My annual pre-Christmas meltdown

[fuzzpig]

Seems to be becoming something of a tradition

I am overwhelmed and nothing is going right. I have just started full time hours for the first time since July, and I am struggling physically as expected (I have CFS) but I am struggling mentally/emotionally even more.

I am torn between loving this time of year, because my DCs are so excited, and I have been choosing great presents for them and DH, and hating it, because of all the shit memories it brings with it, and the feeling of failure because I am so lonely despite being around people all day, and feel jealous of people with nice families and the fact that I've not done anything that I planned to.

I tried so hard not to put pressure on myself this year and I have kept telling myself that it's ok to just go with the flow but then I got out some presents to wrap last night and just cried instead because everything feels wrong.

WTF is wrong with me

You know what I just want ONE sodding year when I can feel happy but in my 26 year life it hasn't happened.

I had one year that was a good xmas. I spent it alone all day in bed, but now I have DC thats not possible anymore. I hate almost everything about xmas except for the twinkly lights. The way I have found to deal with it is by controlling it as much as I can. It means I get super obsessed by it and can think about little else from late november onwards. But as the day gets closer my list of things I HAVE to do is getting longer and I am getting totally overwhelmed. I can't cope with it all and I'm close to just shutting down.

I know what you mean about having to control it. I have anxiety/control issues anyway. Thankfully most of it is around the presents (I do go OTT there I admit) and I am getting better with that. But I find comfort in Stuff, I know it is due to my past.

I am so exhausted physically this year that I'm scared Xmas won't even happen. I was so desperate to go beyond 'Sunday with presents' but even the tiny little things like making little treats is beyond me. This was a really bad week to return to full time, and work itself is going completely shit, I don't feel like I belong there anymore.

GRRRRR

I do actually really love Xmas but shutting down is exactly what I end up doing.

I wouldn't be able to cope with work at all at the moment either. They would sack me anyway as I would just be sitting around writing lists all day.

I keep switching between loving it and hating it ATM.

I know that I definitely hate it. If xmas never happened ever again I wouldn't care, in fact I would quite happy I think. But the amount of time and effort that I put into planning every second, I would imagine people think I love it. Its all about control because the thing that is worse than xmas happening for me is xmas happening in a totally unstructured, chaotic, unplanned way.