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Original poster

Been thinking some crazy stuff recently, please give your opinion.

104 replies

GlumMentalDefective · 09/12/2012 01:49

I'm nearly at breaking point at the moment. It is getting harder to cope with life everyday. Today I was thinking about suicide but decided it was just my DC that stopped me doing that. In fact it is just because of them that I have to try to hold everything together, give the appearance of normality for their sake. Instead I could just give up the hard work and lay down and let this sickness take me over completely.

Then I thought well if they weren't here it would be so much less stressful. I could rest more and feel better. But their absence might drive me even more nuts, just this time with no incentitve to hold back the madness. Although letting go and not caring what happens anymore is also quite appealing as it would mean a rest from the daily struggle to carry on. But quite possibly that choice could be irreversible. Do I want it to be forever?

So what would your opinions be on this? I know they are crazy but I can't stop myself thinking that way. Should I just keep on holding it together despite it being too much for me to cope with? Or would giving in to those feelings actually be better in the long run as i am only going to end up there one day anyway?

OP posts:
AndMiffyWentToSleep · 09/12/2012 09:46

I think it sounds like you could use some professional advice and support. Could you speak to your GP? Health visitor? Samaritans?

I'm no expert but I think it'd be easier if you didn't try to cope on your own, but sought some help.

amillionyears · 09/12/2012 18:35

Agree with AndMiffy.

What sort of things are you struggling with GLM?

Back2Two · 09/12/2012 18:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

ATouchOfStuffing · 09/12/2012 18:43

See what tomorrow brings, but get some counselling and support from your GP.
I have had a very low week myself and am only just pulling up away from what I could see would have been a dangerous spiral indeed. I have the energy to go to GP and the rest will hopefully follow. Having that to look forward to is a good thing. Hope you feel better soon but please do speak to a professional.

HassledHasASledge · 09/12/2012 18:44

You need to get some proper medical help pronto. Like, now. If you're not already under some mental health treatment and don't have an emergency out of hours number to call, then at least start with NHS Direct on 0845 4647. Tell them what you've told us.

In the meantime, until you get the help, then yes, you need to keep on holding it together. For their sake. But get the help you really need.

Is the DCs' father around?

spanky2 · 09/12/2012 18:45

This sounds like you are not very well. Go to the doctor tomorrow . You are ill not a bad mother. I was very similar to you two years ago. It all came to a head at Christmas. You may need antidepressants but that is okay as you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. I still take mine and they gave me my life back.

spanky2 · 09/12/2012 18:48

You are not a mental defective , well if you are i am! If you had a cold you wouldn't think you were a nose defective. Depression makes you feel this way.

Original poster
GlumMentalDefective · 09/12/2012 21:54

Thanks for your replies everyone. I don't actually remember starting this thread but I will respond to what has been posted anyway.

Basically I am just struggling with everyday life. It is more than I can cope with n a good day (and has always been that way) but at the moment I have some other things going on too that are making it totally impossible to do even the essentials to get by day to day. One of these is xmas as it is one of my phobias, but actually nothing I can do about that except wait it out until 26th december.

No the DC's father is not around and never will be ever again. I have been to doctors etc. many, many times over the the (16+)years. They can't or won't do anything to change how I think. I went to my GP last week but was told nothing they can do until I see the specialist I'm on the waiting list to see. I've been on that 6 months and told I could be waiting up another 18 months.

Reagrding anti-depressant medication. I have tried several different types at various strengths. None have any effect on me at all unfortunately. That whole chemical imbalance in the brain is actually a myth, albeit one that is sometimes useful.

Finally my username is from a parody of a 90s TV series that I watched recently, not chosen to convey how I feel about myself in any way.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 09/12/2012 22:01

Do you want to talk about other things that may have happened in your life?
I get the impression that your earlier life may not have been easy and straightforward.

Mylittlepuds · 09/12/2012 22:14

I know what you mean with just coping with being alive. It's scary and awful at times. Have you tried positive self talk? I'm no one to preach as I still struggle every through every day but have in the last couple of days been saying 'this is just my depression/anxiety - not me' 'I've coped before and I'll continue to cope'.

