So for quite some time I've suspected everything was not quite right with me. I've felt 'odd' for about three years, then a year after it started I began swinging between bulimia and fasting.
I often really down, like crying, cutting myself, hitting my self, hopelessness, contemplating how easy suiside would be and imagining myself floating in water with my wrists cut bad. But I don't feel like this all the time. Sometimes I'll feel exited for no reason or empty. Just last night I was crying and feeling extremely upset about the fact we're all going to die and just be a body in a box and then two minutes later I was opening my window and looking for fairies.
I also sometimes do really odd stuff. Like looking for fairies and begging them to speak to me or trying to convince my teddies to speak to me and get angry and then hitting them when they don't and then being worried they'll be angry at me so apologising and crying over the entire thing.
I'm cant decide what I want to do with my life - one day I want be a chef the next an author. I spend most of my time daydreaming about diffirent lives and acting them out in front of a mirror. I'm not really sure what type of person I am - sometimes I feel dark and mysterios other times bubbly and cute.
I don't really have many social relationships. I've cut out most of my family, have no friends and hate most people or feel nothing towards them. The only person I really like are my sibling and sometimes I look at them and feel nothing - everyone else I'm comfortable imagining dying. Sometimes I feel really lonely and I'm terrified of ending up alone but I feel people dislike me or I'm not able to like them.
I get really angry sometimes and have to hurt myself and sometimes feel overwhelming hatred for some members of my family but at the same time feel jealous if they appear to like others more than me. I never feel love for them and feel happy when their upset. I think I only feel compassion for fictional creatures and not people I know.
It's like there's no point in anything, it's just going to get worse so why bother?
No one else knows I feel this was or have eating disorders (despite the fact I an purge five times in a day) or self harm (it's all on my legs or undertake hair on my scalp). I did something silly last year and had to start speaking to a doctor but he didn't like me and I stopped going soon after. These feeling are really holding me back, I almost went to college but I couldn't be around the people - I stay on my own most of the time - have nothing in my life.
I feel no one would care though. My mum is an alcholic and everyone's life revolves around her and has done all my life. She's horrible to me but still delights in telling me I don't know what it's like to feel depressed like her or that she's had a horrible life because of me.
I'm only in my late teen and feel so defeated. Is it just normal teenage angst or something more? If so how can I fix myself with our telling anyone else?
Sorry for how long it is.