Not suicidal but deeply unhappy with my life.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I keep thinking it would be easier to sometimes as I'm fed up with my life. I won't do it because of dd. I don't really understand how to repair the damage done to me from my past. I'm lonely and I love my dd but HATE being a single mum. I do love Christmas but it does bring up emotional stuff for me. Fed up of feeling like citralopram is a mask for all of the shit in my life. A bandage rather than a cure. There is a lot of good stuff too (dd er....dd) which keeps me going but even then I don't always enjoy motherhood. I just want to fel loved and supported but instead I feel rejected and alone.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low, really sorry. Christmas is such a very very hard time, pushing all these images of perfect family joy whilst roping mothers in with the job of rushing around trying to build a version of Christmas that feels to us like a hollow fake copy. Even in a standard two-parent family, it can make mothers feel alone and very low.

Do you have anyone you can talk to frankly? Friends or family? Have you had a talk with your GP recently? Perhaps there are opportunities for counselling or therapy rather than just relying on the tablets. Citalopram is very useful, but not enough.

Best wishes.

im fed up with being in councelling. how often can i bang on about damage thats already done? How long do they have?

Ah, ok: you are already in counselling and it is not helping, or not helping much/enough. I'm sorry. It's miserable when sessions aren't helping, and you start to feel almost like you are playing along for the sake of the counsellor -- you don't want to be or appear uncooperative or unappreciative, but you aren't getting much from it.

Your thread title (where you explicitly reassure people you aren't suicidal) makes you seem like someone who is always aware of other people's feelings, careful not to upset them or pressure them, so your own needs get lost a bit. Is that happening in the counselling?

Do you think that over Christmas, a time that is so particularly hard, you could just concentrate on being as kind to yourself as possible, and just getting through it, getting it over with. And then after Christmas perhaps you could see if any other sorts of counselling/therapy are available -- you could tell your counsellor that it isn't working for you?