Original poster
GlumMentalDefective · 09/12/2012 22:36

I haven't coped before though, I've just managed to hide it well enough so other people don't see I'm not coping. Then I usually have a total breakdown, that is where I am close to at the moment. Its not me its the depression may work if I could remember a time I didn't feel this way but I don't. I remember being depressed aged 4/5ish and suicidal age 9.Maybe that is just my personality?

OP posts:
amillionyears · 09/12/2012 22:42

Do you remember things happening that you didnt like, when you were very young? If they didnt, dont feel the need to answer.

Iceaddict · 09/12/2012 22:46

I think you sound very brave. You are getting through this. Every day is an achievement when you feel this way. Keep posting for support and do keep going to gp. You can do this, take every day as it comes and please don't feel guilty if you take time out to feel the way you do just know that it will get better in time. Have you thought about hypnotherapy and or counselling?

Mylittlepuds · 09/12/2012 22:48

I'm so sorry it's gone on for so long. Do you have any time in the day when you don't feel as bad?

Re. Coping - yes you have as you're still here and bringing up your children! You have coped.

SecondhandRose · 09/12/2012 22:57

Sweetie, you have depression and you need an URGENT doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Do not let the receptionist put you off, this is an emergency.

Some of the symptoms you are describing are classic signs of depression. You need to get yourself on some tablets and life will become clearer. Phobias are also a sign of anxiety manifesting itself in a physical symptom, poor memory is another one, bad thoughts, etc etc.

I too take tablets for depression and I recognise what you are saying.

Iceaddict · 09/12/2012 23:05

Agree with second. It's typical depression esp as you can't remember any time you didn't feel this way. During post natal depression I felt there was no way out and life had always been shit as I couldn't imagine being happy. You will beat this but you need help. Get to a different doctor if you are not having any success. Don't feel you can't be honest about how you feel they need to help you

Original poster
GlumMentalDefective · 09/12/2012 23:50

Like I said I went to the GP last week and he said there is no point going back until after I have seen the specialist I've been refered to. Tablets really don't do anything for me, I could write a list of all the different types I've tried, none have done anything even at the maximum dosage. And I'm not imagining being depressed as a child either as I have evidence to back up my memories. Medical reports from when I first cut my arms age 8 and school records that say I didn't speak until Y3 and would 'cry for hours for no reason'

OP posts:
Iceaddict · 09/12/2012 23:57

Definitely not saying you haven't been depressed in the times you talk about. But during a severe bout you may not remember happy times in between as they were. Can you not see another GP. They may have an idea to keep you going until you see specialist. I've seen GP about a health issue then seen another who tried other things previously unmentioned. Keep talking though. It's so good to get it out and have someone to chat to. Sorry you're feeling like this op

Original poster
GlumMentalDefective · 10/12/2012 00:13

No definitely no happy times in between, just the times where I was able to hide my feelings better and pretend everything was ok. But always I can't cope doing that for long as it is too much hard work. So then I just give up trying for a while until I get the energy to go back to pretending.

OP posts:
Iceaddict · 10/12/2012 07:52

Hope you get to see a different doctor today, you can ask for counselling, and enquire about hypnotherapy as well it can help teach you relaxation techniques to control the anxieties if nothing else. You can go private for counselling to get an appointment much more quickly and hopefully get this sorted.

SecondhandRose · 10/12/2012 08:57

GMD, you MUST get to the GP today. I recognize what you are saying but you need to tell them your thoughts and feelings. You cannot wait for a specialist unless you can get an urgent appointment with them.

SecondhandRose · 10/12/2012 09:02

Dont let them fob you off, the fact you are seeking help on here is good.

Have you ever seen a counsellor? I have seen one, although doesnt stop tbe depression it does explain a lot of feelings.

How old are your DC's?

Has something happened in your life to have made you feel so low?

amillionyears · 10/12/2012 09:21

Do you have family members with depression?

I agree with what SecondhandRose is saying.

amillionyears · 10/12/2012 09:24

Would it be helpful to you to list the ADs you have had.
There are probably some others, that other MNetters have found useful, that you havent tried.

spanky2 · 10/12/2012 16:51

Cognitive behavior therapy is good. It worked well for me to retrain my brain into thinking more positively.