DH thinks his depression is a "valid" MH issue, but my HA is not [sad]

[anywinewilldo]

DH suffers with periods of depression, during which I listen to him and support him as much as I can.

I suffer with extreme health anxiety over our DCs health. For example, if one of them has a prolonged headache, I immediately think of brain tumour etc. Normally these thoughts are fairly short-lived, only lasting as long as the symptoms, but when it happens I sink into a dark place, cannot smile or engage and am generally a miserable sod who spends too long consulting Dr Google over potentially terminal conditions....

One of these episodes began tonight. DH lost it with me and said "this [ie my overreaction to the kids' symptoms] is ridiculous". I asked why he saw it so differently to his own bouts of depression to which (we were eating dinner) said it was nothing like it, depression is a mental illness and that he just couldn't deal with it [me] and stormed off and took his food to another room to eat alone.

I cannot help the way I am and, for the most part, it's manageable, but when it's not, I really need his support, but I just get his intolerance and frustration. It makes me so sad.

Not sure what I'm asking for. Maybe I should have posted in relationships?

So sorry you are not getting any support at home. Health anxiety as all anxieties are a mental health problem. I know once you have the fear or anxiety in your mind it is difficult to see sense until the illness has passed. It is natural to feel concerned when your children are poorly and you only want the best for them. Please don't google medical problems it just makes the health anxiety much worse, you could try phoning NHS Direct or your local out of hours doctor if their illness is serious.

Have you been see your GP about your health anxiety as some sort of talking therapy might help.

Keep strong x (and don't google!)

Does he generally think that he is more important than you because he's the one with the penis?

While I would suggest you chat to your GP about your anxiety and look into getting some treatment (for your own sake), sometimes anxiety, depression and other MH issues show up in women due to their partners being selfish knobends who don't treat them well. Is your H's depression diagnosed formally, and is he receiving treatment? Or is it the sort of 'man-depression' that means he is allowed to be sulky and horrible from time to time and get out of doing anything he doesn't want to do?

I have the same problem. DH with periods of depression, and me with periods of extreme health anxiety. Both are mental illnesses and I think it's hard when both people in a relationship are struggling with their own problems, or maybe when they're not currently in a bad phase, to be supportive of the other person's episodes. My health anxiety goes back a long way, but comes and goes. When I'm having an episode I am just as you describe. DH used to be more supportive and tolerant, but this was before the depression. Now he's exactly like yours- says he can't deal with me etc, and makes me feel very alone. He is currently seeing a therapist; I have seen therapists in the past and am contemplating starting again. I feel like we should both accept each other's difficulties and be tolerant of them, as we do have a good relationship despite this baggage. Sometimes I feel like he's allowed to be horrible and grumpy but that I'm not allowed to express those kinds of behaviours because he can't handle it.

Therapy has helped me in the past, but it's not cured me. I know I shouldn't have expected it to. I think DH finds that hard to accept

Anxiety and obsessive thought - which is what you are describing, are most definitely mental health issues and I'm sorry to hear that your DH isn't being supportive, especially when you support him through all his periods of depression.

There is help out there for what you are experiencing, CBT and other talking therapies can really help you to manage these thoughts and anxieties.

Your DH needs to get over himself. Why he thinks that his problems are the only valid ones is something he needs to get over. Instead of looking up diseases, do some investigation into obsessive thought and health anxiety, print out the information and give it him to read. If he still doesn't think its a problem, then he is an arse. Perhaps explain that if he isn't going to help and support you the way you support him, that you may not be able to give back what he's not prepared to give you.

Thank you for your replies. Spacechimp, it feels exactly as you say - I'm not allowed to express my feelings as he can't cope with them. I think he cannot understand at all how I can be so irrational. I know I'm being irrational, but I can't help it - I feel as if I need to know the worst possible scenarios in case they are missed by the GP etc, because early diagnosis is always key!

DH's depression is not formally diagnosed, nor is my health anxiety. To the outside world we probably seem like pretty sorted people. Most of the time our "conditions" are manageable and I think we would both be embarrassed to ask for help.

Our relationship is otherwise OK. He is a good father and (usually!) husband.

Does anyone know any good self-help books? Maybe that is a good place to start.

A good book for health anxiety is It's Not All In Your Head - I found it comforting to read and it has some cbt exercises. I go through all the same thought processes as you, by the sound of things and part of me knows I'm being irrational at the same time as the health anxiety part of me is totally convinced there is something very wrong. With me the health anxiety is often about me but it can also be about others, and that can be harder in a way. At the moment I'm really struggling with emetophobia which is all wrapped up with the health anxiety. It's very tiring. I think most outsiders would also think me and DH are fairly normal whereas we're actually both a bit messed up at times. Some good advice up thread re research into therapies. Would chat more but on my phone and difficult to type