need some advice re DP depession, aspergers and AD's

[KittenCamile]

Hi,

I would love some advice to help me with my DP. I'm not quite sure where to start!

DP is 40 and has been on AD's for about 5 yrs (we have been together 2yrs so am bit scetchy) he went on them because he was just feeling black but it seems no one ever monitored them so he kept just getting repeat subcriptions.

He had a DD 4 yrs ago and his EXW (then W) made him go to counceiling when DD was 9 months because of his temper, it lasted one session and the therapist told DP he had aspergers (the therapist also told them she wouldn't see them again as they were too violent with each other)

So DP changed his pills to mirtazapine about 18 months again because he was having ED on the other pills. Again no one monitored him, he wasn't told to go for counceliing or anything. He is now having problems with being ill all the time and being exhausted, feeling like he isn't here.

He still has amazing anger problems (which really upset me and him) so I asked him to go back to the doctors, he had blood test and nothing wrong so they have lowered his pills from 30mg to 15mg with the hope of putting him on something less sedative. But no one has told him how long he should take them for or anything!

Earlier this year he stopped taking them for a month and didn't tell me, he was so hard to live with, I got screamed at constantly and he was so sexually aggressive. I'm scared of him coming off of them again.

I don't know whether he is depressed or that maybe the aspergers is making him feel a certain way, he won't go to therapy because he doesn't want to try 7 different types to find one that works, he gets angry if I try to talk to him anout it because he says he feels like a failure and is ashamed.

I just want to help him, for him to have a nice happy life but I don't know what to do!

This may have made no sense and I'm sorry its long. Thank you sooooo much

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm going to give you my personal take on this. I am 99% sure I have Aspergers and am having an assessment to confirm this in January.

In my mid twenties I had a nervous breakdown and spent three months on a psychiatric ward.

Years of taking various anti-depressants followed. I pretty much tried them all, now I come to think about it, but they did absolutely bugger all for me, other than making me feel permanently dazed. Not a single one of them worked, and believe me I did stick with them all for six months to a year before changing medications to try something else.

I now realise that I wasn't depressed so much as permanently stressed out and exhausted. Life for someone with ASD is wearying: all our senses are vastly more acute than the average persons, just for starters. Walking through a crowded shopping centre is a cacophony of noises, smells and sounds which we find overwhelming and hard to filter out.

Then there are the social issues; the verbal processing delays; having to think really intensely about what to say next; saying the wrong things; even not recognising familiar people in the street; always feeling awkward and lost...it's seriously draining, is this. It makes you feel like an idiot, and it wears you down, and there is never any respite from it at all.

I say this because I think your husband's short fuse, physical ailments and exhaustion are probably due to his ASD.

Of course, it's very hard to get someone to go to the doctors if they insist on refusing to help themselves. Personally, I would write your husband a letter to explain the effect his behaviour is having on you. This way, he won't feel corned or trapped, and can read and digest your words in his own time. Can I also suggest that this letter uses very simple, blunt and logical language to put your point across, as ASD people will often not understand subtle hints or metaphorical speech. I think you need to lay it down in black and white that his behaviour is hurting you.

It really isn't acceptable, finally, that he is screaming at you and being "sexually aggressive." Those last words of yours are worrying me considerably. What exactly do you mean by this? I appreciate that he has his issues, but he should never be taking them out on you. Ever.

Cailleach thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I worry the ASD gets confused with depression but now he is on pills it is very hard to stop taking them. When he stopped this year he got so frustrated with feeling ill that he was always angry, he would wet the bed, I woke up many times to find him sexually interfearing with me and him self, which I hated but he really wasn't awake, he just wasn't there.

We have a good sex life, happily have sex 4-5 times a week but when he stopped his pills it was twice a day and for over an hour and really rough. Like I wasn't really a person anymore. I insisted he call Mind and he started taking them again.

He is amazing and I love him more than anything, I feel like he is in pain, like he could have a much happier life if he could get the right help, the Gp doesn't really know what to do so I don't know where eles to go, I would pay, I would do anything but I don't know where to look.

Thank you for listening.

I appreciate that you care for him, and that you want to help him; these things reflect well on you as a person, but it's not your job to fix him: he can only do this for himself.

And I really do think you should look carefully at his rough treatment of you and ask yourself if you feel safe staying with this man. There are plenty of people out there with mental and neurological problems that do not treat their partners as though they are objects. He has already had one partner who has left him because he is aggressive (at least, that's what I get from reading your first post.)

Has he had a formal diagnosis of autism, or was that just the counsellor's opinion? I say this because autism needs to be diagnosed by a professional psychiatrist, preferably one who specialises in the disorder.

As for finding help: can I suggest reading up on autism on the internet, as it may help you and your partner to understand the condition better. If he could be pointed towards various autism support forums, it may help him to understand himself better and will also show him that he's not alone in feeling like he does.

Can I recommend www.autism.org.uk/ as a starting point? I think you might find it useful.

Best wishes,

C
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