Rather be dead than have this :(

[Wannabnormal]

Hiya, I'm a single mum of 3 kids, my youngest is 11 weeks and I have a severely disabled nearly 6 year old and an 11 year old.... I was diagnosed with severe OCD when my nearly 6 year old was born, despite suffering exactly the same thing before and after my 11 year old was born. I also suffer from bad depression, overall, I was diagnosed with Postnatal Depression after my 11 year old was born, saw a psychiatrist, had it years, then when my nearly 6 year old was born, I suffered again, much much worse though, was nearly hospitalised, no one was around to do admissions as it was the May Weekend, my dad had taken me straight to A&E, I was referred to a psychologist and was diagnosed straight away with severe ocd with depression. I got over it much quicker than I did after my 11 year old.
The thoughts are based on my new baby, sexual abuse thoughts, HATE writing this I am so scared I will do something sexual to the baby, today is just off the scale and I am really panicking, soo scared. I am on citalopram 40mg now and was on Diazepam 5mg three times a day for moments like this, I have been at a new Dr's surgery since last year and they are not so understanding as my old dr's surgery, my dr there knew me inside and out and prescribed Diazepam until I felt better, my new surgery took it off me a couple of weeks ago but I REALLY need it again until I am over this again....Please can someone help me, talk to me about their experiences please? Thankyou for taking time to read this

Can you go to a&e again? Or access your local crisis team?

Do you have contact with the crisis team?

don't want to read and run.Can you get a gp appointment tomorrow? Maybe print this off and hand it to the gp? Have you got enough diazapam to keep you going? I had pnd after both my dc and was given lorazepam (similar to diazapam) to tide me over until the AD's kicked in.They are only a temporary solution though so they will be reluctant to prescribe.
Keep talking on here.We are here to listen.

If you can't get in the dr's I would go to A&E and take a print off of this thread with you.They will have a psychiatric nurse on duty.

How are you today?

Hey all. Ty for your amazing input I do suffer from intrusive thoughts, really bad, they get so bad sometimes, I saw a locum dr this morning who was absolutely useless! I explained over the Fne and he asked me to come in so I did, when I got there I told him the thought were of harming my dd etc...he then told me...that the health visitors and SOCIAL WORK would have to be involved!!!!! So now, I am a million times worse! He went out the room to ask another dr, came back in and asked if I was 'serious' bout thoughts of harming my dd!!!! I said 'yes' and I went on to explain that it was THOUGHTS I was having. He said that if it was 'what ifs' then there was no need to involve social work! Fukn twat. I'm so upset and angry. I told him that no wonder so many new Mum's are scared to tell their GP these things because they fear their children being taken away. Then the GP actually threatens you with the thing that you fear!!!!! Idiot, should not be sat in that chair, he then refused me diazepam and said the only thing he could give me was propranolol, I told him I had had it before and never worked, he actually said ' well it may work this time' he told me he couldn't give me any other medication for it and to 'deal with what I've got' FFS!!! He told me he wouldn't be able to get me seeing a psychologist for 9-12 months!!! My last GP, got me an appointment last time for the psychologist within a month! Anyway, I got home, called the mental health team and they were brilliant. They're waiting on a GP from my surgery calling them back to see about diazepam. What a horrible experience I've had, all because of some arsehole dr that hadn't a clue!

Tell me about it Mrs Wolowitz, still fukn livid. What a total arse! The mental health nurse called my gp and they STILL said no, I know all the risks involved with addiction but..it is the only medication to stop this at It's worst. My old gp would have prescribed it, no problems. My gp's surgery is absolutely shit! My dd was unwell about a month ago and one of the drs told me 'she's not unwell, just colic' that was at quarter to six at night, at 8, my dd had 6 drs around her in resus, she had suspected viral meningitis. Absolutely terrible x

To the OP, have you been in touch with your local crisis team? i think a&e, your CMHN or gp can refer you. It sounds like they haven't got your medication right :-( If your GP won't prescribe it then a psychiatrist might, your CMHN should be able to get you in to see one bypassing the GP.

Or get a new gp :-)

It sounds like the GP you saw today was a student on placement or a very very new GP. The fact that he had to call another dr in was proof of this. A lot of GPs have no idea about mental health and especially about suicide ideation or thoughts of hurting your child, which are scary enough in themselves without some idiot talking about social services.

You really do have an awful lot on your plate as single parent to 3 children, one very young and one with special needs. Could you have PND do you think. I wasn't clear from your post whether you are actually on meds for depression or not. If not it seems like you need to be. Is propanalol an AD.

I have suffered 2 major episodes of depression (both times in hopsital for 3 months) but haven't fully recovered from last bout and get intermittent severe depression. I am on an old fashioned tryclic drug imipramine, but the psychiatrist wrote me up for 6mg of diaz per day and a nurse commented "Oh DR X will have you on these for ever." I only take them when I need them now, never more than 6mg per day and to be honest I can't understand why he was happy to discharge me on that amount because I do know that the major tranks (like diazepam) can be very addictive and in years gone by GPs just used to dole them out in higher and higher doses and whilst this helped the anxiety, it also made people feel sort of zombielike. There was a general hoo haa about it and some GPs were taken to court for the over prescription of these drugs as they "took away" 10 years of someone's life. However my GP who is lovely is quite happy to give me repeat prescriptions which were prescribed by psych on my dischrge from hopsital.

I think yu need to make sure you don't see that GP again, they differ so much in their approach. Are the CPNs asking the GP yu saw today about diazepam, as that is likely to do no good. Sounds like you are conneced to the mental health services in your area. Have you got a good HV (NOT one worrying you are going to harm your baby) but for support which you are in need of just now.

Hope you don't mind my asking but did yu suffer from ane childhood trauma that could be linked with your intrusive thoughts.

Can you contact your Health Visitor asap and ask her to contact the perinatal mental health team for you, telling health visitor everything you told the first useless gp. Your health visitor can refer (in this area anyway) for support from a perinatal psychiatrist and nurses, who can prescribe medication like diazepam - it is not just the gp that can refer when you have a baby I discovered!!

Being honest about how bad you are to the health visitor can get you all sorts of support that the gp's cannot access when you have young children I discovered.