Depression or just grief?

[NobodyKnows]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, but I don't know where to turn.

I'm trying not to out myself, so I've name changed and I'm going to keep the details as vague as possible.

I recently lost someone very close to me, while it wasn't entirely unexpected it was a lot sooner than I thought.

I find I'm constantly varying between really upset and very very angry, this is impacting on my family life and I am struggling to keep my feelings to myself especially from DD who has also been affected quite badly by this loss.

It all recently came to a head at the weekend, when after a really bad day - doing Christmas stuff, and it's all just too hard, too many memories, if I could hide under a rock until Christmas was over and I didn't have to be reminded of it I might feel a bit better, but I'm not sure.

DP and I were discussing how hard I'm finding Christmas, yet still trying to make an effort for DD, and I let slip that I've been thinking it should have been me and not her, she was a better mom than I'll ever be. I blame myself for what happened when I first found out I was expecting DD I kept thinking I would give anything to ensure that DD was a happy healthy baby, and I'm worried I sacrificed this person in having those thoughts.

I keep thinking life would be so much better for DD and DP if I weren't around, if I could have an accident so that they would still get my life insurance, and not struggle financially, and to be honest I'm too much of a coward to actually take my own life, but I wish someone would do it for me.

Is it normal to feel like this, when losing someone who was your world, or do I have a bigger problem that I need to deal with?

Sorry this is so jumbled, but my heads a bit of a mess and I'm just not sure where to turn.

Will be offline for the next hour, so if you do get as far as this and reply, I'll be back in a bit.

Thanks

I don't know, but it sounds to me like you could use some counselling either way. It may be that you have depression caused by grief. I think you should go to see your GP in any case.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It is very hard at any time, but Christmas makes it particularly so.

Well done for hanging in there, and for being honest.

I'm not sure where the line is between depression and grief- I've been wondering the exact same thing too recently.

I have had 3 MC this year, one just after christmas at 5 months, so everything this christmas is reminding me of this period last year when I was looking forward to meeting my baby and had no idea what this year would bring.

I also wonder if I'd be better off with the babies than here and can see I'm in a bad way, but don't know if it is normal, or if it is now a MH issue also.

FWIW the two things that have helped me are

1. Reading something about suicide that said that when you die it doesn't end the pain, it just takes it and shares it out amongst your loved ones who then have to carry it, and this helped me to see that the idea in my head that my family would be better off is not true, which has kept me safe.

1. Going to the docs TWICE. The first time I went, got totally patronised and fobbed off- eg. 'try and get out into the fresh air every day, that will help' ... but I summoned up my courage, went back and said, 'Actually, I need you to take me seriously. I've always had quite robust mental health but I'm struggling to cope and i'm doing all I can so I need some proper help' and this did produce results. The GP has referred me for both individual and group counselling in the new year, plus given me a gym membership things with some personal training sessions and a voucher to go to food clinic (as my food has been completely dodgy since I lost the baby in Jan).

I don't know if these things will put me back together again completely, but I feel it is a start and at least I'm doing something to change things, as I couldn't go on as I am.

Do you have a GP you could go and talk to? Maybe one you've met in the past and liked?

Thanks so much for replying - and apologies for not getting back to you sooner, I got caught up at work.

Unfortunately my GP is next to useless, she has never taken my concerns seriously (not that I'm there a lot) but we do have a new GP at the practice who I saw recently and actually took my concerns seriously (general Health issue)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to post back - it really does mean so much

louistheseventeenth - so sorry to hear your story - it really can't be easy at all x