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Health Anxiety is ruining my life - sorry very long winded

2 replies

craziedaisy · 18/12/2012 08:31

I have suffered from HA since a teenager on and off. It started by convincing myself that I had some how contracted HIV even though I had never had sex at 14. I never told anyone of the terrible panic attacks I had and I had a hard job in my twenties starting a sexual relationship because of the fear of contracting HIV. I was 24 before I lost my virginity to my now DH. He had 10 sexual partners before me so my HA raised its ugly head again when I had to have an HIV test when pregnant at 30. I was absolutely convinced that I would be HIV and couldn't eat or sleep until the results came back clear.

I then had a few years of escaping these feelings but when pregnant again 2 years later I became obsessed by a small red mark on my arm that I was convinced was going to be something sinister. It took a GP and private dermatologist to convince me otherwise. This year my anxiety has taken a very bad turn for the worst and at the moment I do feel very poorly and can't really eat ( I am 6 stone 9 so not ideal). I had breat pain that went on for 6 months where I went to my GP 4 times before they agreed to send me for a scan - all ok TG. I have now become absolutley convinced that I have skin cancer. My dad has had several types of skin cancer recently so this has further fuelled my fear. I went to my GP 3 weeks ago and asked him to look at a few moles that he reasured me were ok but I am still constantly checking I am now focusing on a mole on the sole of my foot. I am in such a terrible state and know that my obsession is totally out of control. I know I cannot face the rest of my life in this anxiety it is literally taking over my life. I find that I am spending a lot of time googling health problems which is making everything worse.
Can anyone recommend anything that can help me please? I feel selfish for being self obsessed but I can't stop. I think it is because I feel so responsible having 2 small children. I think if I stop checking myself some cancer will catch me out and I will feel terrible guilt for not be vigilent for the sake of my children. I want to feel better and normal but I feel like I am a black hole at the moment and can't imagine I will ever feel better.

Sorry for rambling.I have never told anyone all of the above before

OP posts:
keekeeblue · 18/12/2012 10:04

Hi Craziedaisy

Sorry you are feeling so poorly at the moment x You should take comfort that you have now spoken out about your anxieties and can move on to get some help. Please go to your GP and get some help for your health anxiety. Talking therapies are really helpful just to get it all out. My health anxiety has increased since having my DS 8 years ago and I too think it is the responsibility of looking after him. I am taking paroxetine for anxiety which has helped me calm down alot.

Please don't google health conditions any more or watch medical programmes on TV, they will just make your anxieties much worse.

Please see your GP soon. Good luck x

Frenchfamille · 18/12/2012 15:14

I too have suffered with HA for years. CBT really helped, as did the book on Overcoming HA mentioned on other HA threads. I understand everything you say Crazie, particularly the bit about children, wanting to be around for them etc. As my husband pointed out to me - which hit a nerve - I don't have to be around for them, if anything happened they would be looked after, they are happy, they would cope.... living life with a constant fear and wasting time with them now is very sad and missing out on the joyous side of being a mum. For me, different things have set the HA off - now, being pregnant, hormones have made it significantly worse, but prior to that, I feel I had really conquered a lot of it.

I agree with keekee in that if you google you will find sites which won't help. You need to be OK with being exposed to things (the CBT counsellor told me it was important to be able to see something on TV or read about something because if you AVOID issues, the fear heightens. I find this very true.) But some sites which are to so-call help you, seem to just talk about various health worries which might initially offer some reassurance but this very quickly disappears.

The most valuable advice is from others who have/are going through HA issues and finding ways to combat it, move on in life etc. I started writing a book about my experiences and what has really helped me (unfortunately shelved at the moment due to pregnancy and too much going on) which I really hope to go back to in 2013. I feel as though I have experienced the harsh reality of living with HA and 2 years ago decided that enough was enough. Coincidentally a move to another country, some time therefore out of work and space to really address the issues, was how my thoughts ended up on paper.

I had tried various general counselling, CBT, and medication - all of which helped at different times but I really feel that I moved on significantly by using many tools - and a period of 'cold turkey' for want of a better word, which meant taking away all the reassurance methods - doctor, asking husband to 'check' etc - and coming through this on my own. It was incredibly hard but surprisingly quick to come through and I did this whilst reading the 'Overcoming HA' book from the series which rang so many bells as I read it. I couldn't believe it, it was as though somebody had opened up my brain and read exactly what was going on!

For me personally, I knew WHY I had ended up this way. I ticked almost all of the boxes in the book and that gave me some comfort; I wasn't going mad! But you do need then some clear strategies on what to do when you go down the familiar paths of worry.

Certainly you need support in the initial instance but going to a GP needs to be because you are going to talk about HA and not 'can you just check this while I am here' because the root is not about these worries, but rather the anxiety. It's a reason why medication can help, to lower some of the anxiety which may put you in a better place to tackle the issues. And I say this as somebody who worked for many years in the field of therapy! In other words, getting medical help is not a weakness, but can help to work hand in hand with talking therapies.

Finally, for me, I found that sport was a big help. I took up running - not possible now being at the end of pregnancy - and putting on an ipod, plugging into some music, going off for a brisk walk, jog, run, exerting yourself and getting those really good hormones to come to the surface, in my opinion is a really useful tool.

Good Luck.

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