Can't cope well, got PND, so why do I want more children???

[tashy]

I feel as if I'm going mad, and so confused. I've got 2 beautiful ds (ds1 is 3 years, ds2 is 11months), and have a wonderful husband. And yet I can't seem to enjoy anything, I am so irritable, I find it hard looking after two children, I've been told by my doctor I've got PND...and yet I can't stop dreaming about having more children. If I thought I wasn't going to have any more chldren I'd be devastated, which sounds so ungrateful I know, as I have 2 beautiful boys. Am I just eluding myself - why on earth do I want more children when I find it hard work with the 2 I already have?????

God tashy - you sound so much like me! I am same situation, 2 young kids, PND and yet I yearn for more. I think it is because I was really happy when I was pregnant both times - I felt special and important and enjoyed the attention I got as well as looking forward to meeting my babies! I made each pregnancy a mission too by eating and drinking differently and reading everything I could. I think it is just wanting that feeling back. Maybe you are the same?

Hi Tashy, I know exactly how you feel! When dd1 was 2 I went on antidepressants as I felt I couldn't cope with her. Now I'm the v.proud mum of 3 dd's (youngest 17wks old) and am back on ad's as I'm so moody all the time and feel I can't cope YET I just so love the being pregnant, giving birth & would love a 4th!! I can't understand any logic it behind it either.

x

tashy, this could be me writing this. Except i havne't been to the doctors. Our boys are exactly the same ages and i'd say that since the baby has started to be on the move i've really been struggling. Feel like each day is a battle and even leaving the house is a drama in itself. I started saying that i wanted another straight away, don't know if it was because i also wanted a girl next or if it's because i'm only 27 and hopefully able to have more if i choose. During the last few weeks though i've decided i do wnat more, but not for at least 3 years. There is no way that i could cope.

It's helped me by thinking that i just want to enjoy my boys and i don't want to struggle, emotionally or financially. It is really hard work and i think i takes alot of guts to admit you're struggling, but it's also alot of fun and hopefully things should get easier once they get a bit more independant.

Are you on ad's

Hi tashy you could be me!I have 2dds aged 4 and 13weeks and suffer with depression also,i am very irritable and frequently take it out on my Dp.I am waiting to see a psychologist and on anti ds ,i love being a mom and cant imagine just having two either even though space is an issue.I am due back at work in june and dreading it !Glad that i read your post as it makes me feel less mad.x

Hi everyone - thanks so much for your replies - I feel so low and confused sometimes that I feel like the stupidest and most selfish person in the world. So it really helps to hear I'm not the only one.
Schneebly - I can so relate to what you said - I felt so special during each of my pregnancies that I just want to recreate that feeling by being pregnant again.
And yet I feel it is so selfish to want more - surely I should only want/deserve more if I could cope so much more easily with the two I have already got?!!!
PS. I'm not on ad's - I'm breastfeeding ds2 and didn't feel comfortable taking ad's whilst bf (not saying it's wrong to take them whilst bf, it's just how I personally feel).

oops - plese don't misread my last message - when I said 'it really helps to hear I'm not the only one', I mean 'it really helps to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way - wanting more children and yet not feeling as if I'm coping with the children I've already got....'

Pernod - do you think you will have a 4th? When you were depressed after dd1, did anything happen to help things get better?

After dd1 the ad's helped for a while but then after dd2 I saw a counsellor who was absolutely great! She made me see how much pressure I was under from my parents. I now just think though I'm one of those people who will always be prone to unhappiness and depression - however I always feel my happiest once pregnant or with a newborn, it's so ironic. If I could persuade my dh & we had more money then definitely yes to a 4th!
Do you think Tashy you will go for a 3rd? I'd be totally with you if you said yes!!

Hi Pernod - it's good to hear how much a counsellor can help - I'm on the waiting list to see a counsellor, and am also going to start going to a PND Support group in May.
I would love to have a 3rd, but I feel as if I need to give it some time - I've taken so much out of myself (and dh - he gets so much crap from me!) by feeling this way, that I just feel I need time to get myself back on an even keel, give myself time to heal mentally - if I can. Funnily enough, so long as I have hope that we will have a 3rd, I don't feel so bad. It's the thought of not having another one that makes me feel at my lowest...even though I couldn't currently cope with having another one...oh dear, there I go in that downwards spiral again...

Thanks for post Tashy. Makes me feel less mad too! I am desperate for a second child. Love first one (dd 2.8 yrs) to bits but feel quite out of control at times - have great days - and then some terrible ones where I feel I can't and don't want to cope any more. It doesn't make any sense does it? Would be even more desperate if I couldn't have a second though. There's nothing rational about it .....!!!! Sorry - nothing original in my post - just wanted to say "me too!!""

