Is it possible to get better?

[stripeyjimjams]

I'm sorry to start this thread with such a doomy question, but I'd love to hear stories from any MNers who have come out the other end of long-running depression/anxiety in one piece.

I'm 27, and have suffering from depression and anxiety pretty much constantly for a few years now. I got married in October, to the most sweet, gentle man, we worked hard to save up for a mortgage, now own our own flat and I should be happy. I'm doing a doctorate at university, and this (along with my pay) will end this October, and I'm petrified about going into the job market. We want to try for a baby in the near future, but I can't see any hope of me being a good mum. I can barely look after myself sometimes. A lot of my depression is tied up with the fact that I can't stop smoking. My doctor tells me to go easy on myself, and definitely don't even try until my life's a bit settled and I've finished my doctorate, but I don't see me ever being strong enough. Not smoking makes me feel suicidal (I know how stupid and selfish that sounds). I want to be a mother and could never forgive myself for smoking while pregnant, but I see no way out. I've read the Allen Carr books, had hypnotherapy, patches, gum....

I just wish my DH had never met me. I wish I could go back in time and not meet him so he wouldn't have to suffer because of me. I know he finds it so hard when I'm down. He does not deserve this. I almost feel like I've tricked him into marrying me, because I should have known I wouldn't get better. He hates me smoking - it makes him nervous because his mum smokes and had cancer (though she's recovered now).

I'm on 100mg sertraline, after having switched from 30mg citalopram last year. I've had CBT and counselling, but have an appointment with a psychotherapist in a few weeks. I had no inkling that when I started on the ADs almost 3 years ago that I'd still be here. I feel so ungrateful, such a miserable waste of space. Everything just makes me cry. Thinking about my family and my husband makes me so sad.

With posts like this I like to see if there is a trigger of anything or a root cause.
Could you perhaps briefly describe your childhood and when you started smoking?
And when the anxiety and dperession started?
I am sort of thinking in general rough terms of a timeline ifyswim.

Hello stripey sorry to hear you feel bad. Ive suffered from depression on and off for 20 years. I too am currently on setraline. I was on 100mg but recently had it increased to 150mg, which seems to have helped. Maybe you should go back to your GP and see if they will up your dosage.
Re your husband if he didnt love you and want to be with you he wouldnt of married you. He probably does find it hard to see you feeling down, its hard to watch someone you love suffering. Perhaps he needs some support too. I read a brilliant book called "Sunbathing in the rain, A cheerful book about depression" by Gwyneth Lewis. It may help him if he reads it. Its available at my local library, it may be available at yours. Its a great book. Hope this helps.

Hi amillionyears and susanann, thank you for taking the time to reply, it makes me feel less alone.

amillionyears, my childhood was pretty happy (no money worries, parents together) but I've always been a worrier. When I was about 10, I suddenly stopped wanting to go to school, crying every morning and being sick, which was the first time I remember having these feelings. Nobody's quite sure why, but my DM tends to think it's because the teacher I had was quite a cruel person and that's when my oversensitivity started to show. Other kids didn't react in the same way. I didn't start smoking until I was 19, and started my degree, mainly just to fit in, but I can't remember when it became such a crutch. This current period of anxiety/depression has lasted since I was doing my degree and was always worried about never finding a job. I still worry about that so much, especially now that I've got a mortgage to pay.

susanann thank you for the book suggestion, I will definitely look it up. Re: meds, I'm going to see what the psychologist says. I'm sure you know how it feels, but it gets so frustrating starting new meds, getting a wee bit better, then feeling like you're crashing again.

With problems, I like to divide them into today problems, and the rest.

Your today problems are smoking, anxiety, depression

baby, job, DH are either tomorrow and beyond problems, or not or will not be problems at all.

Of the smoking, anxiety and depression, smoking is standing out as it probably is not helping the other two.
I can think of 3 suggestions for that.
1.Go to the GP, which you may have done already? Or see a different on one in the practice if you did not feel you got enough help and support from the first one.
2.Start your own thread on MN to see if MNetters can come up with something new.
3.I'll pm you the third if you are happy for me to do that.

Hi stripey how are you today? Yes I think its a good idea to wait till you see the psychologist. I know its frustrating and every day you have to wait to see someone or feel better seems to be like a week long. Hang on in there, we are here for you. Do you have a friend you can confide in who can support you?

Hi susanann thank you for checking in. I do have my sister in RL, who is very kind and understanding. I've been a bit better past few days, it's ups and downs, really, but I'm thankful for the wee ups when they come. Will see what the psych has to say. It sounds ungrateful, but it's difficult for me to hold out hope for any kind of therapy/meds doing much good as things have always fallen apart after brief improvements in the past, but here's hoping. Hope you have a good weekend.