I'm sinking again

[anorak]

I'm reaching that defining moment when it suddenly hits you that nothing you could choose to do today or tomorrow would give you any joy.

DD1 left home, she went to the council and told them a sob story to get on emergency housing. She's staying in an emergency 'crash pad' at the moment, waiting for a place in a hostel. Yet she still comes home to visit, rings me for lifts (to which I sometimes say yes, sometimes no) and help (like asking DH and I to guarantor her rent in the hostel).

Yesterday I drove her back to the place where she is staying, and the woman who is looking after her opened the door to let her in. I heard a warm 'hello love' and not a glance or a wave at me. It pierced my heart to imagine what this woman thinks of me and has been told about me, what an unloving, uncaring mother I am. I expect she wonders how any mother could allow their 16 year old to be in this position.

Upstairs I have cleaned and tidied her room, it's lovely, bright and fresh with garden views, her own computer and TV and video, desk etc but she doesn't want to live in it, doesn't like us, thinks living with us is intolerable.

My DS (5) is being a bit naughty at the moment which is not like him, he's so unsettled by the whole thing and I don't cope too well with school holidays at the best of times.

My DH wants to support me but when he asks what I want him to do I don't know. I feel dreadful physically too, eating and drinking all the wrong things, tired all the time, can't break the cycle.

I don't know what I want, just to pour it out I guess.

anorak
you have always been so kind to me if ya wanna chat my msn addy is [email protected]
hugs babe
xxx

Anorak - I am just on way up so can't post as much as I would like.

I just wanted to send you hugs and support.

I don't know the full story but it sounds as though you are having a real rough time atm. Have you been to your gp about how you are feeling?

I'll be back online tonight xxxxxx

Was almost not going to post as could think of mothing constructive to say, but thought that I'd pop a message up saying, that I know how much of yourself (emotion, care, love and wrorry beyond worry) you have fiven to try and resolve your relationship with your dd.
I think to get along as far as you have and be upbeat would be nothing short of a modern miracle.
Don't worry about what you eat or drink for now (assuming its not seriously lethal amounts of plonk that is)
Take it easy on yourself, it's al very raw, hard to make sense of it, the hurt and guilt and everything.
Give yourself some time out, can you get an indian head massage or some reflexology something for you to take yourself away from it all for an hour?
Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anorak, I can't think of anything helpful to say or do, but your advice and warmth to people on here is always so wonderful - how odd that family can sometimes not appreciate what is under their noses.
The best mother at our school gates has a dd of 17 who has dropped out of A Levels and moved away from home to be with (a very nice and not encouraging her IYSWIM) boyfriend miles away. No-one could ask for a wiser and kinder mum, just like you really. Lots of love XXX and keep posting if it helps

Thank you very much for all the nice things you're all saying. I feel like a bit of an imposter - you have all only heard my side of it and I don't know what DD1 would have to say.

I just hate all the 'arrangements' attached to this. People from the housing department ringing me up and telling me I have to write a letter because I never served my daughter with a 28-day notice of eviction from my house, and they need it for her to have her place in the hostel. It all just turns my stomach.

Every time I close my eyes I see that woman letting my daughter into her house and not glancing in my direction. I feel like scum.

I know it's best for us all that she has gone, the other children are much calmer (even though DS is unsettled over it) and the house is very peaceful. DD1 herself seems happier as she is getting nearer to the life she wants. Every time she comes round she is rude and hurtful and the yelling starts between her and DD2, and I know it's better she's not here, but somewhere inside me I feel like my heart is breaking.

anorak dont know the background etc but if you ever wanna chat just addy me
take care sweetie
xxx

It was insensitive and rude of the woman not to acknowledge you. Your dd is still a minor, so she should have acknowledged as a bare minimum, the person who dropped her off. Please don't let it get on top of you, though.
Hope things improve for you soon.

Yes nightynight - I stupidly imagined she might want to say hello and find out for herself what I am like . Perhaps it's against the rules - there seems to be an awful lot of 'proving its intolerable at home' before you can get housing.

Thanks so much desperatescouse. That's so kind.

Anorak, it's a very difficult age. My friend's daughter did much the same thing as yours. She's now 19, back at home and going to college. It's probalby just a way of asserting her independence, and she'll come through it the other side all the better for it. My money's on the fact that she knows she can go because she's got a warm and loving family who will support her unconditionally - how it should be. I hope it's not too hard for you, lots of love and hugs xx

Oh Anorak, it's weird, I saw the title and worried whether it might be you - don't ask me why as I have no idea. I'm so sorry to see you're sinking again, I do think that it's perhaps time to see your gp about how you're feeling. You've been under a lot of stress with the situation over your dd etc for some time and it was, perhaps, overdue to have to come out so to speak.