Hi tashy

just toa dd my 2pence worth, I also felt like a couple of years after my first dd, and for a periodn I thought I was really depresse, though there were other triggers aswell (like dh working v.long hours, no family nearby, I was in effect alone most of the time).

I was on the combined pill at the time, and thought it was to blame, and just a few weeks after stopping it I immediately felt better...and a few more weeks and I got pregnant with my third (quite unexpectedly).

I also worried about how I'd cope, as I found dd1 v. difficult and demanding, and thought I'd go crazy, but things have been much much better than my rosiest expectations. Having dd2 has somehow also changed my relationship with dd1 and I find I have more patience with her now than before (maybe because I feel more satisfied? I don't know).

I'm not saying you should rush into having a third, but just bear in mind sometimes things turn out better than you thought!!

DD2 is now 18 months and I think next winter we'll try for another one.....

Hi,
Thanks for your posts.
Webmum - what an interesting viewpoint - it sounds like you thought you were depressed but as you had more children, you got better?! I love the positive'ness of this! (have you got two or three children - I got a bit confused here!)
I really wish I could 'improve' with the more children I have - only trouble is it hasn't happened so far. It's interesting aswell, you mention your dh did long hours - well my dh does night shifts, and often over the weekend - I'm sure this doesn't help as it does feel like you're on your own a lot.

Jellyfish - how have you managed to hold off having a second one for this long - it sounds like you desperately want one???
You're right, these feelings don't seem rational - sometimes I find I can think of nothing else, and then I feel so guilty for not enjoying the 'here and now'.

Hi Tashy,

I've always believed that women don't have a choice when it comes to broodyness. Schneebly has got a v.good point too. I often think back to my pregnant days blobbing out on the sofa, holding my bump, reading baby mags, eating and drinking so, so well.

My DS is 11m and I'm as broody as hell. We have no money and I'm a hopeless housewife. (The house is a tip, I have a laundry 'back log' that has exploded out of the laundry bin and started colonising the landing, the garden is so messy that a Trick or Treater that I answered the door to said that he thought 'smack heads' lived here.
I'm still BF and col-sleeping half the night

As hard as it is and as caotic, stressful, expensive, tiring, emotionally draining etc would be to have more, I'm with you and desperately hope I do in the near future.

Tash - I can really really sympathise with you about longing for another - and I don't think you sound ungrateful at all. Maybe it's all about the contradiction of parenthood - totally amazing and fantastic on the one hand and bloody hard work and depressing on the other. So we want the good bits and dread the bad bits but overall know that it's more than worth it overall hence the longing to go again!! (Dh and I have been trying for a second for 4 months.) I do appreciate the here and now, even though it's hard at times (I live abroad, no family around, dh travels all the time) in fact I don't think that I have ever felt more 'alive' since having dd!! I think we've held off so long because I became quite anxious and depressed during first pregnancy and dh and I underestimated impact of having a baby (we're in our early 40s and had been together many yrs before dd's birth). DD is a very easy, happy child and I guess I'm worried that if I'm having difficult days now, will I jeopardise what we have by having a second??

Do you think your longing may be because you would like a daughter? Sorry if this is intrusive question, just wondering if that is another possiblity?

Cheeseypeas - your laundry pile story has made me cackle - same prob. here and it's growwwinnngg!!!

Hi tashy

I don't know if having a second child made me less depressed (I have two at the moment but thinking about a third), but I was definitely deeply unhappy, dd1 was a difficult child and dh not being around didn't help.
Di ahving a second child made me feel better? I think it definitely contributed to it. i was desperate for a second child, I got the point where I'd cry every time I saw a pregnant woman in the street, or a newborn. Was it the pill? maybe, what I think happened is that everything kind of slotted together ifswim. When I got pregannt I was ecstatic, as a result I was more patient with dd1, and I started enjoying her more, and I didn't feel so lonely anymore (I hope it makes sense). It helped that when dd2 was born dd1 was at an age where she was easier, mopre independent, and it didn't feel like a oneway realtionship anymore.

Also, she used to be a true daddys girl, I'd look after her all week, and then she'd see him at the weekend and would only want him, I knew she loved me, but it was hard not feel hurt sometimes, this also changed when dd2 was born, and now, the two dds often fight over me, while dh is left there watching!!

Its been a long journey, but well worth it!!

Hi, sorry I haven't logged on for a few days - but it's lovely to see your posts!
The words in your posts just ring so true - I think if you have that 'broody' feeling there is just nothing you can do to switch it off - it's too powerful and yet so difficult to explain logically sometimes.
Jellyfish - i didn't find your question offensive about possibly wanting a daughter - somedays I think you could well be right, and then other days I think how much easier it might be to have all boys! i think the main thing to be honest is I just desparately want another child one day...