the problem, but your mental state, and it won't go on forever.