I haven't spoken to your dd for months except a 5 min conversation after I'd just moved in and I was too stressed myself to offer anything to her at that point (or to you, or anyone for that matter). I feel really bad now that i've been so quiet. I probably can't help at all but if you'd like me to make contact with either her/you/both i'd very much like to.

Oh and for the record I think you're a fantastic mother to all your kids, things haven't been easy in the slightest yet you've done it all, you should walk proud. Teenagers will be teenagers and they're unlikely to realise how unreasonable they're being until they grow up.

Thank you Detta x.

Essbee how funny that you should mention not hearing from her as she rang me this morning and asked me for your address and phone number so I expect she will be in touch soon.

DH took me out to a quiz last night to cheer me up and I feel a bit better today. I have done a lot of crying in the last few days and last night I realised that it was a form of grief that has to be expressed. Just going through the process and coming out the other side I suppose. When I was younger there was no one to tell, no one to tell me it wasn't all my fault. I bottled up my awful childhood for years and chose partners like my mother with huge emotional needs and no room for mine.

These days it is very different, I kind of manage my depression. When I have to cope with something difficult I feel myself going down but now I have my very kind and supportive DH and my friends on mumsnet to pour it out to. The feeling of being heard and understood is the key to healing and I get through it and out the other side without having to bottle it up till it becomes unmanageable. So much easier to handle depression when there is room and provision for it in your life.

glad you are feeling a bit better today:)
hugs
xxx

Oh Anorak, im so so sorry, i had no idea, why did'ent you call me?
Your a great mum and i have always admired how you have always worked so hard for your family.
I don't know whats been going on but i am sure you will come through it.
You know you are loved and dh adores you and you have 3 great kids and a beautiful home, your smart and you do a great job raising your family, please don't feel bad that the womam did not acknowladge you, and she's a fool if she judges you.
I think dd knows you will love her and support her whatever she does, maybe she just needs time to sort herself out.

Hi Anorak

I don't have advice to give but I was hoping this could make you feel better...

I had a very, very difficult time with my Mum which culimated in me moving abroad, alone at bearly 18. Our relationship basically consisted of vicious shouting matches followed by days of not talking. When I left my Mum rented my room out for £30 a week and didn't bother removing my belongings. I returned 4 months later to find myself effectively homeless and found my bedroom turned into a balchelor pad. The scene haunted me for years: my music collection 'inherited' by the lodger, speakers 'stabbed', telly smashup up, artwork pulled down etc etc. I know this is sounding like a sob story, but please bare with me). She never apologised for this, replaced my broken belongings or even offered to ask to lodger to move out so I was made effectively homeless. I was so hurt and I can honestly say at that moment in time that I hated her. We didn't talk for a long time but still stayed in touch. Gradually as I grew up I started to understand that all the messy things that had happened weren't her or my dads 'fault', it was just life. I realised that they were people too, who makes mistakes and were at that time dealing with their own mass of complicated problems and feelings. Without it ever being talked about again, I 'forgave' her in my own mind and we are now exteremely close. She is a wonderful woman who I love, respect and am proud to have as a mother.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't think there is anything you can do but ride it out. I don't think you should try and rationalise her behaviour or place blame on yourself or anyone else, especially if she is anything like I was! Teenage girls can feel so deeply angry with the world and always seem to want to blame their families for this. The don't understand life enough to realise how cruel and rediculous this is. Please, please Have faith that when she has lived a bit more (and she will do if she trys to live alone) and understands life better, she'll come back to you and you will get over this.

Weird, Anorak! I'll wait to hear from her. Please take it easy and i'm so glad that your dh is being supportive.

Hello! Thanks for your story leonsmum.

I had a lovely lovely day yesterday, took my other two children to London for the day, then my DH brought them home and I met some friends. Came home brahms and liszt at midnight, and once safely with my DH cried hysterically for about 2 hours, I look like a frog this morning. It's so weird, I think I feel fine, it's so deep down.

So sorry to read this, anorak, as you've offered support and kind words to me when I needed them. Sorry I have no practical advice to offer but lots of sympathy.

You sound like a warm and loving mum to me and I'm sure everyone who reads your posts. glad you have your DH's support.

I spoke to your dd yesterday, I wont post all unless you want me to. She seems quite lost tbh and I think she thinks she'll 'find herself' but getting completely independant. She loves you all dearly, that much was so clear.

I wish I could come and give you a hug. x