Am I Narcissist Borderline, or just an ultra Bitch?

[Disaronno]

What bothers me most is the lack of empathy and little interest in other people unless I want something from them. I have no problem being alone because when people behave or do things that are not my own way of behaving or doing thing I get extremely frustrated and even angry. I seem to be angry all the time tbh but I can hide it when necessary. On the surface I seem to be very confident but in reality I have very low self esteem. Ì have terrible problem with showing any kind of affection and hate to be touched .I have very short patience too. I don't have any hobbies, I'm not passionate about anything and I'm not particularly good at anything either, even tough even with my low self esteem I still keep thinking I am somehow better than everybody else. I usually hurt people by being rude, sometimes fake or sometimes just ignoring them. I'm not generous and I don't like giving people gifts or time. Sometimes even giving them a smile is much to me. Hope it makes sense, I just want to know how to start getting treatment if necessary and change.

I doubt you're just a bitch. (Or a bitch at all)

It sounds rather extreme but I wouldn't like to speculate. Diagnosis by internet is often dangerous!

I suggest you go to your GP. Write down how you feel so that you don't have a problem articulating it when you're there and ask for a referral to someone who can help you see what, if anything, the problem may be.

Do you by any chance feel like your whole life is a fake and 'you' is a mask you wear, to the point where you don't even know what or who you is - or if there even is a 'you'? Perhaps that people look like cardboard cutouts to you, they're that unreal? That you know what you should say, and how to show the appropriate feelings, but you know that in your heart of hearts you don't really give a shit?

If that's totally wrong, fair enough

I feel my life is fake because it isn't the life I wanted or dreamed. I feel ashamed of the younger me seeing me living like this. Ì feel that I let her down big time and I hope one day she will take control over me and make things happen the way she wants, deserves...the way it always was supposed to be if I didn't mess up or make the wrong decisions. And I also feel a bit like you said about people being like things and I couldn't care less.

I don't mind diagnoses speculation on the internet, I need some form of outlet and encouragement to finally seek help. I think I'm destroying my husband and daughter's lives.

Definitely get help. You sound like my mum and everyone has approached her over the years to ask her to get help and she has just cut them from her life. I was the only family member with a relationship with her until I also asked her why she treated us as she did and now she has no one .

I think I'm destroying my husband and daughter's lives

That's your encouragement right there

I agree with hecate that should inspire you . My mum has left it too late none of us could take any more it is such a shame. I think she felt in control while she had power and any challenge to that she couldn't accept. Please try and get this sorted I am 47 and it has been too long. Was your own childhood difficult?

I think you are very aware of yourself, do you feel depressed too?

You are more likely very afraid and your low self esteem sounds crippling.

What feelings do you have for your dd? - it is unlikely that you only are nice to her when you want something.

I think there are many aspects of your personality that people could identify with, low self esteem, not affectionate, not much patience.
The bit that concerns me is the fact you don't like giving people presents or time unless you want something from them. That really isn't a particularly nice trait and that would definitely encourage me to seek help, especially as you say, you think you may be destroying your husband and daughter's lives.
There's someone nice in there trying to get out.

If you look through the stately homes thread you will see the end result.

Some childhood problems but nothing particularly traumatic as far as I can remember. I'm aware of myself now because I came to the conclusion that is not likely that everyone is wrong all the time and I'm right and only my opinion should count always. End of year is a very challenging time for me and although I made a special effort this year to get trough it, I find two very minor excuses to over react massively in order to punish people that didn't respond the way I wanted. Yes they have their degree of fault too, but they didn't deserve what I did. Re my daughter, she is 5 and as she grows I find it harder to keep affectionate, positive and caring. There is no abuse, just coldness and very little spurs of warmth now and than. I do love her and want the nest for her but I just don't know how to let my mother side out anymore. Sometimes I see her as though as she is a pet. And even tough I didn't want to get pregnant (at least consciously) having her makes me hide behind the fact that I can use as an excuse not to do a million other things that I think I should be doing but that I don't have the drive to do due not to believe in myself.

I don't think it is 100% lack of empathy but definitely less than average. Also my empathy swings with my mood, if I feel fine I have more empathy, if I'm unhappy I can bear no ones happiness and will deliberate try to destroy it or withhold anything that will make than even happier. Even if it is a veruy little simple thing.

And I don't know if I'm depressed, I function albeit in a fowl mood sometimes. I'm feeling less energetic lately, eating less too.

You sound EXACTLY like my sister except she doesnt care that she is like this.

Everybody in the entire world was put here just to annoy her. She is opinionated, not afraid to give her opinion no matter who it is to and no matter what that opinion is.

She is lonely. She is very lonely, but claims to be happy to be alone and not bothered by anyone.

This is very very bad because she has a son. He thinks that she is normal. This is teaching him the wrong thing entirely.

I feel as his aunt that i need to show him other ways. This is a huge amount of pressure.

I have encouraged her to go to her GP, but she will not, i believe she has a degree of depression, she agrees...but will not get help.

Its almost like having a relative with an addiction, she cannot see what she is doing and how it affects those around her.

Egg shells constantly when in her company does not make for a nice relationship.

I would urge you to go to see your GP.

It sounds like you are disappointed with how your life has turned out and are unconsciously blaming yourself while consciously turning that anger and bitterness outward to the world. People who find it difficult to be kind and warm to others are generally unhappy, or sociopaths, but if you were really a sociopath, you wouldn't be worrying about how you behave and relate to others.

Have you ever had therapy? I think it would help.

Nanaps some people do walk in egg shell around me and it is as tough as I can feel them breathing once I'm gone. I was like your sister, only that I'm now coming towards the light. Unfortunately no one told me I might have a problem before and I have too see for myself.

No, had only two therapy sessions, once when I was a teenager, and once when my first marriage broke down, I would say it was 2 hours in total and obviously not very helpful.

So,people with narcissism and people with personality borderline disorder are not aware of themselves?? I must be an ultra bitch than ...

Yeah, you probably are a bit of a beeyatch but the good news is that means you can change. Narcissists and sociopaths can't.

Oh dear....

Npd and APD are notorious at being untreatable, BPD has a good chance of working with therapy.

Disarrono it does sound as if there is more than one 'you' - one that does sound Lacking in empathy and not working so well for either you or your family. What's amazing is there's clearly another you that knows this is not right. Maybe connected to the younger you you wish would take over. Listen to that 'you', to that side of yourself - the 'you' that wants to change. Find help to make that side of you stronger and there's no reason why it can't - it's why all these psychotherapists and psychologists have employment. Good luck.

Disarrono I think only a mental health specialist can diagnose a personality disorder. This can be a GP if they specialise in Mental Health, otherwise you would need a referral to secondary healthcare services which may include a wide variety of specialist MH workers not just psychiatrists.
Suggest you see your GP and if it's outside their comfort zone get a referral.

Dear Disaronno I hope u found the help you were looking for, but from what i have read, you are not any of the bad things you described yourself as, By simply asking the question 'am i a narcissist etc'? means you are not. It does however come across to me that u may have been the victim of someone who is in fact a narcissist or borderline, as they are very skilled at projecting their disorders onto you, to help themselves feel better. Possibly re read all of the information you have read, with an open mind this time, and not think am i this? but ask yourself, Have i been a victim of this??? also look into Complex post traumatic stress disorder and narcissistic Victim Syndrome, and see if any of the symptoms are parallel to your own. I hope this helps

NM I am a narcissist - asking yourself the question, "am I a narcissist" does not mean that you are not. What it can mean is that you are willing to seek help for your condition because you are concerned.

Out of curiosity, why did you post against a two year old thread?